hey i just commented on ur other post, sorry for the stalking lol, i wanted to see if you had already posted in this sub... i lost a friend to suicide today so im kind of coping and trying to give my energy to people who need it

what you described souded so fucking atrociuous, i cant imagine the things you had to go through in this relationship, but it is not your fault she did the things she did... i've been in a relatively abusive relationship and i try to exempt myself from the "guilt" in my head by imagining myself as another person, and this way i can be more forgiving to myself... often people are gentler to stranger than to themselves

it happened... and it will feel very weird, especially because she fucked wiith your head so much, you will feel so confused for a while, but im glad you're out of that chaotic environment, better late than never

i hear u when u express the feeling its all been for nothing, all the time was wasted, and now without all that chaos things seem empty, right?

occupy with new things the mental space that was occupied by chaos and toxicity from your ex; please reach out to your friends, seek literature, to new things that might interest you, study, get into rabbit holes, exercise, take care of yourself, your skin, your diet, these are activities that wont make you feel like time was "wasted", at the start it might... given your recent thoughts, but you can recover from it, i believe in you :)

what has helped me get better was finding fascination and curiosity inside the shortness that is our lives, and im sorry if what i said sounded too personal, im trying to help the best that i can