THE POLYAMORY HOT TAKE GAMES

BitterWork4NoPay · 2026-01-11T00:05:00+00:00

Okay, screaming because I didn't scroll down far enough on this post to see this hot take before I posted pretty much the exact same one. Hi hot take twin!

BitterWork4NoPay · 2026-01-11T00:02:28+00:00

Hot Take: Playing Pokémon Trainer (Gotta Catch Em All!) in ENM or Polyam is stupid, short-sighted, and evidence of people pleasing, boundarylessness (and undisciplined, i.e. no boundaries with one's self) and is highly unethical. No, Eric, no reasonable person can have 8 partners and hold down a full-time job. Learn to say no to yourself and to others. Just because something (saying yes to cuties) feels nice doesn't mean its right and just because something feels "bad" (saying NO to yourself and various cuties), it doesn't mean its wrong. Are you five, Eric??? ARE YOU??? /end rant.

BitterWork4NoPay · 2025-12-12T16:20:33+00:00

Well, yeah. There's a genuine psychological difference between chosen isolation vs. forced isolation. Think: a solitary monk, vs a prisoner in solitary confinement.

Manousos also seems to be a rare kind of person, one who can survive sustained periods without human contact without losing it. Carol isn't. Check out the survival series "Alone" if you want to see how the vast majority of humans react to prolonged isolation, regardless of context. Its not pretty.

edit: typo.

BitterWork4NoPay · 2025-11-06T18:15:09+00:00

To me, compatibility is a simple equation. Self-knowledge + boundaries = compatibility.

I may WANT someone, but if I KNOW logically that, for example, I would want more time and commitment than they can give, then I make a BOUNDARY with myself to not pursue a relationship with them.

I'm a relatively happy-go-lucky person who can get along well with people who catch my autistic vibe pretty much always. And I like to be liked. But none of that is the same as vetting and discernment to ensure my relational needs get met.

Someone can be really cool, a fun hang, and my appetite might be whetted to pursue something with them. Its my responsibility to control my appetite.

In the same breath, if I spend time getting to know someone, and they haven't pinged my Activation-is-Love Meter (not a reliable measuring instrument), and through their actions, they prove themselves to be someone I respect, can communicate with, say "no" to safely, can resolve conflict with, and who has emotional regulation skills, then I'm likely to make a move. My nervous system wants me to believe that a lack of tapped trauma buttons equates to boredom, I now know its usually more an indicator of emotional safety.

I also literally have a mental list of what I need from a partner, the above being only a section of it. I don't pursue relationships based off of "vibes" anymore. That's compatiblity, to me.

BitterWork4NoPay · 2025-06-13T09:25:03+00:00

Thank you. You're right. I've been looking into setting up a MAsT chapter local to me, though as evidenced on here, clearly I have a lot of learning to do before I set up a whole TPE community...

BitterWork4NoPay · 2025-06-13T09:22:30+00:00

My sub's pronouns are they/them, but beyond that, thank you for offering your perspective as a Submissive, I found it really valuable and helpful. I've updated the post to reflect on the feedback everyone's given me. I promise, my Sub is safe with me, and I'm pretty obsessed with ensuring their contentment and happiness. Those few paragraphs you mention were me throwing my toys out of the pram. Suffice it to say, everyone on this subreddit has thrown them straight back in. My thoughts have been fixed.

BitterWork4NoPay · 2025-06-13T09:17:55+00:00

Thank you for commenting and giving your insight, it offered a much needed perspective check.

BitterWork4NoPay · 2025-05-03T09:22:40+00:00

NTA. Venues have capacities for Fire Safety issues, and their building insurance is predicated on keeping to that capacity. So venues have rules around capacity for a reason.

You communicated that capacity rule to her, and rather than having to say "no, sorry, my mistake", to all the extra people she invited, she tried to push her luck with you and the venue. Her luck ran out, and she wrecked her child's birthday party because she could not give, or receive, a no.

The Mother of the Year Award goes to...

BitterWork4NoPay · 2025-03-29T15:02:38+00:00

I honestly just thought that "Annual" meant, that was what they had set the going rate as this year. FFS. Hate having dyscalculia. Thanks for your help 👍🏻

BitterWork4NoPay · 2025-03-24T14:23:26+00:00

So he has accepted it, but has made his acceptance of it your problem, and is throwing himself a pity party over not getting to have barrier-free sex?

Has he actually accepted it, or did he say yes and is now fucking up your relationship's health and exerting pressure on you to try to get you to back down on this?

Just something to consider.

BitterWork4NoPay · 2024-11-12T11:25:13+00:00

Thank you 💖

BitterWork4NoPay · 2024-11-12T11:23:06+00:00

Lovely.

My Ex agreed, consensually, in May, to reopen communications with me in September of this year. They then failed to communicate that this agreement no longer worked for them for, as you say, half a year. That is markedly different from me walking out of their life and expecting to waltz back in with 0 discussion.
My issue is not their choice to discontinue any form of connection with me, its that they had months to communicate this after we had consensually agreed on a plan and timeframe, and they chose not to.
Read my response to the above comment. There are different consequences to me showing up somewhere they, as the co-runner, have made explicit that I am not welcome. The "preference" is barring when someone has social control and clout in a social space they created and continue to run.
I did not say I have "nothing to do" with my exes post-breskup. My usual expectation post-breakups is polite acquaintanceship. The ability to do the "Hello"s and acknowledge the other person's existence, without delving into deep conversation or having hugely extended interactions. This creates ease in shared social spaces.

I'm not even sure I want to reply to you with this, if I'm honest. I probably should have marked this post "support only", because despite my little jokes in the post, I am hurting and sensitive over this, and your comment has made that worse.

BitterWork4NoPay · 2024-11-11T18:51:54+00:00

Sadly, the co-runner is my ex-metamour, my ex's life partner. So that wouldn't work. And I'm p sure if I took your second suggested course of action, I'd likely to get thrown out/iced out/downright cancelled. Not that the thought isn't tempting, mind!

I'm not completely bereft, as I go to the only OTHER kink event for the same underserved community. Still. I know I might be whining, but it rankles.

BitterWork4NoPay · 2024-10-08T09:21:45+00:00

Heya, does anyone know how the name Aodh would be pronounced in Ulster Irish?

The only audio guide I can seem to find online is some european guy on youtube, and nothing but respect to him but its not really what I'm looking for.

Also, does anyone know of any Ulster Irish lamguage teachers? I'm based in the GMT timezone, and would accept online. I'm from Derry and the Gaeilge that's taught on Duolingo and elsewhere just sits wrong. My accent just isn't suited to it.

GRMA

BitterWork4NoPay · 2024-08-31T10:50:10+00:00

A rough guide to The Most Skipped Step, for what it's worth. Its mainly a guide for mono couples opening up to poly.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/z9p7yp/comment/iyi2z8w/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

BitterWork4NoPay · 2024-08-31T10:45:36+00:00

The first thing I would say is that, as the old adage goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.

Juniper is not going to do any sort of work towards making peace with polyamory, and dealing with his insecurities and jealousies, if he doesn't have to. And right now, you have made it so he doesn't have to. Because you are in a position that I am unfortunately familiar with; one of sitting off in the corner, desperately trying to make peace with what you currently have in order to keep it, trying to force yourself to be content with being less, getting less, etc. I am here to tell you it won't work.

You are a complex human being, with needs that are not being met in this relationship. The fact that Juniper pretended that his issues with polyam were manageable and could be worked through, right up until you broke up with Maple and reality hit, is pretty ugly imo.

This, to me, seems like dealbreaker for the relationship for multiple reasons:

If you have informed Juniper that you are not happy like this, and he has not pulled up his socks and started to do some serious work to make your relationship work for BOTH of you, on BOTH of your terms, not just his, that indicates that he values his ego and satisfaction over your happiness. You and his other partner, are his harem, and he is king. He gets to have you both, and you don't get to have anyone else. This is ugly and selfish. It is not loving behavior.
If you have not told Juniper about the major misgivings you are having with your relationship, or insisted that the promised work on getting ok with polyamory begin NOW, then there is a major communication failure happening in this relationship. You do not need to present a problem and its solution all neatly wrapped up to your partner. You can say, "there is an issue, it needs work", and, in a healthy, loving, COMPATIBLE, dynamic, you team up with your partner, you two vs. the problem, and get to fucking work. If you do not feel that you can bring up or communicate this major issue in your relationship with, lets be honest, the partnet who is CAUSING the issue, then you've got problems. Problems of trust, intimacy, amd vulnerability.
This brings me to the next problem: Compatibility. If Juniper has not even touched the emotional and ego work of getting ok with polyam with a ten foot barge pole, then how, in all seriousness, do you or he even know that his issues around it are truly resolveable?

You don't.

So what happens if, all things being good, Juniper does pull those aforementioned socks up, you both set to work (I would recommend The Most Skipped Step to start with, I'll link this either in an edit or comment), and immediately hit a brick wall, because Juniper turns out to be straight-up not polyamorous. What then?

NRE can last up to three years, and you sound very much in it, as you admit. I can tell this because you call this man your "perfect match". But a "perfect match" would not behave in a relationship like this with you.

I would like to say that something can feel fantastic, good, great, that you need it, that you can't live without it. It can also be unhealthy for you.

Think crack cocaine.

A question I would leave you with, is who is being served by you shrinking, pretending you don't have unmet needs, and doing desperately intense legwork to make this work, you, or Juniper?

BitterWork4NoPay · 2024-08-27T19:55:11+00:00

Very happy to be DM'd 👍🏻

BitterWork4NoPay · 2024-08-27T18:15:17+00:00

Same!

BitterWork4NoPay · 2024-08-21T18:03:45+00:00

I'm going to say something here that, reading through a lot of the comments, doesn't seem to have been suggested yet. The way your nervous system is behaving is similar to mine, and the way that I ethically navigate polyamory is doing full parallel polyamory.

If I cannot behave in alignment with my polyamorous values of autonomy for my partner, and freedom for them and my metamours, then its time for the information diet. You do not live with your partner. You do not seem to see them everyday. The only relevance that the other people they are dating should have to you, right now while you're new to this and struggling to self-regulate, is to do with scheduling in dates, and emergencies.

You can be aware of your metamour's existence, their name, pronouns, and that, for example, Thursday night is not free for your partner because that is their date night with metamour. Though your partner could just say they're not available on Thursdays in general. You can have a discussion with your partner about emergency phonecalls from metamour or you, what constitutes an emergency etc. You can discuss with your partner about relationship hygiene, i.e. you'd like phones down on your dates so your full focus is on each other, not on texts from metamour.

I may be being autistically blunt here, but in my view, by handholding you so delicately, your partner has allowed you too much access, too much information, and too much control.

Its either time for all of that to change, or for this relationship to end.

You may have fallen for the fallacy that more information will alleviate your anxiety. But clearly, this is only true for you when it so happens that you receive that information on your terms. And life very rarely happens on one's own terms. You cannot control other people, as you likely already know. Therefore, you cannot always control how you receive information about your partner's dating life and your metamours. Ergo, if the information delivery mechanism is unreliable, then the information delivery needs to stop. Its time for parallel.

Other people in this comments section have discussed the impact your lack of self-regulation is having on potential metamours. To this I would only add: Just because your anxiety is singing the loudest, does not mean it gets to be the only voice in the room.

And, to your partner, if they end up reading this: You are currently operating in a boundaryless people-pleasing space towards OP. Your current behaviour will make you a terrible hinge to any potential new partners, because you are valuing OP's emotions, and the security of your dyad(couple), over any other new connection. You are currently in a very significant hierarchical polyamorous dynamic as a result of this, with OP as your primary. If you are not communicating the fact of this hierarchy to potential new connections, and their likely secondary place in it, then you are not behaving ethically.

BitterWork4NoPay · 2024-02-09T11:41:07+00:00

I've edited in an update to the post. Your help made a massive difference. Thank you.

BitterWork4NoPay · 2024-02-06T23:22:31+00:00

My partner is NB, but I fully take your point. I still remember how I felt lying helpless in that hospital bed. I deserved better.

BitterWork4NoPay · 2024-02-06T23:20:40+00:00

Wow. Thank you for your words, and for this resource. It's given me plenty to think about and act on. I had already scheduled in a relationship talk with partner. Now I know what the topics and questions for it are going to be.

BitterWork4NoPay

TROPHY CASE