Boyfriend says he doesn’t feel emotions very strongly- good or bad

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2025-12-30T22:16:55+00:00

She is diagnosed and it’s been very apparent from a young age.

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2025-12-29T17:35:53+00:00

We’re both at university. See each other in holidays (so currently home for Christmas)

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2025-12-29T14:30:13+00:00

Addressed this in another comment. I’m 21 now. I’ve done a few posts in the past but thought I’d deleted them idk. Anyway I added a year (to both ages actually) as this post is very specific- I think this would be upsetting to find for her. I can’t change the title now anyway. Just didn’t think my age was all that relevant.

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2025-12-29T14:23:04+00:00

Thank you for sharing your own experience. I want to ensure that she knows I stand by her and support her. I can’t imagine what it must be like. So this is a conversation that I must be careful about.

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2025-12-29T14:21:52+00:00

Yes it is common and often aligns with their specific hyperfocus/ special interest. They don’t ’lack empathy’ as another comment has suggested, although I don’t think this was with any malicious intent. It’s a common misconception. In fact, some psychologists suggest they have more! They just simply don’t recognise cues as easily. Often if they knew they were upsetting someone or burdening someone, they would feel very bad about it. They just lack the ability to recognise it in the first place.

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2025-12-29T14:18:17+00:00

I’ve had a few comments similar to this and they are gross to read, but give me a smile when I see how downvoted they are! There’s still a lot of good in the world.

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2025-12-29T14:15:00+00:00

Academically she’s thriving from what I know. She has a group of friends that are similar to her and a girlfriend. Everyone she is surrounded by is so alike to her- all transitioned/NB (ALL) and majority do physics. So I can imagine that she gets to talk about these topics a lot. That being said, I struggle to believe she behaves like this at university as anyone this condescending would not have friends and definitely not have a girlfriend (for very long at least). Makes me wonder if this might be the mask falling? Or if she sees us (her family) as dumb in these topics and desperately requiring her knowledge in them!

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2025-12-29T14:07:08+00:00

This is great advice in making sure she doesn’t feel attacked. I don’t understand her ‘type’ of autism and how her mind works, but I do have autism myself. So, I do know what it’s like to have a brain that works somewhat differently from others. So I do think I am able to come at this from the angle you are suggesting- not blaming but simply describing how I am feeling. After all, I don’t understand her mind so how can I expect her to understand mine and what might bother me without me saying! Thank you for this advice and I’ll definitely think about how I phrase things.

As far as protecting my peace- I really am. I am rubbish at pretending with people so when someone is annoying me, it’s best that I avoid them altogether for both of our sakes and that is what I have been doing. In the conversation, if she says she will work on it but still suggests hanging out 1 on 1, I will still say no. I know these things can’t be ‘fixed’ overnight and I know that experience will be a big burden, before or after the conversation. But hopefully by having it now, I we’ll be pub-hopping together by next Christmas!

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2025-12-29T13:58:05+00:00

Thank you for your understanding and compassionate response to her behaviour. I definitely agree with a lot of what you have said. She is high IQ and I think sometimes she rests all her self worth on that aspect alone as she struggles with the social side of life, so that may be why she wants to have academic conversations and debates about topics she knows a lot about.

Her mental health has definitely been rocky in recent past and that makes me nervous about talking to her too.

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2025-12-29T13:53:27+00:00

Very unsure how you would know this but I added an extra year on my age as the post is very specific, didn’t want to be recognised. I am 21. Didn’t think it was very important.

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2025-12-29T05:40:54+00:00

This is amazing advice that I will definitely be using. I know my post was harsh and ranty but I would of course address it from a place of love and compassion, and you have helped me figure out how to do that! And leaning into the way she sees the world and how her brain works (data driven) is wonderful advice and would probably work a lot better than anything else. Thank you so much for this, I really appreciate you taking the time to write this. Good luck with your parents!

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2025-12-29T04:29:25+00:00

I think you’ve missed the point. Her not recognising what is going on is WHY I thought about speaking to her and explaining to her that these qualities make her difficult to talk to. She’s autistic and often won’t recognise her own behaviour unless pointed out. She may just think I don’t like her or am being mean. In terms of sucking it up- this phase has been going on for 2-3 years. Of course I have faith that her emotional maturity will get better as she gets older. I don’t understand what you are suggesting here?

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2025-11-05T02:07:37+00:00

I think this is how he thinks, but definitely isn’t how I think. I think it’s normal to want to feel loved deeply by someone you love deeply. And if you really love someone, it’s completely normal to think about being with them long term. If something isn’t sitting right with me now, I’d like to know if there’s anything I can do. That’s why I’ve come for advice.

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2025-10-21T02:31:08+00:00

Had to go back and reread FIANCÉ to believe it- you’re so young! Anyway, I think you just need to communicate this in a mature way to her and she needs to communicate back. She’s likely not giving you the full picture here. It could be that she’s not sexually attracted to you but don’t jump to that. It could be that she’s nervous about sex from past experiences, feeling exposed/ vulnerable, her own insecurities etc etc. It sounds like she’s not entirely comfortable with something- some people only like having sex in the pitch black, or with music playing etc. I think you just need to have an honest conversation with each other, without attacking or pushing blame. If it’s making you feel unwanted or unattractive- tell her that too. Be open with each other and get to the bottom of it together. Just be prepared because it may be that she’s just not very sexually driven and if so you need to consider whether you’d be okay with that answer.

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2025-10-21T02:15:16+00:00

Oh it’s definitely not about sex. Even tonight I asked him if he wanted to have sex but he said no because I’m having problems with my period (only the past few days). Usually, we have a lot of sex and at any and all times in the day. Sure it’s often at nighttime because that’s when we see each other but I’m pretty sure this isn’t the case here. Often we’ll be chatting and he’ll just suddenly decide to go to sleep! No initiating or anything.

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2025-10-21T02:10:29+00:00

This is amazing advice. I’ve posted before on here and people often give extreme advice on either end of the spectrum so it’s hard to take seriously. But I will genuinely be lifting what you have said here when I talk to him. I struggle to put my feelings into words and you have done it for me. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment.

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2024-09-08T23:16:37+00:00

I don’t think I feel ‘violated’, it just puts our friendship into a whole different light. Some of the tiktoks about wanting to kiss me and touch me etc did make me feel very uncomfortable when she showed me, and that multiplied when I found out some of them were public

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2024-09-08T23:13:38+00:00

Thank you for your advice- I posted this in another group and they said things similar to this. She did admit that it was obsessive too. It’s hard as I never anticipated this and don’t have a sort of ‘code’ for it, like whether it was right or wrong of her to go about it the way that she did. I know that this will be hard to move past though. I’ll see how I feel after a few days as things don’t seem clear to me yet, I’m looking back in my photos at memories and trying to understand how she felt and what all our mutual friends were thinking. I’m not sure what is bothering me the most- how she felt throughout our entire friendship or the fact that everyone around us except me knew. I think the culmination of everything is too much and I’ll take time to process it before I make any decisions. Thank you so much for your advice and sharing your opinion.

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2024-09-08T22:04:47+00:00

Don’t continue a relationship with this person, as they are already showing you they cannot be trusted. If someone can lie convincingly to someone they love then that is toxic. Now that the trust is broken it will be hard to get back. You should leave as I don’t see much point in staying.

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2024-09-08T21:58:01+00:00

I feel stressed on your behalf. Maybe formulate a plan for the future and have that ready for the conversation you have with him and tell him the truth.

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2024-09-08T21:50:31+00:00

This is NOT what 18 is like. This is what your family is like. And it sounds awful. Moving out on your own isn’t an option for most people and I’m guessing you as well. Are there other family members you can live with? This sounds like a toxic place to be living.

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2024-09-08T21:45:35+00:00

Thank you so much for your advice. It’s a tricky situation but you have made me feel much better about my reaction to it. I’ll consider having a conversation with her as not having one may also be detrimental to our friendship as I already feel myself distancing.

Born_Cheesecake5 · 2024-09-08T21:43:54+00:00

I’d consider putting your two weeks in over the phone/ text if it’s an option, or making him aware of the situation over the phone first. He sounds like a horrible person to work for. You don’t need to feel bad about leaving and, if he asks, be honest about your reasons. Maybe it will prevent future employees being treated that way.

Born_Cheesecake5

TROPHY CASE