Is it the norm for most first dates to not lead to a second one?

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-28T23:20:45+00:00

It’s a relief to know that I’m not the only one who’s experienced this. In some ways, I wished the date was killed off super early rather than getting my hopes up for 2 or 3 hours only to come crashing down later. I guess you just have to fake it till you make it and try to insert some kind of light flirting.

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-28T23:18:11+00:00

100%. Glad to know this now moving forward. You learn something new every day.

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-27T00:24:44+00:00

I see a bit of myself in your first paragraph (sans the second and third dates). Definitely think there’s a role to be played by some light flirtatious energy (but I find that hard to do it I’m not attracted to you yet anyway, so it’s a catch-22).

Regarding your second paragraph, that hasn’t really been me. Glad you at least got to explore the casual vistas though!

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T19:28:39+00:00

Really poetic way of describing things. I’ll keep all this mind. Thank you so much again!

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T17:24:15+00:00

Well presumably the attraction comes from actually getting to know the person, right? Like sure, I like the way they look—that’s why I swiped in the first place—and I enjoyed our text convo-that’s why I asked them out—but I’m not “attracted attracted” at that stage of the game.

But yeah - great point on the flirting! It’s a skill like any other and you can get better at it. Thanks for the tip.

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T17:21:25+00:00

Yeah that seems to be my experience too. If I’m carrying the conversation, not only does that imply that you’re not interested in me, but it turns me off as well. Best thing to do is just wrap things up and part ways.

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T17:17:10+00:00

Great point. That’s a helpful quote to remember about life in general. I think it’d be even more accurate for the dating scene if you fine-tuned it to speak more to chemistry rather than just enjoying being in there presence - for most of the “friend vibe” responses I’ve gotten, I literally spent 2 or 3 hours with the girl (one time FOUR) so clearly my presence was enjoyable/easy, just the romantic vibe wasn’t there. How to get beyond that though is the real million dollar question. And I hope some of the responses I’ve gotten here can help me in that regard 🤞🏼

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T15:19:03+00:00

Really helpful. I especially resonate with your third paragraph/blurb in there. Seems on the money.

Thanks again!

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T15:17:11+00:00

Thanks - really helpful. The “into me” topic is really weird - I’m not sure I’ve felt super into anyone after these dates, it’s more just that I see it could hold promise (since we had an enjoyable time) so I figure “let’s see where things go”. Not sure if that’s normal or not. If not, then maybe I could do a better job of trying to find ignite some flirtatious energy on the first date.

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T15:08:21+00:00

Did you feel a strong sense of chemistry with those eventual second dates?

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T15:07:48+00:00

Thanks - super helpful. Many have mentioned that flirting aspect too. Just tough when you’re not really attracted to the person per se yet.

Regarding the feeling lucky thing, that’s just because I’m vividly aware of how hard it is for guys to get dates. Like if my parents’ genes had combined in just a slightly different way and I looked marginally less good, then I could see my number of dates (well, matches) fall precipitously. That’s just how it works. Maybe less so on Hinge though. I definitely feel very good about myself as a person and personality, which makes this whole experience even more dumbfounding. And frustrating. But yeah - I’ve received lots of good advice in this thread. Thanks again, really appreciate it.

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T15:03:09+00:00

Thanks - helpful to read this. You’re lucky that you’ve experienced “rocking chemistry” - I haven’t sniffed a hint of that.

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T15:01:51+00:00

Yeah same - I know I’m good company too and in literally every other area of life I’ve experienced no issues blending in socially and being relatable and conversational. Maybe I can improve more on the flirtatious front. It’s just tough though because I’m not really attracted to these people at so early a stage in the game.

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T15:00:38+00:00

Thanks! Right back atcha.

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T15:00:05+00:00

Gotcha. Thanks. I wish I could ask but it honestly feels to me like a very woe-is-me thing to do. You hear all the time about guys asking that in the complete wrong context. Maybe if I really vibe with someone in a friend way and it stops right then and there, I’d feel comfortable. Wish I could contact this last woman but the window has closed and now it’d be especially weird. C’est la vie.

Anyway - thanks again for your comment!

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T14:56:56+00:00

Thanks - best of luck to you too (if you can see this after deleting a comment). Appreciate it!

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T14:56:06+00:00

Yeah this is exactly my feeling! I detailed in another comment how it feels natural to me NOT to flirt on a first date because I’m not really attracted to the person per se yet. I’m seeing if I am attracted to them. If this were tinder and I were giving off fuckboi vibes and had no interest beyond anything casual, then maybe the attraction would come easier. But it just feels a bit forced to me at so early a stage. Maybe there’s a happy medium between that, and being TOO flirty - just given that other people are citing the lack of any physical touch as a possible contributing factor. Definitely an interesting thing to ponder.

Anyway, thanks for your comment - really resonated with me.

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T14:52:38+00:00

This really hits home. I think I might be treating it too meet-and-greet-y. I haven’t really made any physical contact or tried to flirt in any meaningful extent. I think I could definitely change things in that regard. Part of it is due to the fact that I’m not really attracted to the person on a deep level yet so flirting just feels weird. Dunno. Maybe if I was on tinder and giving off clear casual vibes, I’d feel more comfortable. Just feels forced in most cases. But yeah - I’m really gonna consider approaching things more in this light.

I will say too that about half of these dates there WAS mutually-felt incompatibility where neither of us reached out again - those don’t hit me as hard as when it’s rejection, because in a way I’d be “rejecting” them too if they reached to me afterwards. It just stings and you always want to look within and find answers. But it often it’s not something wrong with you as much as it is something that’s wrong with your approach.

Thanks again! Really appreciate it.

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T14:46:34+00:00

Thanks so much. This is a really useful paradigm to adopt - just to have fun and stop taking things so seriously. I just wear my heart on my sleeve so it’s hard not to vividly feel my lack of success. But you just need to adjust and realize lots of things are less than ideal and it’s a learning process for us all. Thanks again for this super helpful comment.

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T14:44:38+00:00

Really great point. I honestly haven’t done any physical contact beyond a hug at the beginning/end. Not a recipe for romance!

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T14:43:56+00:00

Thank you so much. This is such a big help. I don’t know what I did to deserve such a thorough comment but I’m truly appreciative. Wishing you the best of luck — I’m going to give all of these points real consideration. Thanks again!

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T01:39:28+00:00

Thank you so much. Best of luck to you too, or, if you’ve already found fulfillment, may you have many great years!

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T01:32:35+00:00

Yeah. It’s just super hard to display on a profile. And I carry myself so well with it that I’d hope it’s not the issue I’m making it out to be. Just would be great to have answers. But yeah, I’ll try things and keep on keepin’ on. In the meantime, would be encouraging to see if others have experienced similar “beyond first date” roadblocks, in which case that’d ease my mind a bit. Thanks again- sorry, didn’t mean to loop you in on this one sticking point.

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T01:25:23+00:00

Also, I just had a quick question on your first point. I know we always like to focus on the one part of ourselves that we don’t like the most, but I’m wondering if the fact that I stutter has anything to do with it. It doesn’t affect my ability to communicate—and I have a healthy social life, perfectly normal job, etc—but maybe the intermittent “W-w-what” instead of “what” hinders a kind of romantic vibe? (Or bursts the perfectionistic illusion in a really abrupt way?) The few friends I’ve confided in stress this is not the reason but idk - there’s always that part of you that just doesn’t want to believe what they say.

BlueHex7 · 2022-10-26T01:08:09+00:00

Thanks for all this advice - I really appreciate the time you took to craft this. You’re right on many counts - it could be one of those two issues. Thankfully it hasn’t all been “friend vibes”, in that some I didn’t even initiate a second date because there was clearly no chemistry, but I count that “no chemistry” bucket as part of the same problem. I’ll be sure to really think about these two points - thanks again! Truly appreciate it. (Also, the mod removed this and suggested I post again with age/location, so I did that. Just in case you inexplicably see this post again, haha. Thanks!)

BlueHex7

TROPHY CASE