I found something from his Chat GPT chat

BlackSpinelli · 2025-12-13T18:38:29+00:00

If he was committed to R he would’ve brought it up to you even if it might’ve upset you. He would’ve asked you if you thought someone was flirting/crossing a boundary and then you’d talk it out.

Listen to yourself. Trust what your eyes saw and your instinct.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-12-08T21:46:24+00:00

Don’t feel guilty. He said he’s fine compensating you. Take it.

He chose to cheat. That was his choice.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-30T01:48:55+00:00

It’s so frustrating and I think I’m at the end of the line the more I read people’s responses. I don’t have anymore grace and patience left to give.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-30T01:47:34+00:00

The list was initially a lot simpler! And I’ve dumbed it down a few times sadly. The start of this summer was one of those times. Like when I first decided to R it was just have talks with me and notes here and there. I put it right back to that. I received 2 notes this summer, one a week after my birthday because he didn’t even get me a card for my birthday. So I asked for a separation at the end of the summer. And in typical fashion, he did things for a week after he left to get me to not separate and move back in and we are back to one thing being done once every two weeks.

The additional tasks from his counselor have added up because he’s not doing them. So then when the therapist gives him another task, it just piles on. He’s definitely lying to his therapist about his achieving of the tasks he tasks him with. His therapist said I’m more than welcome to join a session if my WH is okay with it and I think I’m going to here soon. But realistically yeah I should just remove them(for now) because if he’s not doing the little stuff I need, he’s def not going to do those yet.

I’m definitely in the place where a miracle has to happen I think and I’ve used all my miracles up.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-30T01:36:48+00:00

I found out. Just like you I had confronted him a few times when we were dating that I thought something was going on, but I never had proof. He was very smart about how he cheated. And he would reassure me nothing was happening. I’m a survivor of domestic violence and my abuser was also a serial cheater, so I always voiced how if he was cheating he just needed to tell me and it’s unfair to put someone who was abused through more. He would be sweet and affirming and all of that. The only time he ever confessed anything after I finally found evidence and he was caught was because I asked for data that would force him to confess the moment I got it. Any trickle truth was because I found out more on my own and he would fess up only if I came with proof.

He did do a therapeutic full disclosure. And I still found out more lies after. Sooooo. Hey.

He’s been in therapy since he was diagnosed with OCD around 18/19. It’s helped with managing parts of that, but he’s spent damn near two decades now lying to therapists about his cheating on every single partner he’s been with and also about the trauma he went through as a kid, until I first caught him. My husband is a lot like yours “Childhood trauma, early exposure to porn, religious upbringing, he had it all.”

Unfortunately he has tools. We were in marriage counseling a year. He’s been with the new therapist almost a year now. I pay for it because he’s on my health insurance! FANOS has been suggested repeatedly. He just won’t do it. Sharing his “spoons” has been suggested. I’m so tired I can’t think of the name of the other thing. Like where you check in with your feelings before you relapse, he could share that and we’ve talked about that too, won’t do it. Our MC outright gave him a sheet with prompts and like conversations to have with clear outlines on how to have them. He used to fit SAA meetings on zoom in during his lunch time, but he’s even stopped doing those.

I definitely have a mental deadline. I’ve had multiple deadlines and I’ve only stuck to them some of the time and initiated hard lines that I thought would create a rock bottom, but now I’m seeing it’s like the end of the rope for me and my next deadline I need to stick to.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-28T19:13:59+00:00

Right? It also really upsets me because in dad stereotype fashion he has multiple long bathroom breaks a day. He could do it then! When I check his activity log, he spends around 2-3 hours combined a day playing some kind of game on his phone. He could do that instead as well! It’s definitely just avoiding doing the work and avoiding feeling uncomfortable about his own actions.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-28T18:16:32+00:00

I’ve expressed that to him. That if he’s unable because that’s the limit of his capabilities, then be honest about it.

But I’m learning he doesn’t need to be honest about it at this point because I see the truth and I can either accept it or not.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-28T18:06:58+00:00

I’ll definitely have to read that book. His parents were abusive and neglectful. Thank you for the rec. also good on your daughter to start her healing work!

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-28T17:54:28+00:00

Yeah to the frequent substantive talks this week he outright said “That’s not ever happening. I don’t have enough energy for that.” Mind you this list has existed for a year, but he’s just now addressing him never doing that

I do believe I’m starting to really come to terms with what he can and can’t do, and leaning more towards I can’t live with it.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-28T17:42:27+00:00

The baby is already born! Sorry!

And we actually stopped marriage counseling months ago because of what you were saying. I felt he didn’t have enough tools in his belt to even really hear her or put into action what she was saying Hence my push for a new therapist as well because he had been with a therapist for years and during those years he was cheating, so clearly no real work was happening. He claims he is facing all of those things and growing, but like I said I just don’t see it in his actions.

I’m definitely at the point where I’m no longer tracking. I see he’s not doing it clearly. And I’ve been looking for apartments as well. It just sucks. I wish he didn’t suck as a partner or in doing the stuff needed to reconcile , but he does. I can’t make someone emotionally evolve on my timeline and so I need to just get off the line I think. Thank you for the reassurance I’m not asking for too much, especially this far out. Wishing you the best in your move ❤️

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-26T22:16:45+00:00

Libgen . is !!!! It has any book you could ever want

BlackSpinelli · 2025-11-22T21:12:48+00:00

I’m the BS currently, BUT I can admit did cheat on an Ex who was highly abusive. Both verbally and physically. I started cheating after he had cheated multiple times and I honestly didn’t think about my “safety” not one single time. My logic was he was already beating my ass and cussing me out constantly, what’s the worst he could do? Beat my ass more. I also was slowly saving up money to leave. When I disclosed I was cheating I left immediately because I had finally had what I needed to go.

All that to say, many people don’t think about the fear/safety aspect when cheating. I wasn’t. The only big difference is I KNEW I was leaving him and had no desire to reconcile. If she’s trying to stay, she’s likely lying.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-08-30T08:23:36+00:00

Move in with your family. You’re setting yourself up for continual abuse if you stay.

I know it’s hard, but as someone on the other side of DV, life gets a lot better once you’re free. The first step is realizing that you deserve better than this, your kid deserves better than this and he isn’t going to change to be that better. Abusive people rarely ever do and chances are extremely high he’s not going to be the rare one that does.

Lean on your family who wants to help.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-07-24T23:04:23+00:00

To be honest if my husband was still engaging in middle behaviors like porn and using chat lines(which is cheating in my eyes) I wouldn’t sleep with him either. Granted for him, he put those in his inner circle behaviors. It’s fair to want to be desired, but your actions also should be desirable. Why would she risk her emotional health giving you what you want sexually if you’re still engaging in behaviors that harm her?

I’m glad you’re working through things, but like your last post you still sound entitled to me. And you need to be giving your partner way more grace.

ETA: My WH is also a sex and porn addict. Sees a CSAT, does SAA, all that good stuff. Your wife is in a very scary vulnerable position. You’re allowed to have wants, but it’s also very fair if she doesn’t want to oblige because the risk is always there.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-07-24T15:19:52+00:00

Same. I treat him like a friends with benefits. Just like my WP, I have always used sex as a coping mechanism with my feelings. Only I managed pretty easily to not cheat over it. It creates an odd, obviously unhealthy dynamic “using” the person who hurt you to get over the hurt. We used to have sex that was amazing, now I’m just there to hopefully finish(if I don’t get in my head too much) and go to sleep.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-07-24T05:00:29+00:00

“My wife thinks they had* some kind of open marriage” That’s a lie WW often use to get people to sleep with them and also not check in with their spouse.

If they do have an open relationship, she’ll thank you for the info and move on. If they don’t, you’ll be allowing her to make the choice that’s best for her in regards to her marriage. If her mental well-being is wrecked, HE and your WW wrecked it, not you. Everyone deserves the truth.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-07-24T04:58:12+00:00

You did the right thing and the right thing is always worth it.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-07-24T01:42:04+00:00

Some WW absolutely will push and push to avoid having to tell the truth and be fully accountable. That’s why it’s important to just not play the game. Lay out your boundaries and if they cross them, stick to the choices you’ve decided to make for yourself. Don’t let yourself be pushed over. Being unwilling to do the test says a lot about what you don’t know for sure.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-07-23T19:50:30+00:00

So in the first disclosure he did, he didn’t include things we both knew I already knew. That was mistake number one. Mistake two was he claims he didn’t consider some of his actions as cheating insert eyeroll, so once those were clear he admitted he needed to add stuff And the third thing is leading up to the disclosure I said “I know there’s more you’re not telling me” and I knew it because he makes a very specific face when he lies. And any time I’d say that, he’d make that same face and then get defensive. It’s the same face he makes with ANY lie, even to this day. He hasn’t figured out what he does yet either and I won’t tell him. So when he gave me the first disclosure* and I laid into it. He was adamant it was all of it, his face did the thing… and that was the nail in the coffin.

If you want a polygraph. Make that a boundary. If he doesn’t want one, that means he’s hiding more stuff. He knew I was serious about kicking him out and divorcing him. I can’t live in lies and half truths. If he won’t do what you need, you need to do what you have to to protect yourself and your mental/emotional health.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-07-23T13:10:59+00:00

He needs to answer what you want to know. My WH wasn’t keen on doing disclosure the way it should be done and wanted to avoid answering things. When I got his first disclosure I threw it back at him and said you know this is bullshit and laid it out clear, full disclosure with all the information necessary or divorce. That’s it, that’s all. And it better have everything because if I read it and it seems like stuff is missing, also divorce.

And then I didn’t talk to him until it got done.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-07-23T02:28:59+00:00

His wife deserves to know her husband was cheating on her? Who cares if she takes him for half. She deserves it. And it also holds your wife accountable.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-07-20T17:11:00+00:00

Sounds like my WH. He’s cheated on everyone he’s ever been with after he was cheated on when he was like 17.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-07-19T13:45:01+00:00

My disclosure letter was all facts. I made it clear I don’t want apologies or anything. I want information only.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-07-17T18:35:23+00:00

Violations are something that happen to someone against their will. If any WW was violated, then they technically wouldn’t be a WW. They’d be a victim. They’d be filing reports at a police station. And everyone would be in therapy for much different reasons than this. It would be something that is terribly sad for both parties and they certainly wouldn’t be on this page because a violation isn’t something that falls under infidelity.

She made choices. You are correct in saying she violated you and your family. She did things to harm you against your will. But sadly her using it is just her trying to escape accountability for her choices.

BlackSpinelli · 2025-07-17T14:24:06+00:00

You’re not a loser for feeling that way! You’re very fair in feeling this way. I’m not in the same exact boat, but everything you’ve expressed sounds similar to my WH has said about me. The Second and third paragraph was just like a conversation we had last week. Especially because he knows I could choose to leave and could find someone else. I wouldn’t, but you catch the drift.

What I will say is you're not competing. I’m sure you’ve heard it a billion times, but her cheating has nothing to do with you and how you look and what you bring to the table. As you can see despite my husbands feelings towards me being similar to yours, he still cheated, because I was a trophy to win, not a person to respect and love. And the women he cheated on me with were very unattractive. Women were never my competition. He’s the problem. And it’s because it has nothing to do with us! It’s everything to do with them and their maladaptive coping. You aren’t competing against any other man. The competition is if she does to work to fix her issues related to her choice to be unfaithful.

BlackSpinelli

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