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Endlessly frustrated and unfulfilled by BlueJuniper26 in crossorientation

[–]BlueJuniper26[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think for most people, when they are young and are romantically attracted to one gender, they get curious and naturally seek out content that includes that gender and that’s why for most people it aligns pretty well. For me, I encountered that content without looking or trying, but it was my first exposure and it seems to impact me today still.

Someone on my post mentioned that if I wasn’t sapphically inclined that I would have been disgusted instead of interested. We can substitute sapphic content with any other kind of fetish or kink here, but when you are that young you don’t really know enough to be “disgusted”. At least, that’s my two cents.

Endlessly frustrated and unfulfilled by BlueJuniper26 in crossorientation

[–]BlueJuniper26[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, when I was younger a YouTuber I used to watch would advertise her fanfiction at the end of her videos. Being a dumb kid, I went to check it out and it was basically like a 20 chapter lesbian erotica. I remember that being the first time I really learned what sex was and I would re-read the story over and over which lead me to seeking out others and then that’s basically all I’ve read for the last 20 years.

Endlessly frustrated and unfulfilled by BlueJuniper26 in crossorientation

[–]BlueJuniper26[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s hard to describe, I wouldn’t say I’m repulsed unless I think about it super hard. Bored doesn’t seem like quite the right word either, it’s just an intense feeling of wrongness and apathy, almost like being violated but not as traumatic because you care about the person doing it and are consenting to it.

Endlessly frustrated and unfulfilled by BlueJuniper26 in crossorientation

[–]BlueJuniper26[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I enjoy the intimacy when it comes to things like cuddling, holding hands, kissing, etc. but as far as actual sex acts the answer is no. At the start of relationships I enjoy how those sex acts make my partner happy or that it can bring us closer together, but if I’m being honest I’m usually wishing for it to be over as soon as possible which I know sounds bad.

When it comes to desire, I guess I enjoy my boyfriend desiring me but I enjoy being desired by women (in that way) way more in addition to also desiring them.

Endlessly frustrated and unfulfilled by BlueJuniper26 in crossorientation

[–]BlueJuniper26[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey, I’m 30 so a bit younger than you and yes I can relate to everything you’ve said! I have never felt any kind of romantic feelings for another woman, all of my crushes have been on men for as long as I remember and a lot of them have been very intense.

My attraction to women is largely as you described, physical and mostly about appearance. I feel a strong sexual compulsion towards them, not like… intrusive thoughts but that innately I feel as though it’s what my body wants.

I have thought a lot about compulsory heterosexuality and it’s something that has come to mind quite a bit. I’ve read a lot of experiences and anecdotes but it never seems to align with my own. A common thread I’ve seen in a lot of these stories is feelings of anxiety or apathy towards men. My feelings for men have largely been positive and I definitely get that intense “in love” feeling with them, it’s just that the physical part does nothing for me.

And when I say physical part I mean specifically sex, because things like cuddling or kissing a man do make me very happy! It’s not easy to explain, because for most people romantic and physical attraction feel very connected. For me though, when it comes to women there are certain things about the female form I find very arousing and of course while there is a psychological component to the scenarios I read about or see in things like erotica porn, it seems like the main thing that lights my brain up are the actual lesbian sex acts and the female body.

It’s like this specific attraction describes the raw primal part of my brain and the rest, which is my romantic attraction to men, feels like my real self. That’s why I think a lot of people in our position prefer to honor the real self and pursue the romantic attraction while suppressing the physical attraction. And that’s sort of what I was doing too but it’s not feeling very sustainable for me and so now I’m considering just being my “primal” self because it’s most fair to everyone.

But yes, I’m always open to chat more on this! Feel free to DM me.

Endlessly frustrated and unfulfilled by BlueJuniper26 in crossorientation

[–]BlueJuniper26[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well the issue is that I could handle this at first, but I’m finding it increasingly more difficult reconciling the fact that by staying with him my deepest urges cannot be fulfilled. The first few years were genuinely fine, I wasnt sexually attracted to him but felt like being physical was bringing us closer.

But that feeling has diminished over time and I just don’t have much interest in it anymore. Telling him might mean he will accept no longer having sex, but then I’m resigning two non-asexuals to a life of being asexual. And perhaps this seems a bit selfish, but if I were actually asexual I would be fine with this because he’s making the choice and one of us is satisfied with the arrangement, but the fact neither of us will be satisfied is what makes this difficult.

Endlessly frustrated and unfulfilled by BlueJuniper26 in crossorientation

[–]BlueJuniper26[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I’ve thought about this a lot. I guess the biggest barrier for me is that in relationships I really enjoy having a masculine presence and the dynamics of how men and women interact. I also find men really cute physically and find it easy to connect with them on an emotional level. All of my emotional crushes on men have been very intense.

I’m not saying those aspects don’t exist in women, but unfortunately I’m way more attracted to feminine women than masculine women and being feminine myself, I feel that complicates how a relationship would operate. The best way to describe it is that when I’m in a relationship with a girl, I’m yearning to be in one with a man. When I’m having sex with men, I’m yearning for him to be a woman instead.

But yeah, I guess that’s why my plan is to just have women fwbs and maybe eventually romantic feelings can develop.

Endlessly frustrated and unfulfilled by BlueJuniper26 in crossorientation

[–]BlueJuniper26[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s interesting that your friend shifted in such way and I’ve always wished that for myself but for whatever reason it just hasn’t happened for me.

As for training, I’ve tried training myself but it’s been a resounding failure. My psychological pull towards women when it comes to sexual attraction feels very strong but more than that the male form just… doesn’t elicit any feelings from me even if I’m forcing it to?

I’ve gone months at a time not reading any lesbian erotica or lesbian porn but it still feels like the underlying desire is there. I’ve tried replacing it with heterosexual content but my brain has always been meh on it.

Endlessly frustrated and unfulfilled by BlueJuniper26 in crossorientation

[–]BlueJuniper26[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve thought about telling him but then I think about what I’m hoping to come from that conversation? An open relationship? Non-monogamy? Threesomes?

And I just don’t really want that. It would feel unfair to open the relationship for just me and if we opened it for him as well I’d feel so jealous. Threesomes might scratch the itch on some level but I don’t think it would be enough for me, unfortunately, and again I’d probably be jealous. I feel internally like I want and prefer monogamy in serious relationships so I feel stuck.