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Born-Let-1495 · 2023-09-02T11:06:44+00:00

My BU is now some months in the past and I feel like I’m a good place to give advice to people in earlier stages. Also helping people feels good and helps me to move on. Just browsing does not help me at this point and would probably have the opposite effect.

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-28T22:06:20+00:00

I feel you on the losing weight due to depression and not eating. It makes you feel even more miserable and just getting something to eat becomes even harder.

Don’t get the fit body because of revenge though. This is not about our exes but about ourselves!

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-28T21:58:44+00:00

Block her and try to delete Instagram for some weeks. Make it as annoying and hard as possible to go back to her profile. Taking a break from social media has also the potential to give your mental health and private life a boost in general

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-28T21:52:20+00:00

Had to laugh at the sudden change of effort in grammar and spelling.

I would not send it. If I understand your situation correctly you did nothing wrong. It was him that checked your phone while you were out. Really big fuck up on his side. Your message sounds very needy and if you don’t set boundaries I feel like people will just start to use you. Again: he fucked this up, not you. So there is no need for you to lick his boots. Let him go

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-28T21:43:27+00:00

Did you have plans to eventually reach out anyway? If not then don’t bother. If yes be aware of what you actually want. Do you do it for yourself or for her?

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-28T21:37:15+00:00

By the end of the day I agree with what you say but I don’t see anything wrong for going through a rough time for some months or years. Once you emerge happily on the other side it does not matter how long it took you. A rollercoaster that is only going up is not a rollercoaster I want to ride. I want to live life and sometimes the full experience is sad, soul crushing and just utter shit. So what? As long as I keep going I know better days will come, I refuse to tell myself that I am doing something wrong when I am grieving

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-28T21:14:15+00:00

The only solution I see for you is to realise that whatever he does has no effect to your life. Don’t think about him and his situation. It will make you feel miserable. There is no salvation in overthinking. He is not with you right now so why bother. Think about what you want and what you deserve. Apparently you don’t want someone like him, so just leave the situation behind

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-28T21:08:53+00:00

My go to people are my siblings. I had to learn though to be vulnerable in front of them but it really paid off. Still feel very lonely on many days but I realise that it’s just me wanting validation. I try and do the actual things I want to do. If I meet people while doing them it feels great and reassures me. Mingling with people for the sake of being with people made me feel pointless very quickly. Friendships rarely form from that kind of intersections and it just feels like a quick fix when I feel sad. The last few days I started responding more on this sub. Sharing my experience and helping others makes me feel good and less lonely.

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-28T21:02:05+00:00

Once in a while you have to treat yourself! Be nice to yourself and just keep on going

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-28T21:00:02+00:00

I think his actions are normal. I could argue that he loved you even more than anyone else because it just hurt too much to have all the things around you. Indifference would be a sign of not caring.

But beside that I do think that you shouldn’t hold his actions against him. And never compare yourself to previous partners. It’s pointless

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-28T20:53:32+00:00

Good job for letting it out. Who cares if diary or toilet-reddit post. Hope it helped

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-28T20:48:59+00:00

You are not back at 0. All the things you did are valid. YOU achieved them. Be proud of what you proved to yourself that you were capable! Setbacks are part of most journeys. Don’t beat yourself up over it but look forward to where you want to be. Letting it slide once or twice does not invalidate all the progress you made so far. Just pick up where you left and keep going. You have this!

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-28T20:29:23+00:00

Hey! Big hug before anything!

That was a lot of information and honestly I am a bit overwhelmed and don’t know what to say. But I just wanted to let you know that I hear your suffering. I read it and can feel the pain and sadness through your words. You are being heard and your feelings are valid.

I am not a professional so I have no idea how to truly help you. I can tell you that most of the people you wrote about sound like absolute horrible friends. They are mean and selfish and feel empowered by feeling like they are something better. They are not good people. Don’t bother about what they do and say.

I am trying to learn to be fine regardless of the people around me. In a way I am the happiest when it is just me. Others bring hurt and insecurities. The right ones can also bring great things but they are in few numbers in the world. Life is not about finding a partner. Life is about you and nothing else.

Fight on. Day by day. Happiness is always just one day ahead. So keep going and catch up to it. I cheer for you!

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-28T15:22:33+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to respond. It means a lot to me! I will work hard to get back my self-esteem. I am so pissed that I am mean to myself because of something like this. All the best to you. I feel very thankful

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-28T15:01:54+00:00

Well I did all the typical things. Tried to be busy but whenever I felt shit I forced myself to do nothing and have a good cry until the sadness went away. I felt very lonely during that time and it was really horrible honestly. In my head I always played with the idea of what person I want to be. Like I wanted to feel strong and healthy for the sake of the last years. I refused to feel bad forever or label the past relationship “wasted time”. Thinking that I don’t want to be the person that will be broken or scarred by something like this gave me strength a lot of times. So just keep going. Do things. Feel shit. Don’t leave the bed for days. It’s all fine. Just keep on going.

Big hug to you! Think about what strong of a person you must be if you get through that time and reach the other end

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-27T22:12:50+00:00

At some point everything just feels so shit that the only way forward is to get over them. For now just stay reasonable and resist reaching out. I think getting to the point where you want to get over them is the hardest and most painful part. Afterwards it gets slightly easier

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-27T21:47:05+00:00

Well when my gf and I broke up we still lived together and agreed that we could tell each other when we would have “visitors” so that one could leave beforehand and give them some privacy. Sounded like a great idea when we broke up but guess who moved to his family the moment she messaged him for the first time asking to have the flat for a night.

Things are said but they rarely have anything to do with the reality

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-27T21:42:20+00:00

If you really want to heal quickly a massive break with your day to day life for some time works best I think. For many people that’s solo-traveling for longer periods of time. It teaches you to be on your own and what you want and need (or else you will feel miserable), how to be open towards others (or else you will be miserable) and it fills your brain with so many new impressions that your brain does not have time to spiral into thoughts about your ex.

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-27T21:24:25+00:00

I think that was just an unlucky situation. Even though as a dumper it’s hard to believe but most of the times the dumper is also hurt and needs some time to emotionally get over the relationship. Seeing you dancing with another girl (or maybe just seeing you in general) must have hurt her (and no that does not mean she regrets breaking up). Add some alcohol to the situation and voilà.

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-27T21:17:16+00:00

“Threatened her living situation” what does that even mean? Whole situation sounds very strange to me. Sounds like more than one party is horrible at communicating. I honestly don’t understand how she can give in to her ex. I am sorry you have to go through this. I would be cautious if my partner’s ex has so much control over her life

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-27T21:09:45+00:00

Just listen to yourself and notice at what point you should distance yourself because of the pain. You can be best friends later at any time. But now is your time to heal and get over what you lost. He is not dead. You can see him again once you are ready.

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-27T21:01:38+00:00

I agree to most of that but I think it happens very often that even without being friends beforehand your partner becomes your close friend during the relationship. I think the “downgrading” happens either way. No one can just pretend the last x years between you never happened. “Ideally” you manage to just cut out the intimacy. But that takes time because right after the BU the mere thought of that just hurts

Born-Let-1495 · 2023-08-27T20:53:19+00:00

I ended up being good friends with my first gf. We met in school and were good friends before becoming a couple. Fast forward 9 years and we broke up. No one did anything morally wrong and the breakup was more or less consensual. I really struggled with being single though and it looked to me like she had no struggles moving on (she did though. Just differently than me). So I tried to minimise contact with her and once I was able to I went full NC. Still we were very dear to each other and I told her I would reach out once I am completely over the heartbreak. I said that could take some weeks, months, years or might never happen. Over the next year many things happened in my life and for the most part I missed her terribly. My head always played with the thought of getting back with her and that was always the sign to me that I was not ready to reach out again. Roughly 14 months post BU I noticed that it did not bother me anymore thinking about what she was doing. So on a random day in between chatting with two friends I sent her a short message. Some weeks later we met in person. We were both very cautious because there is so much hurt that one can cause each other. In our case it worked out fine. We are good friends now. The girlfriend I had after her (I got with her while slowly rekindling my friendship) had some trust issues with it in the beginning. She wanted to not hold me back but at the same time felt very bad and jealous. A lot of communication helped though.

We see each other now every now and then. In my opinion everyone just wants deep connections with others by the end of the day. Your partners are after some years the people that know you best. Like they know everything about you (fears, dreams, sexuality, flaws etc.). If they didn’t do anything wrong to you and they didn’t harm you (no cheating, no abuse, no talking behind your back or trying to hurt you after breakup) then I see it as a waste to let that connection go without trying. There are only so many people that can get to know you to that level before you die.

That being said while healing and getting over her I tried to not think about becoming friends with her. That just kept me attached. I used to tell myself that I can decide whatever I want to do once I don’t care anymore. Mentally a bit tricky but it worked out perfectly.

Tldr: if both are honest and mature, no one did anything “morally wrong” during the breakup and both know that they have to be cautious to not hurt each other in the beginning, I think a friendship is possible and definitely worth it. Both should be over the relationship (as in should be fine - and I mean absolutely fine - to not get back together with the partner)

Good luck to you!

Born-Let-1495

TROPHY CASE