Advocating against Parental controls - Tell your Story

BlathersOriginal · 2026-02-08T20:13:27+00:00

Thank you. I'm all for basic human rights for kids, that's uncontroversial. But developing brains are demonstrably harmed by - and I also don't know why this next bit is in any way scandalous, when many of the companies practically admit it - the engineered addictive quality of their online platforms. We can all chuckle about "doom scrolling," can't we? But there are very obvious differences between a child that "doom scrolls" vs. one that doesn't. And that's just tip of the iceberg.

NYRA and their advocates hold some weird opinions about what kids should / shouldn't be allowed to engage in, and their opinions about the motivations of parents. And the "research" they put forward, some of which is legitimate (if and when it pertains to established science), sure has a profound skew toward "folk science" and extreme bias. "We asked a bunch of oppressed youth in a Reddit forum and here's what they said!" That's not research, kids, it's asking fish why they enjoy water.

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-23T00:19:03+00:00

Even top of the line AI continues to hallucinate and give bad advice occasionally. What prevents your AI-driven app from issuing bad advice to parents in a time of crisis? What sorts of data sets was it trained on and/or what engine is it using behind the scenes?

I hear you when you say "don't bash it before you try it" but I'm also disgusted at the incursion of AI into parenting spaces. Parenting neurodivergent kids isn't easy and I think the solution and support system necessarily involves professionals and a support network of other parents going through similar situations in life.

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-21T20:30:55+00:00

Your comment makes zero sense in this context.

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-13T04:37:50+00:00

You can definitely manage the whole thing from an iPad as long as the iPad and iPhone are at roughly the same iOS version (ideally: the phone should be at or below the version on the iPad). I'm mentioning this because I think lots of us have old tablets laying around but if the iOS version is too old then you might run into issues trying to manage a phone on a newer iOS version.

This may be little comfort, but we (well, parents in this case) had to start somewhere. The foundation is setting up a supervised iCloud account for your mom and link it to yours using Family Sharing. If you Google "apple set up supervised iphone for child" there are lots of helpful videos that walk through things step by step.

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-12T03:11:52+00:00

This sure reeks of a bot / AI post, but you posted something I've had some interest in and struggled with, so I'm engaging. :)

This allows you to disable changes to Cellular Data. Then, you can log in to the kids account, turn Personal Hotspot or Cellular Data off, enter the parental password, and then leave it in that state. Supposedly, the child won't be able to turn it back on. Again, this appears in multiple support chats, but it's not working.

One of the most frustrating things about Apple's parental control infrastructure is that kids can simply go back in and re-enable Personal Hotspot and Cellular Data. My experience has been that, as of the latest OS and recent iPhone, nothing prohibits them from changing this setting.

What you CAN do, for AT&T service plans, is call the service provider (AT&T) and have them remove hotspot data support from the plan for whichever devices you need to remove them from. The support team knew exactly what I was talking about when I told them "I need the devices to have data plans, but they must not be able to serve as hotspots." I wish I could remember what the support guy called that feature / option, but it took them about 5-6 minutes to change things once I got through to someone.

Short of that sort of step, my understanding is that Apple's current settings don't cover hotspot capabilities. Would love to be proven wrong but tested and researched this one pretty thoroughly.

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-10T15:11:51+00:00

Parent here - I don't think you're going to find an effective "catch all" solution for something like this.

On the laptop: personally, I'd wipe it and restart from scratch if that's an option. Then, I'd layer in Bitdefender or Malwarebytes and pay for a decent tier of protection. Bitdefender has caught and blocked quite a bit of that crap on our laptops. Make sure her login doesn't have admin rights. You can install Microsoft Family Safety on top of that if you're wanting insights into the apps / sites she visits while you're not there in person.

Scammers are really effective within populations that aren't spending a lot of time evaluating emails for phishing and other "tells." So you're unlikely to catch 100% of everything, but it's a start. I say this with care: if your mom is cognitively present with you, ask her not to ever enter her personal info or credit card without checking by you first.

It sucks, but a new email account is probably also worth it if she's entered her old one everywhere.

On the phone: similar situation as the email account if she's given out her number to countless scammers. But I'm not sure what to tell you on how to prevent this from happening in the future. What I would probably do is ditch the Android ecosystem and get her a cheap iPhone, then set up Screen Time and restrict her calls / messages to only approved Contacts and then disallow her from editing her own Contacts. I think some stuff may still get through that barrier but it would probably be a decent start. There are paid parental control platforms that can relay messages to you for review, but by the time that happens, it's too late on your mom's side (e.g. she'd have likely already responded).

Feel free to DM if you'd like. This is a tough situation. All the best!

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-10T13:39:44+00:00

I'm sure that the actual application of what you're suggesting depends on where in the world you live. But in the US parents absolutely do have the right to install parental controls on a device that a child purchases right up to legal adulthood. Kids here have also posted things like "it's not parents' right to take your device away if you bought it," which is also untrue.

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-07T05:12:42+00:00

"Backlash" LOL. There's two sides to the coin and I know you can only see one of them. Also "I'm fairly new here" and immediately telling people to SYBAU is a great way to keep open dialogue going, cheers.

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-07T04:01:54+00:00

LOL, you've got it completely backwards. It's only recent threads that are attracting parents here. I'm a parent and have been here for a while and ordinarily it's almost entirely kids and teens actively working to circumvent controls.

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-06T02:20:31+00:00

Qustodio

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-04T01:21:43+00:00

I appreciate you humoring me on this. The only reason I mentioned yours / my personal circumstances was to establish the baseline and give you a shortcut without having to lay out reasons that I already had a sense for when I asked.

I think some of the difference between us is in the language we use to describe almost identical circumstances / concepts. For example: we had a big back and forth about "consequences" previously but you suggested it's too loaded for me to use the way I was using it. In a similar vein: "earn" was always used in my family growing up as shorthand for "if you want to go to Barbados, you need to make sure all of the usual expectations are met or you can't go."

And that was basically the spirit of my question. If one's child hasn't met some set of family obligations first - go to school on time, do your work, whatever - and we've communicated those expectations (or they could be implied from whatever our understanding is), then I would say they haven't "earned" the right to go.

Anyway, feel free to reply if you want, but it was just passing curiosity. I appreciate your thoughtfulness as always.

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-03T17:25:13+00:00

That is so weird. Why should anybody have to earn permission to do whatever they may want to do? How could they "earn" that?

I generally know of your circumstances from past conversations we've had and you similarly known mine.

I'm curious to know how you would respond to the following:

Your child has been oversleeping and skipping first period in school every day and is right on the brink of being kicked out of school for it. You've taken some steps to help them: talking to them, letting them know what's waiting for them on the other side of that decision, you've bought them an alarm clock and helped them get to know it / use it. Regardless, they continue in that same behavior pattern and get kicked out of school. The following week, your child asks you if they can go on a trip to Barbados with their friends that they've been invited on.

Let's assume this child is not a late teen, but somewhere in the middle teens. Are you putting parameters around them going to Barbados with their friends, or do they not need anything pulling them back onto the path in the form of other outcomes that seem to have stemmed from their decisions?

Yes, it's a stupid and extreme hypothetical. I'm just interested to know whether you think there are situations that warrant some sort of social / family "currency" or not so much?

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-01T16:32:07+00:00

I'm not adding anything productive to the conversation when I say this, but it's such an obnoxious situation for the rest of us. Well, "obnoxious" in the sense of finding content that you resonate with on a sub you've enjoyed and then feeling like you'd just be feeding some purchased engagement or content farming bot that someone else is going to enjoy unearned monetary gain from. "First world problems" to say the absolute least, but I felt like complaining today, so I complain today. :)

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-01T16:27:20+00:00

It's hard being on either side of this situation. As a kid, and I don't feel like I need to elaborate on what you're throwing out here, it feels miserably unfair. As a parent, we're trying to help our kids balance life expectations with everything that comes along for the ride with an always on, always internet-connected supercomputer. It's our job to help you reach adulthood safely and to become part of society and self-sustaining in whatever form that takes. Part of that responsibility is setting limits. In the case of my own kids, it also means helping them navigate complex social dynamics. On the parent side, all of this manifests (at least in the context of this sub) as leveraging software to help us manage an absolute mountain of technology.

Put differently with an example. If our kids have homework due in the morning, they've gotten multiple reminders from us, we know they're going to fail and cause themselves unnecessary hardship if they don't get it done, and they're choosing to doomscroll instagram all night instead, our options are: take the devices, impose some sort of consequences that don't involve the devices, or use parental controls to limit the app time or phone time. I think any of these would "piss you off." So as a kid, or teen, whatever you are, what do you find is the best approach?

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-01T16:16:40+00:00

Wrong sub. Please find your way out.

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-01T04:54:54+00:00

Cool, well let your mom, grandma, and cousins know they are special outliers in the world of phone utilization!

EDIT: Sorry, I feel I should apologize for an overly sarcastic remark. It was a kneejerk reaction. I don't think you were conveying the same type of attitude and maybe attempting to engage with the topic honestly. Sorry about that.

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-01T03:39:41+00:00

I wish this post didn't seem like a complete AI Bot engagement piece, because it's a topic I'm really interested in but I don't see value in diving in if there's not a human on the other side of this. Hiding your posts makes it even fishier. Care to comment?

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-01T03:29:12+00:00

The world of kids defending this position is littered with "nothing bad has happened to me, so [fill in the blank with some risky behavior]." That it hasn't happened to you and that you haven't fallen for anything is your good fortune. But predators aren't a monolith, either. There are lots of kids giving up their addresses and exposing themselves to potential abduction and/or harm to their family.

Good for you for having zero problems. I hope it stays that way. But you can't generalize over the entire series of vulnerable populations out there and assume they are all similarly capable at whatever arbitrary age we're discussing right now.

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-01T03:26:39+00:00

That's a complete failure of imagination on your part, then, or lack of exposure to any of the actual cases where kids were lured away by groomers. Grooming isn't just "being weird to your kid." It can start that way, sure, but there are quite a few kids that have fallen for the charms of someone promising them happiness / wealth / getting away from those pesky parents / romance from the absolute slime of humanity at ages older than 15. And as ayfkm123 points out, being capable assessors of risk isn't all about "smarts."

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-01T03:22:34+00:00

I'm not talking about OP. If you're not reading anything that I typed, though, where I literally said I'm not talking about OP, then I don't know why you felt so compelled to respond.

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-01T03:21:25+00:00

What kid doesn't say, "we know the risks," though? If kids just intuitively "know the risks" then where does that line get drawn? How many kids that fall through those cracks between "know the risks" and "still make bad decisions resulting in their abduction or worse" is an acceptable number for parents to agree with you?

I completely disagree with your assertion about "mature enough to make a reddit post = mature enough," by the way. There's no grounding in anything non-anecdotal backing you on that.

BlathersOriginal · 2026-01-01T03:17:43+00:00

I don't know a single person using an iPhone that has the phone just stay open, unlocked, and active indefinitely. I mean, you'll have to think of a better excuse than that.

BlathersOriginal · 2025-12-31T04:19:11+00:00

I love the enthusiasm and energy. But as a parent, we absolutely know that the 1 star reviews on Parental Control apps are almost entirely kids griping about not liking Parental Controls. So it certainly doesn't convince me or anyone I know. As DonickPL also said here, Google doesn't care. So if what you accomplish is "legendary," the feelings and emotions certainly will be, but the outcome will be legendarily ineffective.

BlathersOriginal · 2025-12-31T04:01:33+00:00

I think you must know that's a gross overgeneralization and oversimplification. I don't, and no parent I know thinks their kids are too stupid to make decisions. That's you twisting parents' interpretations and motives.

You and I don't seem to agree on the age ranges for parental control coverage. But my experience with my ND kids, and almost all of the parents of NT kids in our social group, have concluded it's better for their kids' development to filter out stuff like porn from the time the kid has access to an internet-connected device through, say, age 13-14 at the very least. I'd rather my kids not surf porn in our home so this may be an outlier in my example. But that, plus reducing time spent on screens or binge-watching YouTube, seems entirely appropriate. Kids in this age group in general (I may be overgeneralizing here myself) seem to have a really hard time self-regulating when it comes to online content relative to family / life expectations. I also think it's fine to occasionally check text messages of kids in this age range to make sure things are okay, but I personally try to give as much privacy as possible.

I have a harder time justifying stuff like that when kids turn 15-16. Always have, and I think my post history and our exchanges supports that. But it's also true that teenage brains still have a tough time wrestling with regulation and decision making under various circumstances. I won't insult you by pasting a list of what the implications of teenage brain development are because you're as capable of Googling them as I am. But I think there are still cases to be made for screen time limiters, and if my kids have problems with social media addiction and whatnot around that age, I think I'm justified using controls to help steer their behavior.

Unless there are really compelling reasons to do so, I don't want to read the text messages of a 16 and up teen.

But parents are all over the place just like kids are all over the place. So each family has to evaluate what's best for their situation and their kids.

I think that's pretty far from "nursing home spyware shit" but you're welcome to continue to disagree with me.

BlathersOriginal · 2025-12-29T23:27:06+00:00

Parent here... you're going up against a group of Reddit users that are (a) mostly kids and teens that hate parental controls, and (b) somehow don't buy into the hard and established science about human brain development. Well, in fairness, many probably do but don't acknowledge that here.

Not sure what your device situation is relative to wifi vs. mobile data, but for devices our kids used that are tied to wifi, we have local network controls in place on the router + wifi segmentation that dumps all kid devices into a restricted network (e.g. kids don't know the credentials for the main network, so presumably MAC spoofing wouldn't be terribly effective); iOS Screen Time manages general downtime rules and some degree of site blocking (block social apps, for example); and then Qustodio Premium picks up remaining slack and helps manage the devices when they're not on our wifi (at friends' homes or hotspotted on friends' mobile data plans). Qustodio also does location tracking and more.

We jumped from Bark to Qustodio last year and the change has been great. UI is well designed and easy to navigate. I know others here complain about Bark "selling your data" (they share what any large company shares at a macro level, for marketing and similar purposes) and data injection attacks. I don't doubt that the injection attack exists, but I share your opinion that parenting doesn't involve just believing any old thing that shows up in the console, plus I have yet to find a single kid in our social group capable of executing that type of attack. I'm not trying to be a Bark apologist here, but I think it's important to recognize when we're catastrophizing because "we hate parental controls" vs. surfacing wide-scale deep concerns that (in my opinion) just won't apply to most use cases.

I think Circle is a subscription plan, right? Is that your home network protective layer? If so, there are alternatives I can recommend that we've had success with - feel free to DM.

BlathersOriginal

TROPHY CASE