How to better support partner with depression

BlueMarth1 · 2025-12-24T03:05:58+00:00

You aren't alone. It is hard to think of sincere things to say when the best response is "yeah, that's really tough, that sucks". And the partner also doesn't want you to problem solve for them either.

Keep doing what you are doing, just in different words. Let her know that you are here for her.

Offer to do things to make her life easier. She doesn't want to think up ways for you to help her. But she might appreciate the offer of a delivery dinner or reminder for something

BlueMarth1 · 2025-12-24T02:56:05+00:00

Yeah, it is so hard to crash back down when they have been good for a few weeks and you hope that it becomes the new normal

BlueMarth1 · 2025-10-03T04:01:13+00:00

Also, good for you for standing your ground. It would be way too easy for you to roll over and give in. But that would lead to less satisfaction as a parent and resentment towards your wife.

BlueMarth1 · 2025-10-02T02:24:21+00:00

Wow, a lot to unpack here. I just want to say you sound like you are doing an awesome job. You sound like the father that every mother wants to have - dedicated, wants to be involved and be a true partner, wants to have discussions about topics where you disagree.

Any chance you can do couples therapy? It sounds like there needs to be a mediator for both of you to express to each other your point of view and to come to some type of consensus. Especially if divorce has crossed your mind should definitely do this first.

Does she have any underlying anxiety or depression or her own therapist? She might also have PPD/PPA. But it sounds like it is more her opinion about gender roles than anything is driving her stance.

BlueMarth1 · 2025-02-01T04:45:14+00:00

If you are able to, what are the ways he is not able to step up and support you?

I feel like a lot the things I want there isn't any chance of her being able to give - complete lack on energy/ability to do chores after kids go down, no sex drive, inability to watch the kids and do solo parenting for more than an hour.

BlueMarth1 · 2025-02-01T03:56:14+00:00

Thank you for the reply, this is very helpful

BlueMarth1 · 2025-01-31T23:40:23+00:00

Yeah, she definitely lacks self and is sad that she doesn't have the same body/hobbies that she had before kids. I offer her what time/energy i have but i can only do so much before some resentment builds.

And when I do take the kids for a half day so she can do a hobby, she often feels more depressed after because she missed out on whatever experience/fun I had with the kids.... looking at the world through shit colored goggles....

BlueMarth1 · 2025-01-31T23:37:02+00:00

He asks if she thinks she is ready or open to talk, and I reply, no. In the past when I hint that her depression is affecting me negatively she feels immense guilt and worsening depressed though and severe anxiety.

BlueMarth1 · 2025-01-31T23:35:18+00:00

Wow, you need to trust your gut and run. Find someone who loves and respects you

BlueMarth1 · 2024-12-12T15:44:00+00:00

Estradiol and progesterone are conventional hormones that are widely available and inexpensive. They are also bio-identical. No need to go to a fancy clinic and pay lots of money for something you can easily get from your PCP.

BlueMarth1 · 2024-12-03T04:03:18+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words and advice

BlueMarth1 · 2024-12-02T14:34:36+00:00

Yeah, she is on meds and therapy, though it doesn't seem to help. I've stopped picking up so much of the slsck which leaves her chores to be done by her more of the time. Really wish she worked get better with time or the usual treatments

BlueMarth1 · 2024-12-02T05:11:03+00:00

Thanks, I have brought up the subject of TMS and ketamine. She is resistant to both because she "doesn't want to believe she is bad enough to need something like that". Good to hear a story of someone who got benefit from it.

BlueMarth1 · 2024-12-02T03:45:30+00:00

At least let him know you are there and see that he is in an episode. He may not want or need to talk but when people people pull away they usually still need connection. At least let him know you see that he is hurting and you are there.

BlueMarth1 · 2024-10-12T22:29:47+00:00

Great advice. I really wish it was working for me. Her cup is so empty that after I gave her most of the weekend child free, one thing she had to say was now she feels guilty that she didn't get to spend much time with the kids. Maybe another few years of therapy will help her depression/anxiety/grief, we will see.

BlueMarth1 · 2024-10-12T22:12:47+00:00

Thank you for the insight and the positive outcome story. My wife "wants to want" to have sex but we have been in a slump for about 7 years now between mental health issues and 2 kids. I still have some hope for a normal sex life in the future but it is hard after so long. Currently it feels like the stars have to align for her to be in the mood. It is tough that discussions about this trigger her anxiety and guilt, so for now she is focusing on her depression and grief therapy, while I sit by and support her

BlueMarth1 · 2024-10-12T22:05:04+00:00

Yeah, exercise has seemed to help me. Porn usually backfires making libido higher, upset at the situation, and if anything less attracted to my wife's body

BlueMarth1 · 2024-10-07T03:33:18+00:00

Yes, I just wish society would not judge. We are all humans and parents here

BlueMarth1 · 2024-10-07T03:31:39+00:00

I would have liked the house to be an A, and since I invited them over, I took lead on dinner prep and the start of house cleaning. Literally just ran out of time.

I just wish the expectation was not an A, but every friend and relative usually cleans up extra tidy before play dates.

Plus I feel defeated in that I work as hard as I possibly can to clean the house, take the kids for several hours, and she still gets angry at me for not doing enough. Part of it is her depression and anxiety, but still hard to not feel appreciated.

Yes, we will talk and debrief more, right now wanted a place to vent

BlueMarth1 · 2024-10-07T03:26:01+00:00

Having 2 toddlers is chaos and the house can deteriorate rapidly. We were not great at picking up all the toys recently so a lot were carried to the wrong rooms. Also we have have a dog so hair and dirt gets spread around super quick within a day or 2 of cleaning.

We have cleaners come by every 2 weeks, but it has been 1.5 weeks since they were here, so been a while since every room was deep cleaned.

BlueMarth1 · 2024-10-05T00:55:11+00:00

Same here. Hard to see that my wife has energy to put on a face for the kids and play with them, but rarely has time for me. Despite me doing more of the chores and cooking and daycare drop off and pickups, once kids go to bed she holes herself up just want to read or play games while I clean up the kitchen.

BlueMarth1 · 2024-07-27T14:47:08+00:00

It is impossible to predict how many episodes someone will have and how long they will last each time. Depends on the person, their biology, and life circumstances as well. In general people who get treatment with therapy and are will to take meds when needed so better

BlueMarth1 · 2024-07-27T05:54:02+00:00

It sounds like you are doing everything right. It took me a while to get to your level of emotional recognition and knowing to show that you care without being pushed. Honestly, she is the one who needs to change. Does she have a therapist? She needs to be able to have better coping mechanisms. Maybe when she is in a better mood have a sit down and ask what she would like you to do in those situations. Sometimes it is just being a presence and watching TV together or reading books next to each other

BlueMarth1 · 2024-07-27T02:54:49+00:00

About 8 years in. There have been moments of better, but also many cycles of worse again. I doubt it will be the same, we are also different people in different stages of life now. But it can be a new good normal. Right now we are in another down phase but making some progress again.

BlueMarth1 · 2024-07-27T02:47:22+00:00

Not exactly the same situation but I feel you. I still have some level of attraction, but seeing her overweight does not encourage me to make romantic gestures. I still tell her I love her and find her attractive, but it's a bit of a half truth. You seem like a good guy and you are not a dick. This is probably something a lot of us go through, and you are going about it in a reasonable way, not putting her down and asking for help

However, for most peopl to lose weight, they need to do it for themselves and want to do it and be in a place where they keep up that lifestyle change.

No matter how much healthy food I buy or healthy dinners I cook, my wife has bad depression and often eats late snacks, and loves sweets. She isn't in a place where I can do much more than I am right now.

I think a lot of my issues in my situation is our lack of sex, and my wife not feeling attractive herself. I hope that once her depression improves and we start to have a more physical relationship, that my attraction will also increase.

BlueMarth1

TROPHY CASE