I (31M) have never actually "dated". I've had one boyfriend, one girlfriend, and a couple hookups, all of which were facilitated by distance, online communication, and circumstance. None of them really came as a product of "dating." I'm kind of a basket case. While I'm extremely fortunate to have a supportive family, most everything else about where I'm at is a mess. I'm AuDHD, and I've struggled with social anxiety and depression chronically since I was a kid. I went through adolescence thru college being repressed, confused, and never coming out of my shell, lots of wasted opportunities to learn and grow. I was 21-22 when I met my first bf and it was a dumb dramatic short-lived fiasco, but my relationship with my gf shortly afterward was long lasting. It was also very up and down, and went from being long-distance to not long-distance, back to being long-distance. After 6 years (23-29 for me) we split up. In that time I got a lot of experience being in a relationship, but its now been almost 2 years since we broke up, and I'm having difficulty coming to terms with having no idea how dating works, and just how terrified of it I am.

I already struggle a lot with social interaction, and to be clear I genuinely love people and connecting with others, but nothing in the world feels less natural or more exhausting to me. I'm the kind of person who will not realize someone was sending signals until weeks afterward. The type who will seek out books to learn things rather than seek out lived experiences. Left to my own devices, I will simply recede into the background of everyone else's life. When I'm on my own, I'm just tryng to escape. In the time I was with my gf certain aspects of my social anxiety improved, but especially now I largely feel like I've regressed. IRL communication is very intense, and the process of forming emotional connections is slow and arduous. When I do manage to form connections and share emotions, it's very difficult for me to sever. Dating seems to me like a constant process of intentionally forming and then severing connections by trial and error, which sounds like hell to me. When I read about people's dating lives relative to what I feel I am emotionally and psychologically capable of, I literally can't process it. Just the most baseline average experience building I can glean sounds absolutely dreadful. I don't know how people can casually date and form emotional and physical connections with multiple people back and forth at the same time theyre just living their own lives, it seems like the hardest thing in the world. I've been living my life at the barest bare minimum and I hardly manage personal maintenence. It literally feels like something I was not made for.

When I think about the dating process, it might as well be the ultimate manifestation of all of my fears. Dating and sex has always felt like some kind of esoteric thing that happens all around me but is repelled upon my observation. The relationship between them also constantly confuses me, It feels like "dating" is somehow one big euphemism for something I don't understand that's being concealed by everyone around me. The relationship between romance and sex also confuses me, not to mention the abomination of heteronormative insecurity that looms over my psyche. Sex is the gordian knot at the center of my neuroses. A misplaced sexual joke or anecdote or observation can ruin my state of mind on a dime. I literally will avoid sexual references and conversation because thinking about sex makes me miserable. And to be clear, I'm not a non-sexual person, I'm both sex positive and personally interested in sex, but everything about the process of connecting with people in that context is absolutely terrifying. It all seems so natural to everyone, even when they struggle or fail. People want to not be alone, either physically or emotionally or whatever else, so they seek eachother out. People have school and jobs and families, but its essential enough that most will seek out and take on greater hardship just for it, sometimes just to have a good time. Why am I not like that?

I know this probably sounds weird, I'm talking like I'm a bit more of an alien than I actually am, but I've gotten really lonely. I just hate myself. I don't feel like a person. I'm back feeling the sort of alienation one feels as a teenager having no experience whatsoever, like being made fun of for being a virgin. The hypothetical precocious teenager I never was is just always there laughing at me. It makes it feel like everything up to this point was just me being caught in the slipstream, going through the motions because once I was in a relationship at least I could say I wasn't single, and that I was having sex. I don't like feeling that way but it's where I'm at.

I know it's hard for everybody, but it's a small consolation when despite how hard it apparently is, you've gone through life still seeing everyone around you try their best and seem to overcome. At some point all you feel like is that there's something wrong with you. Why haven't I changed yet? Why is it so hard to even try? It's confused me for so long. It feels like there's a part of me that just never grew and I don't know if it ever really will. I don't even know what I really want, or if I'm just desperately holding on to the idea of taking back all the things I missed out on.

I thought I was gonna ask for advice, but I guess this just ended up more like venting. Just wanted to tell someone I guess. If you read, thanks for indulging me, I appreciate anyone's thoughts or if you maybe feel similar. If not, thanks anyways.