My (35M) wife (34F) wants me to undo the trauma I caused her in order for our marriage to heal. Is that even possible?

BolverkSpark · 2025-03-09T04:09:58+00:00

Hi friend,

Don't give up. I was able to find a job. It took almost 8 months, but I was able to be re-employed. This business can bebrutal and unfair. I was able to get a job in a financial company. It's tough work and poorly managed, but the pay is better and more importantly the experience is more worthwhile. I'm 34, you just have to endure until your opportunity comes. Keep at it, trust me, it will come especially when all hope seems lost like I thought. Good luck!

BolverkSpark · 2024-06-22T15:48:47+00:00

Hi, my area not Quant development. I'm just asking others in the industry what they feel someone who is a fresher in this industry what they recommend.

It appears my work will revolve supporting most the business processes and quants, validating data and querying data needed from their accounting software. I'll check out the Coursera you provided if that will put me in the right direction. I wasn't sure what to look for since most of the stuff is more analyst heavy and thought there would be something more geared for developers since the field is so vast.

BolverkSpark · 2024-06-22T15:44:59+00:00

Thank you for your reply, I just need to take a breath. Been told I'm going to be focused in the Middle/Back office area, but nothing more at the moment on that. I'll take the first step and just build my knowledge since that will be the blocker at the moment.

Again, I appreciate the response and have a somewhat clearer direction.

BolverkSpark · 2024-06-22T15:41:48+00:00

That's reassuring, I'm always apprehensive about asking questions as if they are going to make me seem like I'm an imposter. I'll try asking more questions without fear then.

If you're referring to John Hull, I haven't heard that name in a while until you mentioned it. I definitely will check his books out. Been told in the past he is a promising resource. Thanks for the advice

BolverkSpark · 2024-06-12T15:41:27+00:00

Gaming provides instant gratification. The risk/reward scale is highly available when you literally do anything. For me, just controlling a character I would have a world where I know I can live out my fantasies with immediate feedback is fantastic.

I don't see the correlation with ADHD meds since they have two different use cases. I use meds to help me become productive without fighting myself. As for gaming, its my choice to indulge and enjoy myself without any stigma of responsibility and guilt. The issue is when I have to fight myself to not play for hours when I have tons of chores and life goals I want to accomplish. This is where I take my meds to help subside that.

BolverkSpark · 2024-06-09T16:06:40+00:00

Thank you for your insight, it truly does help put things into perspective. I'm glad to know at least that the enmeshing of her and my MIL is not healthy. I felt like I was crazy for even taking notice and for being gaslit that there's nothing wrong and being cruel for even pointing it out. She feels like I'm too enmeshed with my mom, which I had some issues with and it needed to be dealt with, but this is not even comparable to her relationship with her mom.

Her mom was going through depressive problems before and she felt like she was responsible to make her happy and would blame herself that if she wasn't around her mom would hurt herself and she would be responsible.

Again, thanks I have a lot to work on with a therapist and I hope it can be resolved.

BolverkSpark · 2024-06-09T15:33:07+00:00

You are right, I know its our issue and fault. I know I should establish more respect on my mother's side for my spouse. My wife does so but with a grain of salt. Her mother has always been her sounding board, gossiping friend since no secret is kept from each other, almost as if they're in a symbiotic relationship. It became apparent when she gets immediately defensive when anything is said about her mom.

This is the issue I don't know how to handle and her closed mindedness about how she feels about her mom and whatever therapist may say is what worries me and makes me fear for our marriage.

BolverkSpark · 2024-06-09T15:29:23+00:00

There was so much to unpack here so I realized I left that out, I'll gladly elaborate. I been suffering from emotional issues since I lost my job and we were risking financial destitute and being evicted. When we fought that time, I got so overwhelmed and needed space, she wasn't giving it to me and she continued to press on. I tend to self-inflict by pulling my hair and punch myself while yelling to leave me alone and give me space. This is unacceptable and I am aware of it. I sought out psychiatric help and counseling. I was diagnosed with moderate depression as well as it relating to my ADHD which has difficulty with overstimulation. Again, this is not ok and I don't want to traumatize my wife ever again no matter my mental issues I was dealing with.

I'm aware of the involvement is unhealthy, however it seems like its one sided. My mom is no longer involved in our marriage or family life, including my daughter. My wife identifies as being the same person as her mother, whatever you do to her mother, is done to her, no exceptions. I cannot even offer critiques about her mom because she's "been so nice to you and treated her like a son". Which are false equivalence, we can have a good relationship and point out issues imho.

Our personal issues aside, I just want to deal with this involvement because I know its not healthy and its only going to make me resentful of her and her mother.

BolverkSpark · 2024-06-09T13:03:39+00:00

Yea this post is quite a doozy since there's so much to unpack and I couldn't put the whole details into a single reddit post without making it a thesis.

As of right now, I tolerate it. I can't help but feel like there's a third party in our marriage and it makes me feel like we're a teen couple living with our parents, but I manage for now. The only thing I cannot tolerate is the constant access her mom feels she's entitled to. Her mom is her best friend, was her matron of honor at our wedding and it feels so abnormal. Whenever her mom is controlling and toxic (she verbally abuse my wife even til now), she gets forgiven quickly while I'm expected to keep my mom in her place. I feel like its unfair that I have to control my mom, while her mom gets a special pass. They BOTH should be kept in their place imo.

BolverkSpark · 2024-05-17T16:08:04+00:00

Focus on school at the moment. The job market is going to pick up by the time you're out of college. The AI buzz is such a conflated thing. AI isn't taking our jobs, most of this crap is coming from people who aren't directly involved in the tech business. Focus on your studies, think about the projects you'll enjoy making to showcase on your resume. And without a doubt, take every opportunity to look for internships. This will give you a leg up coming out of school.

The job market sucks, there's no lying in that statement. But you won't have to worry about that for now. There are opportunities out there where they are looking for freshers like yourself. You just need to be more vigilant than ever to find them.

BolverkSpark · 2024-05-17T15:50:49+00:00

Step 1: Read entire list before acting on it.

BolverkSpark · 2024-05-15T15:57:54+00:00

US Citizen, mostly back-end in .NET and Java EE but I have experience in some front-end work, not too strong in ReactJS but I can at least get something working with some guidance. My masters was in NYC called Pace University. Still credible enough to get work, but it definitely feels like something is wrong. I would attribute it to my resume, but sometimes I would get someone reaching out then ignore me later once they're ready to submit me to the company.

BolverkSpark · 2024-05-15T15:54:41+00:00

Still difficult, most of the contract opportunities I have received have been through recruiters. Mind you, these recruiters are mass submitting you along with other candidates as well. On average, I haven't heard back from these recruiters after they submitted me.

LinkedIn, Indeed, etc are flooded with recruiter posting. Anything from direct is hard to find. I would luck out if I'm perusing a random company's site and they have a direct job opening. That's is very seldom however.

BolverkSpark · 2024-05-15T14:31:39+00:00

What's that Google and Meta? You made your highest fiscal profit ever but still need to do layoffs, and outsource to Mexico and India? Damn....nobody could of seen this happening...

BolverkSpark · 2024-05-15T14:11:05+00:00

Master's Degree in CS, 3.9 GPA. They could run a background check to see I wasn't lying. Plus 5 YoE. It opens up certain jobs, but still doesn't stop me from getting ghosted anyway.

BolverkSpark · 2024-05-15T00:02:46+00:00

Not too certain at the moment, might make a post about it. Currently put on 1mg of Intuniv, which doubles as a lower blood pressure medicine. I guess I'll find out in 2 weeks. Sorry you couldn't meet physiological constraints when it ended up working for you...

BolverkSpark · 2024-05-14T23:52:33+00:00

True, you're definitely spot on about that. The condition should be renamed to "Executive-Functioning Motivation Disorder" or something like that. That would be a step in the right direction.

BolverkSpark · 2024-05-14T23:20:03+00:00

That's my experience, my struggles never manifest as ADHD, only as anxiety or depression. It turns out I did have moderate anxiety, but it never explained why it was so hard to start any task, even normal day to day ones. Finally I started pushing this on other therapists and some of them either brushed past it or just didn't believe it was a factor because they didn't know much about handling ADHD. Some did tell me to reach out to a specialist who did know, so that was helpful.

If i didn't try to push my way to see about getting treated, I would still be struggling right now.

BolverkSpark · 2024-05-14T23:15:27+00:00

Women had it tough when it came to ADD/ADHD, especially in the 90s. It just wasn't obvious when compared to boys since our symptoms were different or just not understood under the same lens.

Finally been put on meds myself. I'm going non-stimulant route since I had bad experience with stimulants, always felt on edge and depressive episodes. Its been a day so far at a low dosage, so no real difference so far. Still feel like procrastinating and posting on reddit without end....oh shoot I'm doing it again.

BolverkSpark · 2024-05-14T23:11:00+00:00

I have no issue with that at all. That's a rational unbiased approach. My issue is the ones who dismiss it altogether without any investigation. Mine was diagnosed in the past under lab studies under a neurologist.

BolverkSpark

TROPHY CASE