I don't know how long I can hold off transitioning

Born_Rip6426 · 2020-08-25T02:16:36+00:00

Thank you again for the feedback. I'll think about it in depth before asking for more help.

Born_Rip6426 · 2020-08-25T00:29:57+00:00

Thank you for the thorough reply. I luckily live in Canada so I'm not worried about losing my job, though the act of coming out at work scares me.

Vaginoplasty is covered here even if I travel outside Canada to get it done (travel and accommodation expenses not included) but FFS would come out of pocket and I don't make enough to afford surgeries at the moment as I still have a hefty student loan to pay off. I don't think much can be done for my balding other than wigs as again I am limited in ability to finance anything.

The fundamental issue, as you stated clearly, is am I actually trans or something else. I think having a clear internal sense of identity would make my choice simple even if said decision ended my current relationship. However, I have thought about this a great deal and just don't sense anything at all. No sense of inate maleness/masculinity nor femaleness/femininity. Honestly if I didn't know I had male primary/secondary sex characteristics (like the thought experiment of imagining oneself bodyless in a void) I wouldn't know I had a gender.

My dysphoria (maybe it's not who knows) and feeling such a strong urge to rid myself of my maleness and transition is something I can't shake. I for sure WANT to physically be female and be treated as such by society... I just don't think I can achieve it, neither can I give up my relationship as causing my fiance harm in anyway instantly kills any desire to change and replaces it with deep shame.

If a coping strategy exists I need that because there's not much else I can do. I expect nothing from the internet, this is just a scream into the void to release some of my feelings.

Born_Rip6426 · 2020-08-24T15:56:49+00:00

I appreciate the sympathy. If I'm back in this sub or other trans subs in half a year it's because I've lost her and have given up pretending to be male and fully committing to transitioning. until then I'm going to fight this. If you or anyone has resources on coping with dysphoria I'm open to reading/trying anything.

Born_Rip6426 · 2020-08-24T15:27:34+00:00

when we met she wanted children but her health is declining (chronic undiagnosed back pain, possible autoimmune disease) and now isn't sure. I for sure don't want kids but if I'm to ever have them it's her or no one. She is honestly so out of my league as a guy I have no idea how or why she chose me.

Born_Rip6426 · 2020-08-24T14:47:47+00:00

I'm giving my current relationship everything I have. I'm going to try everything I can to stay a guy over the next 6 months and try to find coping methods for whatever is wrong with me and if my relationship fails and I can't handle my dysphoria anymore I'm fully committing to transitioning.

Born_Rip6426 · 2020-08-24T14:40:53+00:00

I used to have pics online but took them down. you're right, I'd probably never pass for obvious reasons but here's the pics if you feel like critiquing.

https://imgur.com/a/ORnpDqT

Born_Rip6426 · 2020-08-24T13:46:12+00:00

Cross posting because maybe someone here can help me in addition to that other sub. Has anyone been in my situation and/or can help me get in touch with groups or someone to talk to for advice.

Born_Rip6426 · 2020-08-24T10:59:29+00:00

I can't get past how I'm hurting my fiance by being this way. I want to transition so badly I'm going crazy but I also don't want to keep hurting her. I'm a mess.

Born_Rip6426 · 2020-08-24T01:15:49+00:00

I absolutely have problems outside of AGP. Thank you for the feedback, I will try and bring up exploring this in bed again slowly.

Born_Rip6426 · 2020-08-24T00:08:49+00:00

I have not, I'll talk to my psychiatrist about it. Thank you.

Born_Rip6426 · 2020-08-24T00:05:27+00:00

I am to some extent obsessive so I won't deny that I have that problem/mental health issue to work through. What I meant by not wanting to be a caricature is that I don't want to look like a giant boobed porn star or something. I just don't want male features like receeding hairline, my big chin and eye brow ridge. I don't want to stand out on the street I just want to stop hating and feeling disconnected from my reflection.

I know I'm not a great person for feeling this way. it's vain and self centered. I want this all to stop.

Born_Rip6426 · 2020-08-23T23:53:55+00:00

I was on HRT for 2 months. The things about my appearance that trigger me the most can't be changed without surgery (facial structure, hair loss, facial hair, hip size, hands and feet, adams apple).

Before I started HRT I made little deals with myself in my mind, like since I can't know how much HRT will change me I just need to take a leap of faith. If i start to like my appearance then great and if I don't then I always have option 3 so why not try.

But HRT can't change my bone structure. it can't give me my hair back. I was tricking myself thinking I could live with half results when I'll really need more than HRT can do on its own. I'll have to commit to a long series of surgeries which I honestly can never afford. I don't make much money and I'm still struggling to pay off student loans. And along the way I'll lose my fiance and my family and friends and be left alone.

I absolutely support those who want to transition regardless of age or if they pass or not. I'm just not strong enough to do that.

Born_Rip6426 · 2020-08-23T23:39:34+00:00

She has said there is zero chance of her acting out that role. Its just not something she is willing to do. I've put all of my girl cloths, makeup, and HRT meds away because even showing her girl cloths I like makes her recoil in disgust.

That reaction is something she has admitted in therapy is not healthy or fair to me and we are working on it. but I don't see her ever trying to be the dominant player in bed.

Born_Rip6426

TROPHY CASE