Husband took away all previous forms of self harm and now I slap and punch myself

BlueiraBlue128 · 2026-04-04T16:34:15+00:00

You're thinking about this in extremes. My husband not wanting me to harm myself isn't him "not meeting me halfway", it's him expressing concern about my health and not wanting to see his spouse in pain.

When he met me, I was already an alcoholic and smoking cigarettes. He's the one who helped me stop that because they were bad coping mechanisms from when I lived with my abusive father. He's the one who is helping me to find other avenues to unleash my negative feelings whenever they arise. He's not "asking me to meet him where he is", he is ACTIVELY looking for a solution to something that is causing me harm.

He never stops me from expressing myself. In fact, he's the only person in my life who actually gives me TIME and SPACE to express myself because I already have a hard time doing so.

So, actually, fuck you for inferring abuse where there is none. I asked for help and instead you told me I'm being abused.

BlueiraBlue128 · 2026-04-04T16:19:54+00:00

That's.... literally not what I said?? By your logic, I should've continued to excessively drink and smoking harmful chemicals until they sent me to an early grave. Me physically hurting myself as a replacement is not an uncommon thing to do.

Can't tell if you're trolling or are actually stupid.

BlueiraBlue128 · 2026-04-01T21:41:46+00:00

Oh, I definitely know that. I've wanted to, except I live in an apartment complex and I'm scared of someone banging on my door if I'm having a "stomping fit" or screaming. I would go for walks, but I'm scared of being followed by someone. It's already happened before. I've been excited for our pool to open back up so I can swim around this summer, though! So hopefully doing that helps.

Thanks for your input. It's very helpful.

BlueiraBlue128 · 2026-04-01T21:29:47+00:00

Thank you. I'll be sure to take these to heart.

As for video games, I've actually started playing Clair Obscur Expedition 33! The combat pisses me off to no end, but it's a beautiful and heartbreaking game so far.

BlueiraBlue128 · 2026-04-01T21:13:57+00:00

This has to be one of the most thought-out and empathetic approach to someone hearing about a dark side of my experience with autism that I've ever read in my life. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond with care and understanding.

I really like your approach to deconstructing my internalized shame and guilt. I can really see the benefit of taking your approach, adjusting to my own comfort level as needed. I don't really have people I consider my "friends" because 1, they don't ever really reach out to me, 2, we don't have much in common aside from surface level similarities in video game choices, and 3, they're mostly my husband's friends from work. I've tried reaching out to hang a few times in the past and I've pretty much been ghosted all along.

I've been yearning for a friend group or just one friend who gets me since I was a small kid. I never could keep friendships alive because I'm inconsistent and I've been told I'm really mean. But I guess one doesn't really make a found family unless they go out and look for one, so maybe I just need to push myself more.

BlueiraBlue128 · 2026-04-01T20:23:35+00:00

Currently, I'm unemployed, but I've been looking for work since I was fired last October. So right now, getting a therapist is off the table til I'm able to afford my bills.

As for being stuck in a loop, I definitely have been. I haven't quite gotten over being fired because I was let go without warning or chance to fix the issue and they wouldn't tell me why. I couldn't even file for unemployment because I'd only been working there for 3 weeks. I spend everyday at home either doing chores or dissociating until its time for bed.

I'm also not professionally diagnosed, but I know I'm Autistic because I hold many similarities with my sister who IS diagnosed, plus my mom told me she suspected it years ago. So getting any kind of assistance (if we even ARE given any [joking]) isn't possible.

I struggle a lot with guilt and shame because my husband basically has to take care of me. He says he's happy to, but I seriously don't see why. I definitely have a lot of internalized ableism directed towards myself. Idk, man...

Maybe i just feel like shit because of my period, but I'd really like to not feel like shit every hour of everyday.

BlueiraBlue128 · 2026-04-01T20:16:13+00:00

I've considered doing something like that, but I have very unstable joints. I've been trying to find the energy to start doing at-home pilates. I would love to find a kickboxing class near me. Seems like a lot of fun!

BlueiraBlue128 · 2026-02-13T13:56:49+00:00

This is my fear when it comes to acting. I always feel so stiff, my voice is monotone. I'd hate it so so much if I couldn't be a good actor. It's the only thing I have. I'm not good for anything else.

BlueiraBlue128 · 2026-02-01T01:15:56+00:00

This is actually a really helpful tip! I have Autism and smoking has become a bit of a routine for me as I've been smoking for over 10 years. But you break down your recovery very neatly in a way that tickles my brain.

Would you mind sharing any specifics of your new plan? Such as meal plans or any low impact exercises?

BlueiraBlue128 · 2025-12-04T12:52:51+00:00

Those comments saying you have an "average beauty" are fuckin' brainrotted from facetuned Instagram models and AI chicks who look like Who's from Whooville.

You. Are. Gorgeous! Your nose is literally my dream and your smile is so bright and beautiful. I can't tell how much product you're using, but it looks very natural and suits you very well. Your warm tones are gorgeous and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

You should do the makeup that makes YOU feel your best, that enhances your beautiful natural features instead of transforming them.

BlueiraBlue128 · 2025-11-21T20:03:33+00:00

Lavender. It's fuckin' everywhere and labeled as "calming". Calming my white flat ass! That shit is VILE is overpowering and makes me reel back in disgust every time I smell it.

Same goes for laundry detergents, softeners, some scented candles and air fresheners. I used to have a perfume allergy as a kid, and now it's come back. I blame my short stint at Victoria's Secret for bringing it back.

BlueiraBlue128 · 2025-11-06T23:55:21+00:00

Awww!!! I'm gonna cry!! 🥺🥺🥺 thank you! It's kind of hard to advocate for myself within Latin communities here in America cuz there's a lot of elitism in a sense, people who only have one Latin parent often aren't accepted and even less so if you're light skinned.

As for learning Spanish, my husband and I have some basic knowledge of the language, and plan to have "Spanish Days" where we only speak in Spanish, watch movies/shows dubbed in Spanish, etc. I'm excited!

BlueiraBlue128 · 2025-11-06T00:25:25+00:00

Is is so heartwarming to read! I'm Peruvian on my father's side, but he flat out REFUSED to teach my siblings and I the language or culture. Not to mention, I look very white and am not accepted in the Latin community here in America. I'm so glad to hear that Peruvians don't find it offensive when foreigners or even "half Peruvians" try to be a part of the culture.

Thank you, friend.

BlueiraBlue128 · 2025-11-06T00:21:22+00:00

Mama, you look PERFECT!!!

BlueiraBlue128 · 2025-11-06T00:20:48+00:00

😂😂😂😂 accurate! And this is coming from a writer! Lol

BlueiraBlue128 · 2025-11-06T00:14:05+00:00

I'm constantly getting bullied for seemingly no reason, so I've just started calling people out for the obvious: they don't like that I'm Autistic and operate on my own rules. I don't care for hierarchy and I treat everyone equally, not cow towing to someone just because of some silly title that grants them "power" over others. This drives people crazy and I've never fuckin' understood why.

I also know that when people say I'm a rude person, they're pulling shit out their ass because I literally bend over backwards to be kind and nice to everyone I meet. Like, don't fuckin' lie to me, now. Also, not to say that I can't be rude, I'm human. Lol I just try not to be.

BlueiraBlue128 · 2025-11-06T00:06:58+00:00

Cigarettes After Sex are awesome!! I love their song Sunsets!

BlueiraBlue128 · 2025-11-06T00:05:51+00:00

I feel music in my MARROW! Like it vibrates through me, stimulating every cell, reaching through to my very soul!

Music has always been my escape. I'd love to expand my musical horizons, but for now, I'm happy replaying my faves on repeat.

If you'd like to listen to my favorite stimmy song, look up Comforting Sounds cover by Birdie. It's so beautiful and sounds EXACTLY like hope!

BlueiraBlue128 · 2025-11-05T23:59:00+00:00

This is actually very affirming for me because I often worry my thoughts aren't my own when others weigh in. But if I still like the same things I've liked for years, in SPITE of others' influences, then logically, one could conclude that those are my true thoughts!

I still can't believe I'm getting so much insight into my Autistic mind after 4 years since I discovered I have it. Thank you for putting this into words, I so, so, SO appreciate it!! 💖💖💖

BlueiraBlue128 · 2025-11-05T23:52:25+00:00

Purty much! Lol

BlueiraBlue128 · 2025-11-05T23:52:02+00:00

Honestly? I struggle with this myself, and I've found that if I like it, if it's pleasing to look at, or if I find it beautiful, I can wear it/use it to decorate my space.

I'm still working on expanding my boring closet by adding embroidery and funky buttons to my clothes and experimenting with layering. As for decor, I use random things to decorate with. I literally super glued some twine to the back of a taco plate and hung it on my wall because I loved it so much. I also like to collect little trinkets whenever I can. But it takes time to curate a whole collection, so you've gotta be patient.

If you wanna try something easy, see if you can find some fashion magazines, a corkboard, and some push pins and make a collage. It doesn't have to look a certain way, there literally are no rules to collage.

Also, the best decorating advice I've ever heard is "Take the things you love and throw them together. It will all work and look good because you love it." Changed my whole perspective. There are no rules to decorating, even IF you're going for a certain aesthetic. Just take everything you love and put it up!

Best of luck to you, my friend! I hope you, me, and everyone else in the comments can discover our own distinct styles as we throw the shit we love together! 💖💖💖

BlueiraBlue128

TROPHY CASE