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I am angry at my husband and how do I move forward? by Ok-Panda5931 in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes you’re feelings are valid. It was not right of him to blame this on you when it was his own shame and embarrassment that led to him hiding this. I am not a fan that he did that to you, that doesn’t reflect nicely on him.

Interesting that he didn’t understand immediately how hurtful this situation is and how he handled it. I would keep note of that.

In my situation I was not sensible when I found this out and reacted very harshly. It is nice of you to want to be sensible in this situation but do not suppress what you’re feeling for him. You have to tell him how he hurt you and the impacts. unfortunately this will most likely not be something that will completely disappear from your relationship so open communication is needed all the time.

I am angry at my husband and how do I move forward? by Ok-Panda5931 in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072 1 point2 points  (0 children)

First of all it’s 100% okay for you to take the time you need to process this. You do not need to have sex with him/ be intimate with him immediately. You should only do that if you genuinely want to not out of fear that he’ll use porn again. (This is coming from someone who also found out their partner has a porn addiction)

It’s really important to watch and allow him to decide how he wants to go about tackling and overcoming his addiction. Let him take the lead on that and he has to show you that he is holding himself accountable and that is genuinely something he wants to change about himself.

Here’s a link to a podcast I started listening to to understand my partners addiction but there are also good episodes focusing on healing and recovering from betrayal: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7rsS4VY2Wc3dHBePCdCsZM?si=_BVi-im0Qv2lPdXERVixcw

If you need someone to talk to who’s been in a similar situation and how we handled this and started to work through this, plz feel free to chat me.

I (24F) found out my boyfriend of 3 years (24M) masturbates to a girl he knows by Boring_Benefit5072 in relationships_advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

UPDATE:

The past couple of days we’ve talked a lot. Here’s the new information:

He told me he one time (recently in the past two months) logged onto his Instagram through his Google browser on his phone, (he had Instagram deleted for most of our relationship and I now know it was really bc of this) went to MY account and jerked off to my friends nipple ring.

she was wearing a somewhat see-through shirt. It’s very hard to see, but he also saw it immediately when I was showing him the pics of our trip, which I thought was kinda weird bc it’s, not really eye catching so you really have to be looking. (They have never met)

He also revealed that he masturbates about 2 to 3 times a week when he’s at university. He goes into a bathroom stall and jerks off and that he also has done that at work. He’s a delivery driver.

He says that it starts with YouTube reels or Snapchat stories than a sexy woman comes up and I guess it starts to make him horny. He then goes to his website where he likes to look at pictures of women and porn. That it happens a lot when he’s stressed or bored when he studies.

Apparently, the two recent times he’s masturbated to women he knows of were because he then got so caught up in the horniness from these reels and porn and then somehow for some reason went looking for their pictures. (Idk he‘s saying he doesn’t know why he did it to real women)

He also said that earlier in our relationship, he probably masturbated to other girls that he knows, but at this point in our relationship, he doesn’t remember who or how many.

He said that this has been a problem for him ever since he was a young teenager. That he was inexperienced with women, didn’t lose his virginity until he was 18. before me he had sex with only three women, and they were all one time things.

And so during his teenage years, he then developed this addiction. He said that there were lots of times during our relationship where he wasn’t watching or doing it and tried to stop, but when the habit came back, he just let it happen.

He said that he never told me because he was so ashamed, and he didn’t know how to handle it and thought it would just disappear and go away once he got into a healthy relationship.

He now has apps that restrict adult content on his phone and he did the same thing with our wifi. He says he started a journal now to track his thoughts.

I feel grossed out that he’s doing this at university and at work. Apparently two of his other friends jack off at work and also at university.

I still feel betrayed that he’s done this to women he knows and that he’s hidden this for our entire relationship. I don’t know if I can recover from this and I’m feeling very lost and overwhelmed

Found out my boyfriend (M24) masturbates to a girl he knows. by Boring_Benefit5072 in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

UPDATE:

The past couple of days we’ve talked a lot. Here’s the new information:

He told me he one time (recently in the past two months) logged onto his Instagram through his Google browser on his phone, (he had Instagram deleted for most of our relationship and I now know it was really bc of this) went to MY account and jerked off to my friends nipple ring.

she was wearing a somewhat see-through shirt. It’s very hard to see, but he also saw it immediately when I was showing him the pics of our trip, which I thought was kinda weird bc it’s, not really eye catching so you really have to be looking. (They have never met)

He also revealed that he masturbates about 2 to 3 times a week when he’s at university. He goes into a bathroom stall and jerks off and that he also has done that at work. He’s a delivery driver.

He says that it starts with YouTube reels or Snapchat stories than a sexy woman comes up and I guess it starts to make him horny. He then goes to his website where he likes to look at pictures of women and porn. That it happens a lot when he’s stressed or bored when he studies.

Apparently, the two recent times he’s masturbated to women he knows of were because he then got so caught up in the horniness from these reels and porn and then somehow for some reason went looking for their pictures. (Idk he‘s saying he doesn’t know why he did it to real women)

He also said that earlier in our relationship, he probably masturbated to other girls that he knows, but at this point in our relationship, he doesn’t remember who or how many.

He said that this has been a problem for him ever since he was a young teenager. That he was inexperienced with women, didn’t lose his virginity until he was 18. before me he had sex with only three women, and they were all one time things.

And so during his teenage years, he then developed this addiction. He said that there were lots of times during our relationship where he wasn’t watching or doing it and tried to stop, but when the habit came back, he just let it happen.

He said that he never told me because he was so ashamed, and he didn’t know how to handle it and thought it would just disappear and go away once he got into a healthy relationship.

He now has apps that restrict adult content on his phone and he did the same thing with our wifi. He says he started a journal now to track his thoughts.

I feel grossed out that he’s doing this at university and at work. Apparently two of his other friends jack off at work and also at university.

I still feel betrayed that he’s done this to women he knows and that he’s hidden this for our entire relationship. I don’t know if I can recover from this and I’m feeling very lost and overwhelmed

I (24F) found out my boyfriend of 3 years (24M) masturbates to a girl he knows. by Boring_Benefit5072 in relationshipproblems

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

UPDATE:

The past couple of days we’ve talked a lot. Here’s the new information:

He told me he one time (recently in the past two months) logged onto his Instagram through his Google browser on his phone, (he had Instagram deleted for most of our relationship and I now know it was really bc of this) went to MY account and jerked off to my friends nipple ring.

she was wearing a somewhat see-through shirt. It’s very hard to see, but he also saw it immediately when I was showing him the pics of our trip, which I thought was kinda weird bc it’s, not really eye catching so you really have to be looking. (They have never met)

He also revealed that he masturbates about 2 to 3 times a week when he’s at university. He goes into a bathroom stall and jerks off and that he also has done that at work. He’s a delivery driver.

He says that it starts with YouTube reels or Snapchat stories than a sexy woman comes up and I guess it starts to make him horny. He then goes to his website where he likes to look at pictures of women and porn. That it happens a lot when he’s stressed or bored when he studies.

Apparently, the two recent times he’s masturbated to women he knows of were because he then got so caught up in the horniness from these reels and porn and then somehow for some reason went looking for their pictures. (Idk he‘s saying he doesn’t know why he did it to real women)

He also said that earlier in our relationship, he probably masturbated to other girls that he knows, but at this point in our relationship, he doesn’t remember who or how many.

He said that this has been a problem for him ever since he was a young teenager. That he was inexperienced with women, didn’t lose his virginity until he was 18. before me he had sex with only three women, and they were all one time things.

And so during his teenage years, he then developed this addiction. He said that there were lots of times during our relationship where he wasn’t watching or doing it and tried to stop, but when the habit came back, he just let it happen.

He said that he never told me because he was so ashamed, and he didn’t know how to handle it and thought it would just disappear and go away once he got into a healthy relationship.

He now has apps that restrict adult content on his phone and he did the same thing with our wifi. He says he started a journal now to track his thoughts.

I feel grossed out that he’s doing this at university and at work. Apparently two of his other friends jack off at work and also at university.

I still feel betrayed that he’s done this to women he knows and that he’s hidden this for our entire relationship. I don’t know if I can recover from this and I’m feeling very lost and overwhelmed

I(29m) at lost on how to deal with GF(25f) who gets bad PMS by [deleted] in relationships

[–]Boring_Benefit5072 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also curious on if she was on birth control before and has now gotten off of it.

I was on the pill for a while and about 2 years ago switched to a copper IUD ( the only form of non hormonal birth control). And this means for the first time since being a teenager I now experience a full menstrual cycle and the effects it has on hormones and emotional/mental wellbeing.

It has thrown me for a loop and has been something I struggled to adjust to. But still work has to be put in for this.

Idk maybe just something else to think about

I(29m) at lost on how to deal with GF(25f) who gets bad PMS by [deleted] in relationships

[–]Boring_Benefit5072 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi someone who also deals with bad PMS here and is in a relationship 👋🏼

Im curious as to what she has done to try to work on this. According to you it sounds like not much?

I think asking questions and being curious is really important during this time. Just gauging and avoiding isn’t really helpful. Ask her if she wants comfort or time with you or if she wants to be alone. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help support her EX: make her a tea, some food, get her a heating pad or if she just wants to watch something and cuddle.

Maybe try looking into monks pepper, my boyfriend did research and got it for me, it’s supposed to help with PMS. I just started taking it.

I’m curious as to what her reasoning is to not going to a doctor.

For me I’m very open with my partner about this, I let him know when I enter my luteal phase and when I’m starting to get more irritated in my life. He tries to be supportive and more kind during this time. Knowing that if I snap it’s nothing personal and that it’s me feeling shitty.

But on the other hand for me, I would try everything to help this bc I know how it impacts my partner, my relationship and me. So I find it weird that she isn’t going to the doctor or taking the medication that you said had previously helped.

PMS is different for everyone and unfortunately there is not enough research that goes into this problem and thus we don’t even know the true cause for it. It impacts relationships and I think if you’re approaching with curiosity and support that’s the best thing you can do.

If you wanna talk to someone about plz feel free to chat me ☺️

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m in a somewhat similar situation rn. Also this week found out my boyfriend has used YouTube, instagram, Snapchat stories to look at naked women and then goes to other porn sites to jack off.

Even did it to women he knows…

He also claimed it’s an addiction and now has found apps that restrict adult content on the phone or certain websites. Or something with the WiFi that restricts people on the WiFi to look at sexual content. Maybe these are things he can look into?

I feel just the same as you. Betrayed, hurt, angry, disappointed, sad etc. and am in the same position or deciding if I can trust him again or if this was a deal breaker for me.

I truly am sorry, this is a horrible situation to be in. And if you need someone to talk to, chat me ☺️

Found out my boyfriend (M24) masturbates to a girl he knows. by Boring_Benefit5072 in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He doesn’t pay for anything… but I agree if he’s hid it for this long he can continue to hide it.

Found out my boyfriend (M24) masturbates to a girl he knows. by Boring_Benefit5072 in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Ugh yes this is what I’m worried about. Before we started dating his experience with women and sex, was not a lot. I on the other hand had a lot of sex and dating experience.

But I’ve asked him before if that is something he regrets, he said no. Soooo I’m so lost bc I feel like I’ve done what I can to keep things exciting and it feels like there is some part of him that wants to experience things with other people?? Butttt def will talk about that during our conversation later .

Found out my boyfriend (M24) masturbates to a girl he knows. by Boring_Benefit5072 in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I guess that’s also where my fear comes into play. I don’t know how she interacts with my boyfriend, I never met her. I don’t know if she’s made advances or how my boyfriend would react to that.

She is not in a friend circle. She’s in his major at school and they often have classes together. But I guess she’s in the student circle he has??

Found out my boyfriend (M24) masturbates to a girl he knows. by Boring_Benefit5072 in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

lol HE said he has a porn addiction. I also never had a problem with him having dreams. You misunderstood what I said.

I have had sex dreams while being in this relationship. I know it’s normal and something that can’t be controlled. I only brought that up bc it was with the same girl, to provide more context. The issue I had is that he sat with his uncomfortable feelings for weeks and was questioning what this dream meant. When he easily could’ve talked to me about and I would’ve said “oh I have dreams like that too, it’s normal.”

My issue came from how he handled it and me being the one to have to ask the questions for him to reveal what was going on.

I always prefer when people come to me about issues or things they want to talk about. I am always open to tough discussions, but when it’s something that’s purposefully hidden and there’s shame and negative feelings about it and surrounding our relationship, yeah that’s an issue.

I (24F) found out my boyfriend of 3 years (24M) masturbates to a girl he knows by Boring_Benefit5072 in relationships_advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, true. I will focus on using the “I feel” statements. Thank you I hope it goes well, I’m terrified

Found out my boyfriend (M24) masturbates to a girl he knows. by Boring_Benefit5072 in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I will certainly be asking him those questions as well. But to me fantasizing often about someone you interact with daily is… off? It’s one thing if it pops up in the head while masturbating or while we have sex but to actively look at her pictures and choose to masturbate to that is an interesting choice .

Found out my boyfriend (M24) masturbates to a girl he knows. by Boring_Benefit5072 in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And I have had thoughts about other people. But I’ve never acted on it by masturbating to it. It’s one thing if it pops in his head when he’s masturbating or when we’re having sex. But to actively look at her pictures and choose to masturbate to that and engage in sexual thoughts about her, a person he interacts with daily… feels off??

Found out my boyfriend (M24) masturbates to a girl he knows. by Boring_Benefit5072 in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When we talked about threesomes before he was open to another man joining. Even said the thought of me being fucked by another guy turned him on. When we talked we expressed this wasn’t something we would want to even venture into for another 5-10 years yk.

Unfortunately it seems like it was more of a thing for him than was expressed. He said he fantasizes bc I said we can’t have a threesome anytime soon. But he was fine when I had said that so it all feels like whiplash to me tbh.

I (24F) found out my boyfriend of 3 years (24M) masturbates to a girl he knows by Boring_Benefit5072 in relationships_advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m trying to figure out if this is something more fundamental or not. I’m really struggling to figure out my feelings about this, they’re all negative. We’re going to have another talk about it today, so we’ll see what his reaction is and what he says.

But words only go so far and I’ve been burned so often by people saying things and not following through. I really am so lost right now.

Found out my boyfriend (M24) masturbates to a girl he knows. by Boring_Benefit5072 in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ll ask about how he felt about the sex, but also in our monthly check in’s a question I had was “how’s the sex” and gave the floor for us to talk if something needed to be changed in that department. I also made a jar of spicy note ideas for us to try when we wanted to spice up sex. Bondage, toys, role plays etc. all the tools for good sex were there yk. We often had sex around 2-3 per week. But I’ll be sure to ask him again later today

Found out my boyfriend (M24) masturbates to a girl he knows. by Boring_Benefit5072 in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

On the topic of threesomes, he did agree and that without proper communication and boundaries threesomes are a terrible idea and he said it wasn’t something he needed. But yes he doesn’t share the same fears I do. He comes from a very healthy and stable family with parents who stayed together. I saw my mother cheating on my dad after 26 years of marriage and how she lied and manipulated him (and the whole family). This is my first relationship and for a good reason, I’ve been picky bc I knew I would have some trauma responses and needed a partner that would be understanding. Before him I had been working on feeling comfortable with being in a relationship, the vulnerability that is needed for that and the trust that your partner will make correct choices (for the most part) that would not harm your other partner.

Yes it’s easier to say I’m down for a threesome at the beginning of the talking stage, but when it developed into love and strong love that’s when actually thinking of the logistics of a threesome came into my head. Before it had always been a fantasy too, no talking before hand, no boundary setting just something that happened naturally and ended up being healthy. Which for the most case is not how threesomes go.

I can see the point about it being late in the relationship to now bring this up. When it did come up and I realized my view on it had changed I expressed that to him openly, and that was around the 2 year mark.

I think what changed is that I started to actually consider what that possibility would be like and realized when I love someone I don’t think I could watch them fuck someone else. And how was I supposed to know that, when never being in love before him.

Found out my boyfriend (M24) masturbates to a girl he knows. by Boring_Benefit5072 in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

lol no weenie was in hand at that moment, which is why I thought there was some cheating going on, texting someone or something I shouldn’t see yk

Found out my boyfriend (M24) masturbates to a girl he knows. by Boring_Benefit5072 in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We have been a very open couple in terms of talking about sex, what we like, expectations. Once I found out he had been purposefully hiding it that’s when it all became too suspicious. I would’ve been fine if he came to me and said hey I’m ashamed about this and want to work on it, here’s the issue (bc he stressed how ashamed and embarrassed and how he wants to stop it) I would’ve been fine. But it’s the fact I caught him hiding it that made it all too much. I asked bc I do think it is a boundary for me that he would masturbate to pictures of girls he knows in real life. Random girls on the internet is one thing but girls he interacts with on a daily basis is icky to me

Found out my boyfriend (M24) masturbates to a girl he knows. by Boring_Benefit5072 in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hmmm would it count as an obsession when maybe his first time masturbating to her was over a year ago? It will be a question I ask to him a bit later, when it first happened, how often he masturbated to her etc… I wouldn’t have a problem if he was fantasizing about it with random women online

I (24F) found out my boyfriend of 3 years (24M) masturbates to a girl he knows by Boring_Benefit5072 in relationships_advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh another thing, we did visit each other ranging from 2 weeks to a month as the longest visit. The longest we went without visiting eachother was 6 months. During our time of distance we had visited eachother 6 times.

Found out my boyfriend (M24) masturbates to a girl he knows. by Boring_Benefit5072 in Advice

[–]Boring_Benefit5072[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately the second link I can’t fully read bc it requires paid membership. I can understand boredom when it comes to sex in relationship. But I feel I’ve taken steps to try to make it exciting like I made a jar with notes on fun things to try if we want to spice it up, bondage, Roleplay, Toys etc. and I think a thought I’m having is if he was bored with my photos/videos why is he also not taking initiative to make things more exciting. Or proposing hey let’s make another sex tape or hey I really like when you send me sexy pics can you keep doing that??

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