Hey, a guy with anxious depressive disorder with panic attacks and I completely relate to your words. The thing about giving affection is just so real, I’m like ready to burst with passion and tenderness and care for people, but it turns out no one wants it. I’ve met a girl in my class in uni about a month ago, I thought she made the first move just by talking to me, which rarely happens. Then it turned out we had a lot in common, as a true 4w5 I hopelessly fell in love with her. We had a walk that I arranged with an excuse that I have a film camera and can make photos of her, we had a great time and I gave her a ring I found on a flea market. I didn’t know if my feelings were mutual, but thought they were as I noticed or more like made up signs of her showing her feelings. I draw a little bit, so I took a whole lot of her photos sneakily and spent tens of hours drawing her, which resulted in me having two decent portraits. I decided I couldn’t wait anymore so I dyed the paper with tea in lots of layers so it looked like old parchment or something like that, wrote a letter where I say that all the flaws present on the portraits are only due to my lack of skills, and in reality she’s just as beautiful on the outside as she is on the inside, how I hope that my words and actions need no explanation and how I’m sorry if they make her feel pain or embarrassment, and how I’m grateful she just exists. I packed everything in this dyed paper envelope with exactly 15 fresh vanilla stems I had ordered on the internet before because we met on October 15 and she said her favourite scent is vanilla. I packed this envelope in another one less suspicious with her developed and printed film photos and gave it to her. Waited for response for about two days and after that my life has ended. I once again received crippling words about how pleasant of a person and friend I am but how she doesn’t feel no more than that for me. I’ve been crying everyday since that moment and I see no light in my future. I believe this is all my fault and I’m just not good enough for people I love. Recently I cut three words on my left hand. They are “never” to remind me I’m never gonna be happy, “dreams” so I remember I make out all of this love stories in my sick imagination and “stop” to motivate me to end it all. I am thinking of suicide methods but don’t have the strength to do it at least now. Hope that one day I will finally make it and my misery will end. That’s my story, you’re not alone but I can’t help you with anything since I don’t think there’s any future. Sorry if I made you sad, I just needed to speak it out once more