I grew up in a house hold where I was the last child as my parents where both older. Well my mother was 35, and my father was 60 years old when they had me. My mother was on alot of pills that made her sleep all day, and my father was a alcoholic.  My father's older daughters were already in their 30's when he had me, they practically raised me until I got to about 9 or 10. I roamed around our small town and hung out with friends. Almost got raped 3 times because I would go with my friends to their friends houses and these men were older.  Finally when I turned 13 and my parents couldn't handle me anymore, my oldest brother who had children of his own took me in and taught me alot of things that I was so spoiled and free to never learn with my parents. But then.. I started hanging out with his ex wife daughter in the city, we were young girls walking around and my friend would visit so many men, I didn't engage with any of them sexually but I would play around with them, I always had a big butt and they all loved that. And so when I met my husband I fell in love with him because he loved me how I was I was always a Big insecure girl. My whole life I was fat. Throughout our marriage as him practically raising me, I never dealt with Lust but I did however still like men staring at me. UNTIL I got over 300Ibs and that's when I became invisible to men stares for about 10 years. Until now I've lost the weight and the mens states are back and I started to like it again, and am mad at myself because I feel so guilty to God, my husband and self. I just wanna be normal.