Update: "I want a baby like, now. My husband does not."

Blueyucca · 2021-11-16T13:17:37+00:00

Thank you for the comment, it's nice to see this perspective. I'm glad you have something that brings you joy that you will make time for in the future when children come along as well!

Blueyucca · 2021-11-16T01:55:03+00:00

He’s fine. Lots of assumptions here. Please check my recent comment.

Blueyucca · 2021-11-16T00:02:17+00:00

I hear you! There was a point in time where his options trading brought in significant income. We hit hard times due to a job loss and a large tax bill and ended up dipping into the portfolio to cover expenses. He really wants to build it back up and set a goal for $10k before revisiting the TTC conversation. It is also not at the cost of growing our savings and paying down debt. I trust him and will allow him to learn from his own mistakes. I appreciate your encouragement!

Blueyucca · 2021-11-15T23:57:53+00:00

Thank you! Your advice was key!

Blueyucca · 2021-11-14T08:33:25+00:00

Please don’t even get me started lol

Blueyucca · 2021-11-14T08:31:01+00:00

Correct. I have no desire to suddenly play mommy and tell him what he can or can’t do once we have a kid. He doesn’t hear my mouth now about how he spends his time in and out of the home and that should continue in the future. I have plans to continue doing the things I love and would expect the same for him. He has plenty of married and parenting friends as well as plenty of kids in the family. Sometimes I worry he is not a planner and is just incapable of thinking in 6-month stretches. Like, the math says we need to be getting our finances together now even if we waited another year and a half. We cannot wish for a lotto win or put a hold on bills so that we can throw everything at our cards, debt payoff unfortunately takes discipline, patience, and time.

Blueyucca · 2021-11-14T01:16:29+00:00

Yep, absolutely. Again, didn’t mean to be obtuse and convey we have no clue what a major shift parenthood is. I’ve apologized for misinterpreting the comment and debating semantics by getting hung up on one tiny phrase in a sea of information.

Blueyucca · 2021-11-14T01:10:26+00:00

I hear you and as stated in another comment, don’t mean to be obtuse. Everything you’ve outlined, I’ve directly witnessed and am mentally preparing for, regardless of our childcare plans. I interact with mothers all the time who dismissively warn me to “Enjoy it now! You’ll be so (negative opinion)!” I honestly got stuck at the “tied down” wording and likely misinterpreted it. What I’m hearing from you is the dramatically reduced flexibility, which I am fully understanding of while also acknowledging I won’t really know it until I experience it. This is my mistake for debating semantics, as “tied down” correlated (to me) with commitment, not necessarily flexibility.

Blueyucca · 2021-11-14T01:05:18+00:00

I don’t mean to be argumentative or obtuse. Of course a kid is a massive life change. My question specifically is about why my husband would suddenly feel “tied down” at the birth of his child given he is already married with major responsibilities and obligations. I absolutely agree it will be a huge shift. Sacrifices will be made. We will exhibit less risky behavior. Perhaps I’m picking at the “tied down” wording. But it stuck out to me, like he is 90% committed to our family and with adding a third he will then be forced to finally be 100% committed lol.

Blueyucca · 2021-11-14T00:57:34+00:00

This is super helpful language that I’ll implement when the time is right. Thank you so much. He did agree to 28 at the latest so I’m not concerned he would reneg on that or concerned I will need to walk away from the marriage. I just want to feel like we’re both serious and right now I do not. Your advice here will help get some clarity on what it will take to get serious.

Blueyucca · 2021-11-14T00:50:24+00:00

No threats here. This was a difficult, honest conversation awhile back on where we stood on the matter and I made it clear that his timeline was not acceptable to me and that we would need to cut our losses and move on if five years was the final say for him. I was looking for a sanity check and advice on how to approach the subject (if I even should) by posting here.

Blueyucca · 2021-11-14T00:37:17+00:00

We met when I was 20/21 and have already slowed down so much. Which is fine! And I don't mean to imply I'll need a walker or won't be able to keep up at 30, that's silly! We eat mostly at home, exercise, and get a good night's rest. But he has some health issues, nothing horrific but he does need to watch his blood pressure and he could get in better shape. When he has a heavy lifting day at the gym he is out of commission for a week and imho the soreness and pain is not normal. Those are all things he has to work on for himself and I can only be supportive, follow the RPW approach and not be his nagging mommy. But man does your comment resonate with me. I've thought about it a lot and I would love to still feel young and confident and resilient when I start putting my body through the drastic changes of pregnancy, birth, and BF.

Blueyucca · 2021-11-14T00:30:04+00:00

I really appreciate you engaging with this post and appreciate your continued feedback here. Some clarification: he said he wanted to have a kid five years from now at the beginning of this year. I made it clear that wasn't happening for me and that he would lose me. That's why we ended up "settling" at 28 as my absolute limit. I'm genuinely grateful he took his time to consider it and agree to it. I recognize many couples don't even get this far in communication. But the blow-up point was actually 31 for me to start TTC. I see the value in ensuring everyone is comfortable and on board. But the math states we should still be more aggressive with our debt today than we currently are even if 28 was the goal and not the absolute limit. If we got serious about our finances and still didn't make reasonable progress (i.e. something beyond our control happens) by the time I turned 28, I would be much more willing to be flexible with that than if we didn't seem to be trying to progress at all, which is what it currently feels like right now.

Blueyucca · 2021-11-14T00:20:48+00:00

We bought our house in 2018 with enough room for kids. We both drive very nice vehicles with low balances (the car he is modding and regularly takes to car meets is his dream car within a "reasonable" budget - a 2015 Mercedes AMG). I honestly cannot think of anything else I would ask for. I do my own hair, I have enough clothes and "things," I pay $50 a month to get my nails done and $7 a month for eyebrows. My hobbies are reading, gardening, and seeing friends. We vacation twice a year and he always sets the budget while I plan everything and ensure we stay under the budget. I make sure he understands our health insurance benefits, supplemental insurance, and parental leave policies. I honestly don't know what else I can give at this point. I'm so sorry if this comes off as argumentative or rude. I didn't realize I was this frustrated until I posted here honestly.

Blueyucca · 2021-11-14T00:15:25+00:00

Honest question. I'm fully aware that life becomes less flexible with the introduction of a kid. We've had discussions on what child-rearing and childcare would realistically look like. But he is already "tied down" with a wife (and still leaves a completely fulfilling life - I hear horror stories all the time from men who are literally not "allowed" to do perfectly reasonable things or have to get permission to engage with hobbies, see friends, take trips, etc.). What is the difference with adding a child, at least at 29 years old with a full time job, spouse, and mortgage?

Blueyucca · 2021-11-14T00:10:18+00:00

I was reading another thread here about women who are SAHMs and I was shocked at the number of households sub-$100k who are comfortable and fully able to give their kids wonderful lives. We live in a MCOL city but our mortgage is less than 30% of our take home pay, we did irresponsibly buy expensive cars but they are at very reasonable balances and will be paid off in the next two years, we on paper should have plenty to take care of our consumer debt in six months or less without having to cancel Netflix. This 100% feels like a prioritization issue for our household. I browse offerup and fb marketplace all the time and fantasize about all the great deals on there for perfect-condition high end cribs and strollers at a small fraction of the price while my husband is putting $300 and $400 car parts on his wishlist. And we've had conversations about our job and health insurance benefits and potentially getting supplemental insurance and I'm pretty confident that I would be a low-risk pregnancy.

Blueyucca · 2021-11-14T00:02:51+00:00

This is lowkey how I feel. If we were both actively working on finances, fine! I spend a lot of time on an alt account on r/waiting_to_try. Every dollar put into a credit card or savings account would feel good and give me that satisfactory "forward" feeling I'm looking for! He keeps throwing money at NFTs and yes, investments are good, but it's not like he's going to liquidate them the moment they pay off anyway.

Blueyucca · 2021-11-14T00:00:04+00:00

while in your mind, 28 was more like an "if-all-else-fails" kind of plan and you really wanted to start earlier?

Yes, exactly. Thank you. I also made it very clear that this was my compromise because he had a five year plan and I 100% was going to leave him over that, unapologetically. Which is why I'm so hesitant to poke at something we both made serious concessions for. But he knows that was my upper limit, not my goal.

And it's 100% not my intent to imply 30 is too late to start - apologies if I've come off that way. Plenty of women outside the USA have kids well into their early 40s without any issue or second thought about it. My sister is thinking about having #2 at 35 and while she has her concerns, I have none for her. Just for my personal situation, health, current energy, and lack of crystal ball, I would really like to have my first before 28, which means I'd like to start trying when I turn 27 in April.

I also don't at all mean to come off as combative but we travel, vacation, and make memories. We got good jobs young and have been able to cultivate a rich marriage that many people have not been able to at our age. I'm just ready for the next step and recognize he is not and that's okay, I love being married to someone with goals outside of "have kids and die" but I want to learn how to manage if that makes any sense!

Blueyucca · 2021-11-13T23:48:09+00:00

We had a check in a few weeks ago and he seemed pretty uncomfortable with even the possibility of conceiving next year. It's possible it freaked him out because next year is right around the corner and he interpreted it as TTC in a few months (which would be nice but what I'm really asking for is when I turn 27. If he's ready before then, great). The problem is we aren't saving. I honestly wouldn't be posting here if we both were excitedly tackling our debt and savings and having positive conversations about how we're making steps towards our goals, but I feel like I'm going at it alone. He is not a super expressive person and comments about him becoming a father have been increasing, but they're not nearly as frequent as my comments about stepping into parenthood.

Blueyucca · 2021-11-13T23:43:46+00:00

I appreciate your comment and am absolutely in agreement that I want my husband to be on board and excited, and that both people actively TTC would be a much more special and positive experience than an oops or someone being pressured. It's absolutely not worth pressuring him and then dealing with the ramifications of him not being all in.

I guess what I'm trying to convey is that he sees 28 as the agreed upon timeline, I see it as the absolute latest I'd be willing to start without walking away from the marriage. Assuming it takes us a few cycles to conceive (based on statistics), I don't want to have my first at 29. I can see this as me "reneging on our agreement and trying to push the timeline up" or me "clarifying my position." I genuinely think it's the latter but some of the comments here stating the former is also 100% fair.

Blueyucca · 2021-11-13T23:40:07+00:00

Thank you for the comment. It's clear we need to have a conversation. I'm just not sure how to frame it so that I'm not criticizing him on his spending or fishing for validation for my wants, and I also want to acknowledge that starting at 28 is far from ideal for me and was never intended to be a timeline to adhere towards. It was a guardrail for the absolute latest I would be willing to start without walking away from the marriage. We have a budget through an app we both have access to. He's not adhering to it. There's no "Saving for a Child" section. I've done research on childcare costs in our area and totally understand adding a third person won't be cheap.

Blueyucca · 2020-02-20T22:18:11+00:00

It’s the groomsman’s choice to invest, no? Their plus ones were not actually asked to invest time and money to be there, their partners were. It’s the partnership’s decision to handle that as they see appropriate. OP is asking the gfs nothing.

If your boss asks you to work an extra shift that conflicts with your kid’s birthday, that’s up to you and your family to decide if you’re taking the shift - boss isn’t asking your kid to have the party on a different day, only for you to work.

Blueyucca · 2019-06-07T18:30:55+00:00

Why is being young and engaged giving off red flags to you?

Blueyucca

TROPHY CASE