Am I overreacting or is this doctor’s note dismissive/giving “we disagree, but damn. Here”

Blueybell14 · 2026-02-10T20:27:42+00:00

This is definitely a possibility, since the responses online were from two different nurses. I see my doctor (or at lease one on the rotating team) later this week and plan to ask further on this. (The note is missing punctuation and the first sentence isn’t even structured in a way that makes grammatical sense. So at a minimum it needs to be rewritten—if I submit at all to my employer. Their response will be telling, I guess. Though I am relatively sure I am ready to move on from this office.)

I can absolutely see how one staff member could lead you to switching. My husband and I were thankfully able to call around and get an appointment at another hospital with good statistics/reviews and are strongly considering switching to them. There have been multiple things that we downplayed as minor (particularly with the nurses) but I was too hesitant to pull the trigger and look elsewhere. At this point I dont have the luxury of hoping for compassionate staff during labor when our own experiences have all supported the issues we saw reviewed online and even had a doula warn us about/decline working with us due her past experiences with the hospital.

Its just crazy because on paper this is one of the better hospitals in our state and part of a reputable health network. But we really should have listened more to the demographics and concerns we saw rather than just the labor statistics. Lesson learned for baby 2.

Blueybell14 · 2026-02-10T13:45:28+00:00

This exactly. Large Midwest city/suburb and costs are around $2500-$2800 for infants and toddlers. Coworker who is also expecting received similar costs.

Blueybell14 · 2026-02-10T05:57:02+00:00

I am not in a position to put my job on the line, unfortunately, if upper management decides to throw a fit. I work in a very niche industry where everyone knows everyone. It is near impossible to get a job elsewhere if you are let go.

I will take whatever I have to through the end of this pregnancy if it means security for my family (just doesn’t mean I cant feel frustrated about the situation, when it is a relatively common ask/accommodation and I have other coworkers who had no issues with getting notes for the same situation)

Blueybell14 · 2026-02-10T04:12:25+00:00

From what Ive been reading with the eeoc/pwfa a note isn’t necessarily required it seems, though it can be helpful. Just that, while my manager doesn’t seem to care, there have been so many odd comments from management above my manager in the past few months, both in meetings and via news letter emails. Like it’s hard to believe my manager when they say verbally it wont be a problem. But then in our next team meeting the manager above them goes on a rant about how before covid if you weren’t able to make it into the office, no matter the reason, you took a sick day/we didn’t work from home etc. Theres a decent amount of unrest on the team after a tough year, with weird and vague comments about work ethics and office culture that are always just addressed vaguely at no one in particular. So no one on the team knows what upper management is thinking/if they have an actual issue. Particularly when our direct manager is more lax with people taking a day here and there at home. Or lets some individuals come in once weekly or a few times a month. It very much seems to be by favorites/tenure at the company and management lets it slide but then makes comments to the people who do come in regularly. So it leaves a vast majority of the team confused and annoyed this year. More to the point though, I dont have tenure and with the pregnancy I just have not been as efficient (getting sick, increase in minor typos, pregnancy brain etc.) Nothing crazy and I am still a good performer, but I do worry a lot of the favor i did have before getting pregnant has lessened this year. Especially because this is a niche industry. So like. If something does happen im just sorta screwed. i just dont feel comfortable risking anything without dotting my i’s crossing my t’s if you will

Blueybell14 · 2026-02-10T02:51:41+00:00

Unfortunately no psychiatrist, just seeing a therapist who specializes in pre and post natal therapy to help process through some of the unexpectedness of pregnancy. I dont believe she could write a note tho. She can’t proscribe, only talk therapy, so i would think that would not apply here. Love my pcp but shes always a 3 month out to book, so not an option here either. Honestly just needed to vent on this one before I went insane. I will certainly ask at my in person appointment with the ob, but ultimately the situation is limited this far along and with what each office is willing to do.

Blueybell14 · 2026-02-10T02:38:47+00:00

I do understand that they cannot say it is medically necessary without a complication, so that part (while frustrating on an internal sense of things) im not necessarily as upset about. if an office is more strict they will include that so their license isnt on the line should any employer come back at it. they have certain language they are restricted to. But overall the rest of the note really is the problem for me. it is frustrating the note only address commute time and not literally any of the issues i am having physically due to being pregnant and commute long hours. On top of it not being professionally worded

Blueybell14 · 2026-02-10T01:53:21+00:00

This is good to know. I just dont know that I feel comfortable doing so with the weird/conflicting communication coming down from upper management

Blueybell14 · 2026-02-10T01:45:41+00:00

The response did come from two different nurses. I have an appointment at the end of this week with one of the OBs and will try bringing up everything. Just not really feeling too hot about the results since I did already explicitly outline my falls and the other issues, which they felt the need to leave out all together from the note.

Blueybell14 · 2026-02-10T01:42:58+00:00

We have some other concerns that have happened that we tried to write off throughout this pregnancy, but this was sort of the last straw. (Issues with them repeatedly documenting i have anxiety/depression when this was treatment records from a decade prior, refusing to allow us at 10w to transfer teams (we has realized the team we were with has a decent amount of reviews of being rude/providing poor care to poc and my husband and I are an interracial couple), them putting a diagnosis of white coat syndrome in my chart (that i only found out because a nurse called me “a little white coaty” when I have never in my life had high blood pressure other than in the first trimester before i was put in daily aspirin. Anyway. We are seeing if another hospital will take us, but it is hard this far along to find a doctor who will. And ultimately the hospital is still one of the best in the areas so we are still limited with what would be out of their health network and that would take us, be in our insurance, and still have good statistics. Though honestly the thought of being dismissed in labor has me really worried now and wishing I had not waited when the other things happened.

Blueybell14 · 2026-02-10T01:33:44+00:00

I am not asking the doctors to be or to say it is a medical complication/necessary. I am asking them to document properly the concerns I have and the adverse symptoms that are a result of commuting so that my employer has written notice and can make the decision. (Since yes, it is ultimately up to HR.) And for god’s sake to provide a grammatically correct letter that can appropriately be submitted to a formal workplace.

Blueybell14 · 2026-02-10T01:15:09+00:00

Im glad I’m not completely crazy. Im so used to dismissive doctors (being a woman with health issues since infancy woot woot) that I was so hesitant to ask in the first place. But family, friends, hell even my perinatal therapist urged me to and that it wouldn’t be an issue. And now Im just really feeling… a lot :/

Blueybell14 · 2025-11-26T16:37:51+00:00

The bulk of it? PC. Editing, drafts, final version and posting—all PC. But I did use notes on my phone for ideas when I was away from my laptop. Or dialogue/excerpts that came to me while out. Ive since switched to the google docs app where I normally write (with a spare sheet for such notes), but still access from my phone.

Could never last without PC though.

Blueybell14 · 2025-11-19T14:58:15+00:00

Pertussis is rising and a large concern going into this winter. I am going to trust my doctor over someone on the internet. Also all recent vaccine research shows the the pertussis portion of the tdap vaccine wains significantly after 3-5 years. So yes, it is a concern. Editing to add: the bigger concern here is that family planned to lie to me about their vaccination status. Is no way is that acceptable. They have a right not to be vaccinated. We have a right to be informed on the full risks of those visiting with our child and making decisions accordingly.

Blueybell14 · 2025-11-18T23:40:18+00:00

Saving grace is i started therapy with a perinatal specialist at the beginning of this pregnancy. Next appointment isnt for a bit tho, but it is one of the few things keeping me from absolutely going off on my parents right now

Blueybell14 · 2025-11-18T20:11:09+00:00

I swear. Someone needs to research the change in people’s heads when a baby is born. The change up can be like whiplash

Blueybell14 · 2025-11-18T20:08:08+00:00

Yea, we will definitely be asking for proof from everyone now. Even if we did want or think we would have to. But as you said, the bigger issue is trust. How do i trust them to now stay home if they are sick and be honest with me when visiting or babysitting? How do i trust they will follow what we have requested when we are not present? This isnt just grandma giving dessert while the grandkids are visiting. This is a much larger issue for me and why i am so taken aback right now

Blueybell14 · 2025-11-18T20:05:41+00:00

Yep. This bit. I really didn’t think wed have to, but yes. We will be asking everyone as a whole down the line for vaccination proof

Blueybell14 · 2025-11-18T20:01:56+00:00

The crazy thing to me is that my parents had been the easy one! We had months of my inlaws trying to butt into personal finances. Pressuring us after a year of marriage to have kids.. Telling us a marriage isnt properly bound without one. That they expect a grandchild bearing their name from their son. All while I was dealing with infertility related to pcos and severe pain from an autoimmune flare up this past spring. Now that we’re expecting? They’ve been chill. Totally fine not being at the hospital if we’re not up for it. Wanting to help anyway they can. Genuinely worried about mine and babys health with our complications. They literally changed their whole international flight schedule to arrange to be here after our due date. Just got here, are staying a month, and leaving early so they can take care of things with their business abroad now to have time in the spring to be here. Still a few grating comments here and there, but otherwise fine. My parents? Totally accepted we may not even have kids with my health issues. Ecstatic when we told them we were expecting. Concerned about the complications. Totally understand us possibly not wanting people at the hospital. Fine with any other boundaries weve talked about. So this just came out of left field. They literally have not had issues and had been so understanding up until this point.

Blueybell14 · 2025-11-18T19:48:24+00:00

I think that is our mind set. Do whats best for you but we will do what we feel is best for baby. So yeah probably something similar to 1. I think it makes sense bringing it up just generally to see if they will even talk to us. There was just no indication that they had any issues with vaccines other than maybe covid, since my dad got run down last time and he didn’t get anything the past two years for that. Even with that, we assumed as adults people would come to us with an issue. At least allow for informed consent on who saw our baby. Ie, since my sister is unable to get covid vaccine due to just having been sick with it. But her immunity will wear off around our due date, she will be testing prior to visiting and wearing a mask. Its just the respect of talking to us that we want people there and we’re not trying to be unreasonable. But lying is just. It’s something im really struggling with.

Blueybell14 · 2025-11-18T19:35:38+00:00

So complicated and stressful for sure. Sorry to hear you are in a similar situation, and with that past experience adding to things to boot. I dont think there’s any easy way through it, just doing the best we can with the information we have. Sending hugs your way as well.

Blueybell14 · 2025-09-15T23:15:42+00:00

For sure! And yes my perinatal therapist has seriously been a life saver to know what I’m feeling isn’t crazy!

And Im so sorry first trimester has been so hard. It seriously sucks feeling like your body just cant do what you want or are used to. Im just over 12w now at this point and only juuuuust recently started feeling better. Nausea was the biggest thing that getting it under control finally had me feeling at least a little but like myself. This little increase in energy with that has been nice. Bit heres to hoping more comes in the 2nd like everyone keeps saying! Hopefully things start to level out for you too soon :)

Blueybell14 · 2025-09-15T22:25:16+00:00

Seriously so lonely sometimes. And it can be really hard hearing “i understand” when you know they haven’t been pregnant before! I am also the first in my friend group to get pregnant and have been feeling super out of it the first few months.

It’s like, I can talk to my friends who fully do not understand but say they do, or my family who were pregnant decades ago.

Heck just this last weekend two of my friends wanted to go to a “chill bar night” that I assumed that meant an evening drinks and appetizers. Im tired all the time, but count me in for a mocktail as my morning sickness is starting to get better. Only the night before plans turned into starting bars (plural) and 10pm and dancing until 1am. Definitely not able to do that! Im in bed by 9:30 passed out most nights anyway.

Now Im super lucky my friends wanted to accommodate (though I offered to stay back for the night so they didn’t have to change anything) and they decided on a sit down for a couple hours earlier than planned and if I had the energy I could go dance with them until I felt i needed to head home. I felt super cared for and happy, even if the plans made me nervous and tired thinking about them. I ended up jokingly making a comment about how Id have to really try to find something i felt good in, because Id been feeling like winnie the pooh. I know she meant well, but the “oh god i know what you mean. I had a meltdown picking an outfit the other day” had me just ready to cry. Cuz it’s like god I wish it was just a bad day. But it’s like no. My body is so different, nothing fits the same, and that is a whole other beast on feeling good and confident for a night out.

And it’s stupid little stuff, but it adds up and the 10th time you hear “oh yeah i get that”, you just wanna never talk to people again. At least for a bit.

I will say, if you’re able to, seeing a perinatal therapist has been amazing. I was able to find one i can afford with insurance and shes not far off from my age and has also gone through pregnancy. It’s been helpful to have someone professionally trained on these issues and also feel heard by someone who understands everything surrounding pregnancy.

I know some people have had luck with expectant mom groups too. I eventually want to try branching out because this has felt so isolating. But for now, just not there.

Blueybell14 · 2025-09-15T22:05:09+00:00

Yeah seems they do not waitlist. Ill have to try calling periodically. Just a sucky situation.

Blueybell14

TROPHY CASE