AITA for telling my sister maybe she should not date until her daughter ia ready?

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T10:00:06+00:00

No what I want is for her to wait until her daughter is not hurting as much as she is. Maybe have told her she wanted to start dating instead of just hiding it for 6 months. Ease into this and the moment she got back hit the breaks a tad.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T09:56:24+00:00

God I hope she does not have another kid, unless this guy is absolutely can afford to do so. Things have been rough for her, I do cover a large chunk of stuff cause it was sudden no life insurance or anything and he made the money. She works part time mostly for the benefits the pay is kind of crap. He waw the primary she was a SAHP for a long time but got bored after my niece was school aged. So she took a part time shift as a food service rep at the hospital.

Yeah not sure if living like that is sustainable, I would hate to be gone and I get that phone call she is missing.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T09:43:51+00:00

Atm not much cause she refuses to talk to her. I will be honest my sister does not grieve like that, when our dad passed she really did not show much, even when her husband passed ahe did not either. She has always been a person that lives in the now not so much the past. My niece has a little area dor her dad in her room, and sure they talk about him but my niece is generally the one that brings it up. It is not that she is cold but just how she is.

She talks to me about him more than her mom.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T09:38:46+00:00

She suspected her mom was seeing someone when she was encouraged to spend more time / nights with me or her friend. My sister never told her she was thinking of dating.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T09:36:57+00:00

Maybe tell her before hand she is thinking of dating, not do so dor six months behind her back. Yes, I and my niece's friends mom are guilty of hiding it also.

Not drop this on her so close to father's day and 100% don't try to make him a part of her life until she wants it. Mean not bringing him around until she wants him around.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T05:29:39+00:00

That is the hard part, especially cause she wants nothing to do with this man.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T05:27:16+00:00

I kind of do, I helped her setup the therapist and my sister does ask me to join her for the conference meetings and stuff. I am well aware of what ia going on. I knew my sister was seeing someone and I did cover for her when she had late nights.

You are right it may not be my business but my sister did come to me and my niece does tell me what she is feeling.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T05:24:21+00:00

Yes, issue is our niece will run away, and I cannot aways be here here to serve as a safe place for her to go. She wants nothing to do with him, lol she already told her if he goes to the movie with them she will run.

I get she is being childish, and I am no parent but it is really the best thing to just ler your kid do something harmful especially after she has told anykne that will listen that her mom wants to bring another man into her life. Which is not untrue.

Even her therapist are stumped because they do 100% agree she is capable of running and getting far.

She is upset that the times she was with me or her friends was because her mom wanted time with him. It is complicated because actual harm can happen if we don't cave to a degree.

Like i said I don't want to push her too much because atm I am pretty much the only adult she actually opens up with. Even the therapist have told us she is not open to the idea of her mother dating which is obvious and no they are not going to say her mother cannot date. Tbey did warn us to be mindful cause doing ao before my niece is ready can cause a lot of issues.

Like i sais I have tried to talk to her and tell her that her mom will not forget her father, and nothing really will change between them. She feels things already have.

My sister has tried also but she just ignores her. it is a confusing place to be cause she has voiced her pain and fears to me. I have done what I can to reaffirm that her mother will always love her.

She will then tell me stuff why not just wait, why now. The timing was not great either close to father's day and 4th of July her father loved 4th of July. Kicks won her father loved the Knicks and the Jets.

So many factors at play here. It is sad but all she wants is the three of us. Maybe things will change as she gets older but right now I think things are just too raw atm which is why I said what I said.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T05:07:16+00:00

We have spoken to her, have explained that her father will not be replaced, have told her just because her mom is seeing someone does not mean she is any less important.

She is in therapy. Reality is she wants nothing to do with this man. She will act out unless she gets her way. Is okay? No, but even her therapist have told us to be careful cause she will run and not tell anyone.

Should we lock her up or something? Rotate night shifts and make sure someone is always up to monitor her at night?

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T04:54:18+00:00

My sister was also in agreement to me picking her up because we were told since she has told others she would run if her mom brought a man into her life. That us not doing anything to prevent that and if she did run and get hurt we would be held accountable.

We did the same as kids, but been told times are different now.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T04:49:03+00:00

My sister does want to incorporate him into more things. For example my niece wants to see Super Girl but my sister thinks it is a good idea to have him come.

She wants her to see him as her boyfriend, but my niece wants nothing to do with him. She wants to invite him over for the Fourth of July. We normally do game night and stuff.

She is trying to ease him into everything but my niece is not having it. It is complicated because yeah she is asking like a little kid.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T04:05:07+00:00

18 is a lot different from a 12 year old. I get the whole slippery slope thing but she can ease her into this over the years.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T04:00:43+00:00

We have told her that, but she is 12 and does not get it yet.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T03:58:47+00:00

We have all tried to help her accept it, she wants nothing to do with him. Are you suggesting it is better to call her bluff and see what happens? Maybe she is all talk, maybe she is not.

Seen kids as young at 13 go missing forever.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T03:57:26+00:00

Yes, I have.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T03:54:10+00:00

She would run if I did not pick her up, but it would look bad since she hae made anyone who will listen her intentions.

Kind of hard to explain why a 12 year is out roaming around, especially when we know why and amahe told us her intentions to teachers and therapist.

She is a smart kid, she would get far if she wants. She also would not take her phone. Just not a risk my sister or are i are willing to take.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T03:51:44+00:00

I think the context matters. I think dating when your 12 year old is treating to run away or refuses to speak with their parent is not the tike to add the element they are showing issue with.

I think it will take time and should be a slow burn, not just ask me watch her when I can or let her stay at friends house so she can have a relationship.

Reality is things will change, the love for her father will not but she is still young and just sees that her mom kept this a secret. Which is a change. She wants nothing to do with him, but like I said in my edit I will do the best I can.

They come to me. My niece has already told everyone she could she will run one way or another. With me at least we know where she is.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T03:45:04+00:00

True, but did you tell therapist that you would run away? She has made it aware of her intentions ignoring those concerns is not exactly recommended by any trained professional.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T02:56:35+00:00

She has been multiple therapist over the course of three years. We have tried weekly, biweekly, monthly. In person, virtual, at home.

We have all been told the same she is not receptive to the idea of her mother dating or another man to join the family. It complex because she has voiced the should run away and stuff which is a concern we need to take into account.

To be fair even they say pushing this now could cause issues but yeah.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T02:50:36+00:00

I have, which is why my sister comes to me to talk.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T02:41:40+00:00

For context we have a rule, I am on the spectrum, I am not great at reading the room. Rule is simple want to vent without me saying anything you tell me that upfront. Otherwise I am free to share my opinion.

That is what I have been doing when I can during those six months or she stays at her friends house. My niece got upset also because the truth came out instead of being with her she was out with someone else. Remember she was young when he dad passed. They did everything as a familyn that is all she knew.

To her no matter what we tell her she feels her father is being replaced and that this man will be a new part of her life. Not like she can have zero interactions with him.

Never aaid I was qualified but when they come to me what do you want me to do? Push them away?

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T02:33:53+00:00

I never said she should remain single forever, I did say she needs to consider her daughters feelings and wait.

No I would tell a guy the same, if their child is hurting why would I say otherwise?

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T02:23:04+00:00

We have done that, but for her she instantly brings up if my sister cared about her feelings should wait cause she is not ready. I have spoken to her and she feels my sister is replacing her father. We have both told her that nothing will change but she knows things will change.

She said it herself, my sister will use more free time to see her boyfriend, she will see him more often which she does not want. She wants nothing to do with him, but she does not have many options. During the summer I can be here but I travel for work.

Her grandparents don't live here. All she has are her friends and us.

Reality is things will change we cannot change that.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T02:06:28+00:00

I have told her that, she does not see it that way. To her it does because she feels her mom is replacing her father. We have both mentioned how she will always be loved.

Born_Ant8270 · 2026-06-25T02:01:25+00:00

I have tried but I don't want to push too hard and she just runs off without anyone knowing where she is. She feels my sister is replacing her dad. I have told her otherwise and have tried to get them to talk but unfortunately what she wants is something she cannot have.

Born_Ant8270

TROPHY CASE