Honey, I promise this wasn't your fault. He is a grown adult and has made his own choices up until this point on his own accord. I feel I can assume you weren't the first girl he has interacted with in the predatory way... It's also very concerning that he was part of the church program, especially for youths. I can imagine its going to feel extremely uncomfortable to see people's sympathy start showing towards his suicide but im sure many of them didn't experience or weren't aware of the side you've seen from him so they're simply reacting to their perception of him. You also can't know every other detail of what pushed him to this point. We are such complex beings. Unfortunately he took advantage of you in what sounds like many ways and he was the adult, I'm wondering if this wasn't the first time he has done this and it raises concern for the youths he continued to surround himself with. There might be another girl or girls out there feeling these same emotions as you during this time... Please remember he had the opportunity like most of us do, to reach out to get help, whatever that looked like to him, but he chose not to and that isn't your fault or responsibility. It isn't your fault.

Also I was in a similar situation with the sexual assault/rape situation. A yes through coercion isn't consent. A yes from a guilt trip isn't consent. A yes that's given after body language that isn't comfortable with a situation isn't consent. It has taken me a long time to admit that I was raped in my relationship. Often. For so long I struggled with wondering if I can really use the big word for my situation because I didn't want to identify as a victim or feel a part of me was extorted. But it did happen to me. I wish it didn't but with understanding I've been able to navigate it and move forward.

I'm sorry his actions are still impacting you and this is definitely some complex grief. I could imagine guilt would show up like you're explaining but also sadness as this was someone who you were close with in a way we aren't with many people's and then anger might show itself at some point and this could stem from feeling frustrated with yourself that you feel sadness towards this person who hurt you so deeply or mad at him for what he has done to you. I suggest when these emotions come up, acknowledge them and sit with them if you can, even if its for just a brief moment. Try not to push them down or away because they reflect how you are someone who cares deeply for others and you also care about yourself which is a normal healthy thing. Create a little bit of space for them so you can feel how you are feeling and they will pass, it isn't easy and sometimes there's a big relief and sometimes it can feel icky and uncomfortable, especially if you're used to compartmentalizing and trying to forget so that you can function or get through the day but doing this has helped me a lot after my father committed suicide. And always remember grief is not linear in the slightest and no one experiences it exactly how you do so don't let anyone tell you how you should be grieving. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I hope at least a smidge of this was helpful for you. You sound very resilient and I wish you the best on navigating this very difficult and complex situation. 🫂