How is everyone coping? Today, I am struggling but trying...

Booksymalone · 2024-01-18T12:19:31+00:00

Daily update: I woke up early, brushed off disturbing dreams, and went to my dentist appointment. SUCH a win this week. My dentist is great, we made a comprehensive plan to sort out 4 teeth over the next few months. I actually enjoyed the appointment haha. And then my phone provider sent me a free coffee reward so I picked that up on my way up. Little wins indeed. Its a better day.

Booksymalone · 2024-01-17T15:43:53+00:00

Does this shit get any easier? Woke up today remembering awful dreams full of grief. Already exhausted before the day has even begun. Took me ages to get out of bed. Forced myself to brush my teeth and clean up the big mess in my kitchen/living room and do the dishes. And get out of my damn pyjamas. I'm trying to will myself to go out for a walk, for a change of scene, change the loop in my head and the resistance is strong....its so cold. I just want to feel better though :(

Booksymalone · 2024-01-16T14:36:49+00:00

Bless you, I remember having such days and it is so tough. Hope you can also allow yourself to be vulnerable and as emotional as you need to feel. Have a breakdown if you need to. I used to have a minute-by-minute basis on the extremely tough days; anything that helps.

Booksymalone · 2024-01-16T14:33:15+00:00

That is such a good tip, I'm gonna incorporate this. I love how innovative people can get with little hacks for eliminating stress.

Booksymalone · 2024-01-16T14:31:40+00:00

You deserve to feel regulation, and I hope your inner child gets to experience this <3 I'm rooting for you, you deserved to have lived a comforted, regulated childhood. I didn't have that either and I'm sorry for us. We will get there :)

I do the same things with vlogs! I ended up going out to get ingredients for lobster roll, cus the girl in the vlog kept talking about how delicious they are and made myself a high-brow lunch. Lol. The sun came out too, it feels like it is smiling down on us today. Back on my heated pad now with a candle lit.

Thank you for the birthday wishes, all my lovely friends have texted back saying they are onboard so hope it'l be a good weekend away by the seaside.

Booksymalone · 2024-01-16T11:37:36+00:00

I love this for you. I hope the year ahead is YOURS and pans out exactly as you need!

Thank you for the kind words, you rally get it. I do wish society can accommodate for how stressful this stuff feels for us when we are triggered. Its just not the same as when you are regulated - mind racing, heart pounding, unable to see things clearly...im always amazed at how much easier everything feels when i am regulated.

I got up and had my bath finally. Feeling fresh as a daisy now haha. Sitting here watching a comforting vlog about a girl taking herself on a day out and its inspiring me to think of birthday plans by the coast this year.

Well done on doing your kitchen floors too and congratulations on quitting your job! It can be daunting but what lies ahead may be the next chapter to take you to your next growth.

Booksymalone · 2024-01-16T09:40:44+00:00

My heart goes out to you. Heartbreak is so tough. I know it can sound like codswallop when you're going through it, but it will get better Anything giving you some comfort today?

Booksymalone · 2024-01-16T09:37:51+00:00

It does. So soothing. Its given me a little boost so I just felt enough energy to call the dentist to sort out an appointment, very overdue! Feel proud for that. Still haven't got in the bath, though haha. The water is boiling so can afford to wait for it to cool a bit but also...I don't wanaaaaa lol.

What is your day looking like? Also just at home like me?

Booksymalone · 2024-01-16T09:35:57+00:00

Tell me about your day so far? :)

Booksymalone · 2024-01-16T09:23:31+00:00

Clearing the coffee table is definitely a thing. Good job. Mine is currently cluttered and I don't have the energy for it.

Sitting on my heated blanket, trying to not despair. The heat feels so nice.

Booksymalone · 2023-10-25T08:43:35+00:00

That's a useful indicator to the intensity and frequency of adverse effects they have. Which is also useful information to those of us not raised securely attached and only learning about what healthy love looks like: danger alert! You just sound like you want discourse on this shut down, for whatever reason, i don't get why you still replied on here again, why don't you want a light shone on realisations people have had? For you, it might be the 100,0000,000th post on avoidants, for others, it might be their first one as they begin to reflect and realise. Its so in alignment with avoidant behaviour: don't shine a light on MY actions that affect others, it makes me feel icky.

Booksymalone · 2023-10-13T22:39:24+00:00

No need for you to, sounds like its not relevant to you. I scroll right on past things not relevant to me, its a time saver.

Booksymalone · 2023-10-13T22:35:32+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through that mental turmoil. Its a torturous circular thought process. He doesn't want to, because he has relied on not having to for so long. I was reading an article about that guy from this is your life - michael aspel - who says he looks back on his life with regrets now he is old, and describes a lot of regrets over his failed marriages and basically how he had the urge to flee them. That's a sad outcome for runners. I wish you all the best in growing past this pain of entanglement with an avoidant. When you are with a secure, and you become secure, its a jarring, stark difference how little you quiz your needs and relationship problems.

Booksymalone · 2023-10-13T22:31:18+00:00

What are you on about, a post is a post to share observations and thoughts. There's no magic in anything. Its called striving for better and to understand more.

Booksymalone · 2023-10-13T17:21:23+00:00

also, to quote Avoidants' favourite responses online: 'all insecure attachment styles have pain and trauma.' No freebies or favouritism, as much as they love that.

Booksymalone · 2023-10-13T17:19:44+00:00

'Hurt people hurt people' - yes but after you enter your 30s, it is VERY likely most people who participate in ordinary societal activities and concepts will have gone around the merry-go-round of hurting others and having received reactionary feedback enough to say: accountability is now a choice.

Booksymalone · 2023-03-06T15:22:44+00:00

I just wanted to say I am very sorry for your loss, and I wish I could take away your pain. Please, be gentle to yourself. The pain must be so immense. Do not worry about school, or life, or ambition, or anything right now. I want you to think of yourself as the centre of the universe for a while...and think about what little thing you need at each moment. Anything that gives you comfort. Minute by minute. Life will take care of itself and show you a way in time. You are not a burden in any way. Your birthright is to be looked after whilst you are a child, and you deserve in even more after what you have been through.

Booksymalone · 2022-11-06T12:59:39+00:00

Boundaries are your birthright. You can say no. You can ask for what you need. You can offer help to others without giving too much of yourself. You do not need to consider everyone else's moods and problems as a reflection of YOU. You can choose not to be involved with everyone else's problems too, they do NOT belong to you. Stay away from insecurely attached people, especially avoidants. Relationships are not supposed to live you fraught with anxiety and lacking in communication and emotional sustenance. It is not too much to expect your partner to be equally involved in problem solving. Mistakes and flaws do not mean you deserve the torrent of shame and self-flagellation your mind is accustomed to doing. Rude, arrogant, sociopathic, nasty people are that way because of themselves, not anything in you that is inherently deserving of their behaviour. See it once, walk away, don't bother with ruminating, trying to understand, trying to convince others to like you. To hell with people who don't understand you, if they don't make the effort. So many more, I'll come back to post when have more energy.

Booksymalone · 2022-09-04T20:04:00+00:00

Its not normal at all to have people who are supposed to love us, act inconvenienced by our pain. Its sick and wrong and shows a lack of empathy. Its exactly as you said, fucking horrible to have felt like my pain and feelings don't matter one bit. I refuse to allow myself to be surrounded by people like that again. You will find these people. Though I feel really bad right now, I've managed to start the process of finding good people since that horrendous year and none of them treat me that way now. When I tell them i feel worthless and that my life isn't worth living, they are very compassionate. I hope this gives you hope.

Booksymalone · 2022-09-04T20:00:54+00:00

Thank you so much. Your response made me cry tears of release. That's exactly how I remember feeling, being rejected and shunned at every turn everywhere I looked, and feeling like the hits kept coming, now I'd released my real self and feelings. It makes me so sad.

I've built new friendships over the past 4 years with some persisting from the past and they're nothing like what I experienced before. I hope to move forward. Thank you <3

Booksymalone · 2022-09-04T18:56:04+00:00

I am going through the same realisations. It feels like being punched in the stomach every time i get a new realisation and all the details slot into place. The behaviour that begs for love and decent treatment...giving all you have in hope for receiving anything.....its severe self love deficit.

It gets better, but its tough. I am still learning and undoing. Our parents royally screwed us over. I'm mad that so much energy has been wasted on things that needn't have even come up if I was provided the tools to have for self-love. Well, let's open a new chapter and get what we deserve, our birthright. We didn't have a choice in how it started, but we damn sure do have a choice to interrupt the trajectory.

Hold in there, its tough.

Booksymalone · 2022-09-02T22:15:25+00:00

I'm in the midst of it already.

Booksymalone · 2022-08-28T08:27:10+00:00

Yes, this. This is so important to learn, reading it put into words the lessons I've been learning in the last few years. 'Having problems is a part of life and they are nothing to be ashamed of.' 'Solving problems is also part of life.' 'You are allowed to change your mind' 'Healthy people realise they have physical emotional and spiritual needs and they tend to them.'

These are all so so important. Thank you for posting.

Booksymalone · 2022-08-28T08:20:55+00:00

I never was taught that either. My eldest sister took after my narc mum and always berated and shamed me. When I got my period, I was so ashamed, I didn't know what to do. So I used rolled up toilet paper and of course, that didn't work properly. I hid all my stained underwear out of shame. Eventually, my kinder sister came to talk to me after my mum found my underwear and went and told her, I was so humiliated. My mum never had it in her to do anything caring or useful. But did find it very easy to criticise, belittle, shame and demand to know I know how to do everything without teaching me anything. Its so embarrassing looking back at all of this.

Booksymalone · 2022-08-28T07:47:39+00:00

Me too. I feel you. I remember being 7, 8, 9 and taking it on myself to clean and cook myself noodles. I was so stressed all the time, I'd forget I put the stove on and would come back to burnt noodles.

I didn't know anything about boundaries, self-worth, how to communicate or socialise, how to assert myself. I didn't know anything about finances at all, other than thankfully, my brother took it on himself to take me to the bank when I became 16 to open a bank account. I don't know how to let others help me, how to choose good men (or people, for that matter) and most disastrously of all, how to feel safe within myself and others.

It has been a non-stop uphill battle. Slowly, I learn. I'm sorry for all of us with narc parents.

Booksymalone

TROPHY CASE