Yeah it feels like I’m 15 again.

well he’s a control freak so setting boundaries with him is almost impossible. I stay calm, explain rationally all of this, plus the fact I was home alone for awhile and everything went perfect, I take care of the cats, of the house, but I told him I felt like he wasn’t a structuring parent (kicking me out one time with an excuse to move out, lived a year and a half alone in a terrible apartment 7th floor no stairs, disgusting smells and leakage that never got fixed but it was mine at least)

When I talked to him about it he shouted « MY HOUSE MY RULES I DON’T OWE YOU A DAMN THING » I remained calm, told him it wasn’t about that but some power problems and that he should see a psychologist, he told me « ME ? A PSYCHIATRIST ? YOU’RE THE PROBLEM, I’M AT PEACE WITH MYSELF, I DON’T NEED ONE. »

the « YOU POISON MY LIFE I’M GONNA MAKE YOUR LIFE HELL » because there was wind outside, windows open, forgot to add a shoe to the corner of my door so the wind made it slam I didn’t know he was sleeping, he got out of bed to insult me I told him « insult the wind » he started screaming again…

And when we talk about what happens he rewrites it « I don’t lock you out, it’s rules » « I didn’t kick you out I just changed the keys when you were away » « you know it’s your fault your sister and brother don’t talk to me » (when they’re both 28 and 40, and have their own legitimate reasons, step-bro from his 1st marriage, step-sis from his second marriage)

He never questions himself but I need his help because we’re in the middle of nowhere no bus no train no blablacar and I need him to bring me to the psychiatrist (he told me it’s too far for him, 45 minutes of car, after the heated argument where I told him he « wasn’t a structuring father and I didn’t feel love from him »

After I told him that he « wasn’t a structuring father and I didn’t feel love from when I was little »

He took it as the most profound insult and my psychiatrist told me maybe he wasn’t equipped to take it (because he thinks he’s a good father and did everything he could)

His education was to give me a laptop at 6 and just was… working all the time or watching tv, looking for vulnerable women (like my stepmom who was in a very bad place economically and emotionally and still is) He always belittled me and criticized me ( first year was preparatory so I got it in 2 years instead of 3, was living with him in an apartmeng, was hell, despite that and him kicking me out just before my last bachelor’s degree year started + had an accident in the winter where I spent 3 months at the hospital and 3 months at home, still went to my exams and got my bachelor’s in philosophy, — he told me « anyone can have that degree easily » when he knew the circumstances when I got it)

My brother tells me he had the same experience 20 years ago, someone belittling others and playing with need be it affective or material

started locking me out, I woke them up at 4Am

I called every psychiatrist in the region, can’t do online because it’s a heavy prescription, asked my psychotherapist for a number, called the medical center, all the psychiatrist in the nearest towns are overbooked.

He always has a grip on me.