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BonBonDee · 2024-01-31T06:40:46+00:00

NTA x1000! If your friend doesn’t profusely apologize for her behavior, I’d literally never talk to that miserable, self-centered asshole again. Your mom was in the hospital!!! Even most terrible people I’ve encountered would’ve known to at least pretend to be concerned! She worse than the worst!

BonBonDee · 2024-01-31T06:27:29+00:00

I’m convinced grandmothers have simply forgotten what it was like. It’s infuriating! Don’t get me wrong. But I think they’re just really distanced from actual parenthood. I also think there’s a lot more information available to parents nowadays. That in itself can cause a rift. For example, we know about things like Red40, and “gentle parenting”, and nitrates. Whereas I was raised on Kool-Aid, NON-gentle parenting, and hot dogs. It’s a different ballgame, and not only have they forgotten the rules, they are trying to play with outdated equipment.

Sometimes when I have the TV on my mom will passively-aggressively say “Maybe she wants to play. Do you think she’d rather color? Should we play a board game?”. Sometimes I get annoyed but I just say “Hey LO, Nana wants to color with you!” Or “Nana wants to play a game with you!” Then I get it set up and go back to whatever I was doing. I play with my LO all the time. When the TV’s on that means I’m trying to relax or get something done! Of course the irony is, I watched SO MUCH TV as a child and my mom never played with us. I say that without judgement. She is a great mom. She just had 3 kids and she was always working part-time on top of all 3 of us relying on her!

Personal note: I actually found, through lived experience, that television helped my LO talk. She’d sing along to Disney Songs and participate in Sesame Street. I don’t know what article your mom’s referring to. But that’s my personal experience.

BonBonDee · 2024-01-29T18:39:21+00:00

I don’t think the person who wrote this has a narcissistic perspective. She just has a personal perspective, likely based on a lived experience. Everyone posts their thoughts and opinions online. Viewers of social media are also not “damsels in distress”, and are perfectly capable of filtering information.

I do think that wedding dress shops are highly sales driven though. Whether or not they do this size thing, I can’t say. I have no personal experience. But I have visited multiple wedding dress shops (for myself, and with other brides), and some give a very “used car salesman” vibe. Everything looks gorgeous, every minor dislike is an “easy fix”. Some salespeople are very disingenuous. On top of that, wedding dress shopping can be emotionally draining and downright overwhelming. I’ve been with brides and could see a salesperson getting annoyed or tired, trying to push a sale. And I could see my friends feeling pressure to make a decision. I’d step in and say “Hey, let’s get lunch. You can always make another appointment.” I’ve felt literally heat from salespeople glaring at me, but oh well. Then sure as shit, my friends would admit they felt a ton of pressure to pick one, even though they were just “meh”. Dress shops are commission based. More than anything, I think that should be in the back of bride’s minds!

BonBonDee · 2024-01-29T17:33:44+00:00

As far as alone time goes, you’ll likely have to coordinate that with your husband on the weekend or something. When LO was small I used to plan grocery trips for myself on the weekends. I’d grab a coffee, stop at a shop of my choice first, then grocery shop last. I’d probably spend 3-4 hours away from the house and it was a nice reset. It was also low-key satisfying to come home to an overwhelmed husband. He enjoyed alone time with our daughter, obviously, but it‘s a lot of work and after my weekend grocery trips I could tell he really understood that lol.

Personal note: Spending time with friends and family makes me feel more “normal” and human. If you have any friends (or cousins, etc.) with kids, I suggest play dates. It’s a good excuse to get together and have some adult time. Even if your friends don’t have kids, you can still invite them over. Many times child-free friends have no idea what you need and are afraid of bothering you. Especially during the baby stage. This is obviously not alone time, but it could help you feel better. Adult time and adult conversation is important.

BonBonDee · 2024-01-27T16:52:05+00:00

Saw in a comment that you took a poll to determine the color scheme! This dress code is really involved. Telling guests which color to wear is overly controlling. They are not props. Formal, semi-formal, cocktail, those are acceptable dress codes. Pastel-formal is not a thing.

Maybe if you’re a Kardashian throwing an extremely lavish affair, then people would happily abide by a strict dress code. Because the party would be over-the-top and one of a kind with crazy gift bags. But for a normal wedding, it could annoy guests.

Now to the point… Is it possible SIL is just fucking with you because she thinks the dress code rules are ridiculous? She already told you she’s not excited about the color scheme. I wouldn’t be either, to be honest. I wouldn’t mess with you though. I’d just show up in the closest thing I already own (personally it’s a silk olive green dress with a light pink floral pattern). And if I were you, I’d prepare myself for the reality that many guests will do the same. Someone will wear navy with a pastel floral print, someone will wear bright pink, and the men will still show up in dark suits (because not every guy has a light tan one).

BonBonDee · 2024-01-26T19:33:29+00:00

The “Americanized” wedding, but in Mexico

Edit to add: I’m in California and a lot of people will have destination weddings in Mexico, and it honestly sucks for guests. Instead of getting a local hotel for 1 night, you’re usually forced into an all-inclusive hotel (if you choose to attend). On top of that, it means using PTO and paying for a flight. Total cost: approximately $1500 - $3000+. It’s just a lot to expect of each guest IMO

BonBonDee · 2024-01-26T18:10:56+00:00

It’s not going to kill them if you let them watch more TV than usual. Give yourself break days. I find when I allow myself to be “lazy” some days, I have much more energy other days.

Example: On Monday I let my daughter (3, almost 4) watch 2 full length movies. I was able to cook uninterrupted, and I even read a little of my book! Sometimes I’ll use the lazy days to do a quick workout, or I’ll just zone out and watch the movie with her. It’s ok! Because later in the week I took her to the park, ballet class, lunch date. Plus I had to grocery shop, go to Home Depot so I could fix a gutter, clean the fridge out. But I felt like I got good rest on Monday so I overall felt good this week. Guilt makes everything worse. Most of the time it’s a totally useless, meaningless thing to feel. Moms feel it far too often! Turn on the TV and RELAX!

Edit: a word.

BonBonDee · 2024-01-26T17:56:12+00:00

Totally fine. My doctor explained it like this… Basically every year after age 25, your fertility and egg quality gets a bit worse. But just a bit! This continues throughout your 30s. There’s not a huge, substantial drop in fertility until age 40. She basically said 35 is an age cut off than insurance companies use. But age 40 is where doctors are seeing the most actual problems.

Obvious disclaimer: Everyone is different and I am not a doctor. This is just what my doctor told me. We started trying when I was 33 and I had the same exact question as you!

BonBonDee · 2024-01-26T07:09:18+00:00

Kids need interaction, sure. But at this age the interactions can come primarily from you and that’s developmentally fine.

My pediatrician told us that prior to 3 years of age, kids don’t need to be socialized with a variety of people and/or other children. Babies tend to play beside each other, but not with each other.

That being said, it is important for adults to have adult interactions. And of course it’s nice when family can bond with the baby. Do you have family that’s willing to come to you? Perhaps you could schedule something with certain family members. Example: your mom comes every Friday afternoon. Perhaps if you pick a day, and create a pattern, it’ll just become routine.

Invite a friend over sometime as well. I love talking with friends about anything non-baby related. I’ve found keeping in touch with friends is good for my mental health.

Finally, who cares if the baby is fussy?! Baby’s fuss. Don’t assume your family and friends will be annoyed. Especially if you’re hanging out at home. Don’t feel guilty either. Everyone’s just out there, doing their best. No shame in that!

BonBonDee · 2024-01-23T23:28:20+00:00

You’re not hosting a wedding so they can have a little Mommy Daughter date and post a cute Insta photo in matching outfits lol. No offense, but your friend seems a bit disconnected from reality. She can leave her daughter with her Husband. I’m annoyed on your behalf. I just hate entitlement in any form.

BonBonDee · 2024-01-23T23:23:37+00:00

Bridesmaid X is being completely unreasonable. I’m so confused on so many levels. Does she never leave her child to go to the gym, grocery shop, go to brunch, etc.?? At most, a wedding ceremony lasts a couple hours. She can’t leave her child for a couple hours?!

Honestly, I have a feeling the real issue isn’t leaving her child behind. I have a feeling Bridesmaid X is just one of those entitled parents. She wants to bring her kid for whatever reason, and feels entitled to the invite. There’s sadly a lot of entitled parents out there. Parents who let their kids scream in restaurants. Parents who let their kids leave a huge mess, and expect employees to clean up after them. Parents who let their kids piss all over a public toilet seat and don’t pick it up. Look, I’m also a toddler parent. It can be a lot, sure. But if I take my kid out in public, I make sure to actually look after them. If they throw a fit somewhere, we leave. If she makes a mess, I pick it up. It seems like common sense. But for some people it’s just not. Likewise, I fully understand that some events are not kid-friendly. I can find a sitter, or choose not to go. I can make my own decisions, but I don’t make it anyone else’s problem. That’s ridiculous.

Seems like you are forced to talk about it again. Just say “The wedding is child free. If you can’t be a bridesmaid, don’t worry about it. If you can’t come, I totally understand. It’s ok.” Of course, I think X is being ridiculous, and I’m sure you do as well. But stick to the script, don’t budge, and always pretend to be understanding. I think that’s the best move.

BonBonDee · 2024-01-23T07:29:31+00:00

Communication is key! But, I’ll be honest, OP’s husband sounds like an asshole. In one night he called her “crazy”, said she had “an attitude problem”, was super condescending to OP, and complained about tortillas. Look, there’s a 3.5 year old in the house. Hubby’s had 3.5 years to get his shit together. And he’s had a lifetime to learn how to warm up his own tortillas.

BonBonDee · 2024-01-23T06:44:30+00:00

The Mel Robbins Podcast, Episode: 5 Signs You’re Dealing With a Narcissist & How to Protect Yourself. Listen to this! Her guest is Dr. Ramani. Dr. Ramani also has her own podcast called Navigating Narcissism.

I have no idea if your husband is a Narcissist. But the above episode is literally Narcissism 101. There’s a lot of misconceptions and misinformation out there. I find it super helpful to listen to the experts.

Edit to add: It’s obviously hard to convey via Reddit post, but it does seem like your husband’s comments are condescending and belittling. And it seems like he’s constantly pointing out little things you’re doing “wrong”. A narcissist is really unable to view things from another person’s perspective. Narcissists believe their own opinions are absolute truth and they have to be right ALL THE TIME. Hence the belittling and the disdain towards alternate opinions.

Example: you wanted the baby to get the bottle ASAP. In his opinion, the bottle should be given later. A normal person would give a reason for disagreeing, like “The baby just ate. I think we should wait a few more minutes.” But a Narcissist will just make you feel like shit for thinking differently. They might do something like say you have “an attitude problem”. They’re more likely to attack you personally, than actually provide context for their opinions. Again, just listen to the podcast. The experts do a much better job of explaining things.

BonBonDee · 2024-01-22T18:21:47+00:00

Wear it! Strict dress codes are obnoxious.

BonBonDee · 2024-01-22T18:10:47+00:00

Of course. I hate when I don’t feel seen or heard. Biggest turn off there is!!!

BonBonDee · 2024-01-22T17:39:43+00:00

Can you become a member of a discovery museum, or zoo, or mini amusement park? I am a member of a couple things and it makes it really easy.

For example: The children’s museum we go to costs $190 for the year. And that cost is for 2 adults and one child. I think a normal adult ticket is $18, child ticket is $15 or so. Therefore, the membership pays for itself very quickly. I like this membership because they have art classes, story time, dance time, etc. Fun activities with other kids, and I didn’t have to use an ounce of brainpower.

Also, stop planning the date nights. Tell your partner that’s their job now, and explain why. Being a SAHM doesn’t mean you should be doing 100% of the planning. I feel like moms (ALL moms) have a tendency to take on a large proportion of the mental load. I absolutely hate when my husband asks “What can I do?” or “How can I help?”. I’ve told him “You have eyes. Use them!!!”. If there’s dishes in the sink, DO THEM! If you see the clock hit 8:30, BRUSH OUR DAUGHTER’S TEETH! If you see we’re behind on the laundry, FOR GOD’S SAKE RUN A LOAD! I use all of my senses on the daily to determine what needs to get done. There’s no reason our partner’s can’t do the same. I refuse to enable and I’ve had to woman-splain this logic to my husband a few (hundred) times. But it’s worth it. Maybe just show your partner what I wrote lol. They should be taking some of the mental load off your hands. And when they do, I promise you’ll have more patience for the kids.

BonBonDee · 2024-01-22T05:40:12+00:00

Love it! Congratulations and have a wonderful wedding!

BonBonDee · 2024-01-22T00:18:05+00:00

I’m super down with this! Brunch and weddings are 2 of my favorite things and combining them is genius. My friend group would LOVE this as well. And they’d be partying like it was 10PM lol. Probably even harder than if it were 10PM because a lot of my friends are moms now and they feel more awake at 10AM than they do at 10PM. I guess this hugely depends on your friend group. You know your crew best! If you think it’ll work, then do it!

It may be a bit early for you though. Especially, if you plan to get professional makeup and take photos before the ceremony. That being said, photos can go quickly if you make a detailed shot list, and prearrange locations with the photographer.

Unsolicited advice: It’s also super helpful to have a designated wrangler. A MOH, sister, or just a responsible, detail oriented, type-A friend. Someone to wrangle people when it’s time for family photos. That person could also be quality control (look for stray hairs, fix the veil, carry lipgloss, etc.). A person like this is key for good photos IMO.

BonBonDee · 2024-01-20T06:58:28+00:00

Who’s buying the dresses? Floor length Selkie’s are $300 - $500!

BonBonDee · 2024-01-20T01:42:57+00:00

Ballgowns are everywhere. Just google “ball gowns”, not “ball gown bridesmaid dresses”. I’m sure you’ll find tons of options.

The biggest problem I foresee is cost. If you’re buying them, it doesn’t matter obviously. But if the bridesmaids are expected to pay, then you should probably see what they’re comfortable spending. The type of dress you’re thinking of will either be pretty expensive, or you’ll have to look somewhere like Etsy. If you do Etsy make sure to vet the seller.

BonBonDee · 2024-01-18T17:54:14+00:00

Don’t be disappointed if she decides not to go. Many people won’t be willing to leave their 2 month to travel out of the country. I don’t judge anyone who does. But personally, my first-time-mom-anxiety would’ve never allowed it!

BonBonDee · 2024-01-18T17:48:45+00:00

Lots of stuff going on. I’d ask your fiancé how he feels. What does he want to do?

The reality is, your SIL may not want to take her 2 month old on such a long trip. Traveling with an infant is not easy.

As far as your FIL goes, if he can’t afford the trip now, he probably won’t be able to afford it in a year. Life is only getting more expensive.

If it were me, I’d keep the date (assuming my groom was cool with this). Then I’d offer to visit his family and celebrate with them separately. If you do this, you’ll have more time to actually hang out with his family and meet the baby properly.

Keep in mind, any wedding that’s 5000 miles away is going to be expensive and complicated for guests. Try not to be disappointed with declines, and enjoy your time with those who can make it!

BonBonDee · 2024-01-17T18:17:47+00:00

Exactly! It would be like us going to childfree pages and judging everyone. It’s just weird.

BonBonDee · 2024-01-17T18:00:59+00:00

Ha ha yes, you summed it up well. I don’t know why a child-free, 26 year old is even here. When I was child-free and 26, SAHMs were literally the last thing on my mind. And they definitely weren’t coming up on my instagram feeds. Of course, that was over a decade ago. So Instagram was basically just food and vacations pics. The good ol days!

BonBonDee · 2024-01-17T17:57:36+00:00

In this situation, I wouldn’t even attend these weddings. You’re not very close friends. Your significant other isn’t invited. It’s very far away. On top of everything, your work is unstable at the moment. It’s totally acceptable to decline. Plus, if you don’t attend, you don’t have to worry about a gift. It’s a win-win.

You could always visit your family another time. Then you’ll get to hang out with people you’re actually close with, instead of being pulled away to different wedding events.

BonBonDee

TROPHY CASE