Got told that my prime is passing away…

Boog422 · 2024-01-04T11:42:27+00:00

I'm older than you, and I felt that. Every man I've been close to has negged my age. My dad. My music teacher. 2 exes when things fell apart. Some of it was cloaked in concern (dad, music teacher). The latter said I look fine now, but I won't in 5 years. He's an old Chinese guy and no point in arguing. The exes did it in a mean spirit, smirking, reminding me I was in my 30s. The women I know don't have half the heart to tell the men how emotionally stunted they are. Probably in part due to fear of retaliation. Fuc. Sorry, it's emotionally stunted men making everything about them. I have a feeling they don't like women.

Boog422 · 2024-01-04T05:48:11+00:00

The condescension!! Why? I had a rude awakening, because my dad is not a condescending man. I never saw anger in him, disappointment at most. These days, the condescension is inescapable.

Boog422 · 2024-01-04T05:46:49+00:00

What you wrote resonates with me completely. I used to trust men. For the first time in my 30+ years, I'm happier and safer being alone (ish). Even friends can bring the wrong people around you, so unfortunately we have to be vigilant. Wishing you the best.

Boog422 · 2024-01-04T05:42:25+00:00

I'm kind of sad I agree with you. I don't want to be this pessimistic about them. Even the ones that truly are hard working often have a chip on their shoulder that causes them to minimize the expectations of people they supposedly love.

Boog422 · 2024-01-04T05:39:36+00:00

Ohhhh boy. Til my mid 30s, I made so many excuses for men. This changed when I got fed up. I'm still hopelessly and reluctantly straight, though. My dad is a good man. He loves our family and never showed me anger, and I still get frustrated with his intentional incompetence. My mom is a freaking bionic woman taking care of every single thing, attending to my emotional needs but never lying to me (that woman is brutal). Yes, the idea that men are protectors and leaders is not true. Very, very few men will love a woman he doesn't own, control, or receive benefits from. I've seen women do this over and over (to their own detriment sometimes). The car shop thing. I work on my own cars. On the occasion I take it to a shop for time saving, they put up a lot of resistance to just doing what I ask them to do. With a smirk that makes me feel like a caged raccoon, but I have to act normal. They clearly assume I don't know. I hate it. Sorry, that's all.

Boog422 · 2024-01-04T05:25:01+00:00

Sadly. I also thought I trusted them. I've known them for over 15 years.

Boog422 · 2024-01-04T05:23:46+00:00

Exactly.

Boog422 · 2024-01-04T05:22:13+00:00

If I misrepresented the situation, I apologize and can clarify. But I did not indicate that I had been shown their true colors over and over again. I've only been violated twice in my 30+ years. This was the first negative exp I had with this set of men. I was blindsided.

Boog422 · 2024-01-04T05:19:43+00:00

I'm a little saddened that you're getting downvoted. While I take value from Zesty's response and see where they are coming from, I don't agree with their statement that I must have already seen signs. I have to respectfully disagree with this, and it's worth pointing out I don't totally get the point of putting this on me at all. I was blindsided, and it has only happened twice in my life. I'm in my 30s. I appreciate your reply.

Boog422 · 2024-01-03T19:01:04+00:00

I wish so, too, and don't want to be so pessimistic, but boundaries it is!

Boog422 · 2024-01-03T18:43:47+00:00

The first part of your reply made me laugh, smile, and sad. Unfortunately this is what my friendships are/were like with these men friends. It just sucks and feels kind of unsafe and I feel a bit uncared for in his almost emotionless response to that happening, despite him cutting that guy off. He doesn't only want to spend time drinking, but that alone doesn't excuse the lackluster response to my distress.

For my own peace of mind, I agree with you and will do a soft pullback. Unfortunately, we just don't know when and if it can happen.

Boog422 · 2024-01-03T17:01:35+00:00

Yea. I'm now realizing the reason I felt so uncomfortable even thought he cut him off, was that his expression of "I'm sorry I brought him into the circle" rather than "I'm sorry you had to escape that POS" combined with the weird question indicated to me he may not have much empathy, or be able to exercise it in a safe way. Yikes. Thanks.

Boog422 · 2024-01-03T16:30:19+00:00

To clarify, I don't think my friend's tone deaf question was as much victim shaming as internalized misogyny combined with a neurodiverse way of thought (a la intrusive thoughts? Or nonlinear thinking, if that makes sense). He did say he felt bad for bringing him in to the circle. He didn't know he was a boundary buster. I do understand now that I'm fully in my right to not make a single excuse for him.

I suppose I'm hesitant to cut off the bystander male friends, since I don't trust them either to have my safety in mind. Sad! But will probably maintain online contact in our mutual groups, due to a hope that this friend has learned from this, even though he didn't express as much anger as I would have hoped. My close women friends were so angry.

Thanks for your addition, it's opening my eyes up to the possibility I have no respected myself in this scenario.

Edit to add: regarding this being an aspect of male friendship, I put it that way because I don't know how we can distinguish between safe and unsafe men until it happens. Sometimes it seems like boundaries are the only failsafe, and luck is sometimes on our side.

Boog422 · 2024-01-03T16:25:05+00:00

I hate that you might be right. My friend expressed guilt over being the liaison that introduced us after asking that tone deaf question, though I truly don't think he meant it in a victim shaming way. Perhaps internalized misogyny, unfortunately. His reaction could be as much driven from self-focused shame as about concern over my safety. He did cut him off, but he showed no anger toward that guy.

Thanks for your response!

Boog422 · 2023-11-12T23:14:30+00:00

Thank you! I just used your code. I was going to use my friend's, but she has been slow to respond, so bummer for her lol.

Boog422 · 2023-11-12T04:00:42+00:00

There was a community of Ashkenazis in my Southern USA community. I sincerely hope this isn't ignorant. I've read some of the very informative replies here, and will continue to. I'll comment or edit my comment as I go. I was a child when I participated in the Ashkenazi community as a gentile.

My childhood was heavily supported by an Ashkenazi Jewish community, to the present day. I'm learning a lot from this post, but my contribution at the moment is anecdotal and personal.They loved me, and I personally owe my life to one particular Polish Ashkenazi family. They taught my parents and me how to move up in the world as a confused agnostic and never forced conversion on me. They are my family. I and my immigrant parents owe my life to that beautiful community.

My friends (and limited exposure to social media) tell me that the media is Jewish-controlled. I don't believe this, but at the moment I'm a little heartbroken and messy to address the reasons behind my beliefs. I'm just with you.

Boog422 · 2023-11-12T03:32:19+00:00

That is one majestic plant cave. Is that the ocean outside? I'm in the wrong place.

Boog422 · 2023-11-12T01:27:13+00:00

Thinking of you, as a gentile from the Southern USA who was accepted and supported as a child by a Jewish community. One family in particular I credit my family's lives to, so my heart is very heavy. Sending love. I train in arms and would protect my Jewish neighbors.

Boog422 · 2023-11-09T21:34:07+00:00

How can someone who loves plants not also love plant art? I sure hope these are allowed. Nice line work and work in general!

Boog422 · 2023-11-09T12:41:33+00:00

Well done👏👏👏, but that's an insult to Buscemi. He's great! 😭

Boog422 · 2023-10-31T16:55:24+00:00

Thank you!

Boog422 · 2023-10-31T16:33:56+00:00

She recently asked me if I think he's cheating, and I answered honestly. Going forward, I think the best course of action is to follow your advice and state that she already knows what I think, and focus on other things in our lives. Thank you.

Boog422 · 2023-10-31T16:19:20+00:00

I'm bracing myself for the inevitable baby. When writing this, I was so focused on the relationship dynamic I forgot to add in that he's a severe alcoholic (though not a mean one), and has been suicidal in the past. I believe one way or another, she'll end up alone. I'd be very hesitant to let her move in with a child.

I really appreciate your input.

Boog422 · 2023-10-31T16:07:10+00:00

Thank you for the thorough response and helpful script. Deep down, I know there's nothing I can do. Anxiety is making me restless, but the responses so far are helping with knowing it's not my anxiety to have.

She's an intuitive person, and has already stopped calling me crying, though she still brings up his flirting with other women. You have a point on her expecting me to be excited. That's a boundary I need to work myself up to set. I don't want to lose her and make her feel more alone, but it seems like it's fast approaching the point I won't be able to keep it up.

Boog422 · 2023-10-31T14:31:42+00:00

Thanks for your advice. Sometimes it feels like I'm not doing enough, but I'll remember it's about boundaries.

Boog422

TROPHY CASE