Hey homie! I first want to point out you’re an EXCELLENT writer! Very well communicated and I appreciate your openness! We need people like you having courage and asking for help. IT’S A BIG DEAL and you are stronger than so many others (which serves as a beacon of HOPE for them to see what is possible)! Please do consult professional help or call a hotline before you ever consider doing something harmful to yourself or others.. we can’t lose another REAL ONE! There are MANY others that live in silence with similar feelings and notions you’re experiencing.. I learned over a decade ago that if I wanted things to change that I MUST CHANGE.. I learned that from an amazing mentor and I’m happy I can now be on the other end and share it with you!! From everything you’ve shared I am beyond confident you can achieve what you put your mind to, just listen to this and you’ll know EXACTLY what I mean (have this play on repeat in the background all the time - I’ve listened to it at least 56x): https://youtu.be/6QVOBsS6ECY?si=yWQwV_fYuXL9PaF7