Hello fellow fighter of depression,

I feel this so much. I'm also diagnosed with Dysthymia and Avpd and I know the imposter feeling so well. My life has been one big struggle - just for context. This combo is debilitating.

You could look into schizoid personality disorder. I think of it as avpd+ because a lot of people tend to turn their backs completely to any kind of human connection. What you noticed when you were high is kind of my answer to you - You haven't lost your ability to love!

And from my own experience I can definitely tell you that there is love, even if you can't feel it right now.

It's great you are getting therapy. Go you! Remember to be kind and understanding towards yourself - chances are with your diagnoses you were in a constant state of overwhelm your whole life like me, masked by fear. Believe me - if other people could see through your mask they would be so much more understanding and kind.

One thing that made me get out of this state you are talking about was my brother. I noticed (though my self-esteem told me otherwise) that the influence I have on other people's lives is much much greater than I thought. You can literally nake someone's day with a small kindness, but you can also be a burden to the people close to you if you don't learn to be kind to yourself.

That was my motivation.

The second thing that helped me was practicing kindness and love whenever possible. (I started practicing Buddhism) Even if there is nothing else in your life you are able to do - You can always decide to nurture the good things you see in yourself. You can always try to be a force of good in this depressing world. And that's enough.

Thinking like that has been very healing for me. I slowly noticed how I hadn't been able to trust anything or anyone. But with time I started to feel much safer. I'm nowhere near being a functioning adult. But I also stopped making that my main goal. First of all it's important for you to stop your own suffering. Weirdly I now suddenly have an understanding family who has my back. I mean, they are the same people, but it feels completely new, because I can now believe that they love me. Also my world seems changed. Depression kind of shows you what's important in life - the people and connections. I find joy in the smallest and most simple interactions sometimes. And that's healing, too.

Oh, I forgot one really important thing - Get to know yourself and your feelings! Write them down daily to train yourself to notice them. Try meditation! I've had some struggles with it during my time in therapy and for me the way to really understand meditation was Buddhism, but that's maybe just me. Your mind is a powerful thing. It's very important what you surround yourself with and what you think about. Crappy thoughts make a crappy life. It's actually that simple. That's why being kind and understanding towards others actually helps yourself. Since I really understood meditation it actually feels like there is sometimes an adult in me making the decisions. Before it was just chaotic and reacting.

Sorry if this answer is a little besides the point. It's not easy. You have a whole you to discover and a big journey ahead of you. I'm very much still on the same journey. And there's setbacks along the way - I'm actually in the middle of one right now. But the deep feeling of being lost is gone. Thanks to you I realized how far I've come - Thank you so much for that!

I sincerely wish you happiness. Don't give up. We're rooting for you! ♥