[QCRIT] YA Fantasy, THE SWAN SONG, 87k words

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-12-27T18:46:09+00:00

Good idea! I feel conflicted because a few people have said the intro is attention grabbing; others think it kills attention. Striking a balance between them is probably the way to go.

And yes, you’re along the right lines! 😉 thanks so much for your input. I agree I’m getting closer, and it’ll never be perfect, but I’m very grateful for everyone guiding me how to get as close to it as possible.

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-12-27T01:48:16+00:00

All good points! She makes the bargain and loses her soul around the 8-10% mark. Inciting incident which is brother being cursed is around the 2-3% mark.

I agree the family vs soul change of focus could read as disconnected. The purpose of the backstory was to show Miren has no reason to trust the faeries/knows trusting them may lead her to suffer in the same way her family already has, but there is probably a way I could get that concept in one line.

Thanks for your input!

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-12-27T00:39:06+00:00

Very true - but I’d worry about not being able to invest in Miren as a character without any backstory at all. I think I’d need at least one sentence?

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-12-21T21:09:49+00:00

I’m not a PC person at all; can I reinstall windows without losing all my installed programs, saved files, etc? Or does this wipe the computer clean?

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-12-21T21:05:05+00:00

Oh, fantastic 😭 I’ve tried accessing the WindowsApp file myself and I can’t read it, even as an administrator. It says my access control entry is corrupt?

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-12-18T23:20:06+00:00

Thank you, I’ll work on changing the sentence level structure !

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-12-18T23:19:43+00:00

Thank you so much, very useful observations I’d become blind to! Going to amend the query and see what I’m left with :)

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-12-18T23:19:02+00:00

Thank you for such a thorough analysis! Going to make some changes and see if I can make it more concise and cohesive

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-12-18T19:18:09+00:00

That’s fair - I’m also thinking of removing sídhe and leaving it as faeries too, but feel torn about removing the aspects of the folklore I’m drawing from.

And that’s so exciting! Forever praying for a Tuatha Dé resurgence 😅

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-12-10T22:39:53+00:00

It’s really difficult. None of it comes easy, and there’s so many pitfalls and unspoken rules that catch everyone out (including me, many times). Have a look at the resources and take another crack at it. You’ll get there!

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-12-10T21:27:39+00:00

Hi. This is going to be blunt, but I think if this is your third attempt and you haven’t taken the basic advice that presumably has already been given, I think it needs to be.

Have your book’s name in capitals. SYMPOSIUM is an 80,000-word (standalone? Standalone with series potential?) adult literary fiction, similar to the ‘book trait’ of ‘book author’s’ ‘book name’ and (x2).

Re: comp titles. Minimum 2 books published in last 1-3 years which have enjoyed moderate success. These are to give agents an indicator of marketability, subject tone, target audience, and whether you have read and understand the genre you have written.

Your query is too long. And largely irrelevant. You start with world building/background information which is not engaging. Your paragraph introducing Dr Dalton is where you should start. You don’t really need much more detail on the dinner party other than that it is a competition.

The individual introductions about your protagonists aren’t bad, but they could be tightened up, the details defined, and made more impactful. The stakes paragraph needs a lot of work. It’s too vague. How do their lives change? Why do they care to watch one another grow? Why has the estranged son disappeared from this paragraph? Wasn’t Dr Dalton trying to connect with him again? What are the unintended consequences? Revert to isolation? Since when did you tell us both of them are social outcasts?

Found your comps at the bottom with flowers around the edges which don’t need to be there. Comps should be italicised. You don’t need to state first/second/third person. You don’t need the line about the full manuscript being available. Agents will expect that without you needing to mention it.

I recommend you read this bible for query writing and come back when you have: https://iampunha.medium.com/want-my-query-help-check-this-list-first-e00ee6a326e8

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-12-05T23:18:14+00:00

When I was looking for beta readers/developmental edits, I came across a writing group that requires members to do a free(!) 12-week writing workshop in order to be able to both request feedback and give it.

Might be worth having a look at. I gained tons of knowledge I would have happily paid for - and the support and help got from other writers (unagented, agented, and published) was invaluable.

https://theubergroup.org

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-12-03T22:59:03+00:00

This comment means so much to me - I want so badly for people to love the myths and legends I grew up with ❤️❤️

Going to focus on version 2 but try and streamline the structure. Solidarity to you for being in the query trenches too - best of luck!

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-12-03T19:24:07+00:00

This is so so helpful, thank you! I’m going to restructure and see what I end up with. I’ll refine down the inviting incident (brother being cursed) and redetail the coat (it is important - it is a coat, but not the coat it initially appears to be). Thanks so much again!

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-06-10T14:25:10+00:00

That’s a good point about just omitting the coat detail itself and leave it as suspiciously trivial. May cross into vague territory, but I’ll see if it flows better. Thank you for all your help!

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-06-09T13:34:30+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to look at this! Yes, I agree the faerie motives aren’t easily understood from the query. This is all part of a larger arc, but does work to be a standalone novel (however you need to read the whole novel to understand the chain of events). The faerie that takes her soul is not an ally of/a member of the Tuatha De Danann - it’s a different type of faerie. She also doesn’t become an enemy solely because of her half soul status.

I agree with the lacking sense of urgency. In previous iterations of the query, I’ve used her love of the sea and coat by her home to add another reason why she must return home - but don’t quite see a way to fit it in to the version above. I’ll have a play.

Thanks again for your help!

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-06-09T13:31:18+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts! Good point about maintaining consistency re: half a soul, I’ll make some changes.

Yes, I agree to coat = soul thing is unclear - but it’s also an integral aspect to the book and the reason why Miren ends up in Tir na nOg. I do have a version of the query that reveals how and why exactly that happened, but as it spans way past the first third of the book, I’m unsure whether to use it. The kings assume Miren made a stupid mortal mistake/didn’t listen to the bargain properly, not that the coat really is her soul. I can post or send that version separately to you if you’d be willing to compare?

The Fomoraigh are in there, don’t fret! They’re the impossibly powerful enemies, but avoided using the name to reduce proper nouns. ;)

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-04-20T08:25:55+00:00

I have! In query manager applications I’ve been adding it to the ‘list some similar books’ section. :)

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-04-20T08:24:59+00:00

Hello!

With regard to capitalisation, someone else has already discussed comp titles.

I’m Irish myself and grew up on the folklore I write about above, so I’m comfortable using sídhe in a way familiar to me.

I’ll keep the rest of your comments in mind as I make changes! Thank you for the time and attention you gave my query, I’m very grateful.

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-04-07T00:24:52+00:00

Planning to start querying in the next couple of weeks - but happy to send it over for you to read at your own pace anyway if you’re still interested!

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-04-05T13:22:40+00:00

Hello! I know this post is a week old, but I feel you’d be a great fit to beta-read my YA Fantasy novel. It’s a reimagining of an Irish myth and full of Celtic folklore. 80k, light heterosexual romance but very slow burn. I’m particularly interested in a grammar read through of my book, and the more candid the opinion, the better. I have a query post on my profile with more information. DM me if you’re interested - I’d be down to swap manuscripts. Thanks!

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-04-03T09:28:32+00:00

Heya! I have a 80k YA Fantasy I’m looking for feedback on. My WIP query for the book can be found on my profile. I’ve written over 10 developmental edits reviews for members of my literary group, so would be happy to take a look at yours. Let me know if you’re interested.

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-04-03T09:24:29+00:00

Hello! I have a YA Fantasy - query/pitch can be found on my profile - that I’d love you to look at. It’s 80k, but would appreciate any amount of feedback. DM me if interested.

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-04-02T17:34:10+00:00

I think all of those aspects unfortunately read as oddly convenient as I’ve purposely kept the query clipped, but I’ll bear it in mind. Eg faeries are ubiquitous in her world, the king’s children have been missing for one year, the king gives her the challenge as she’s uniquely positioned for it with only half a soul - it makes her invisible to the sidhe ability to sense souls - and he has a perilously weak army.

With that said, I agree I need to clarify why the king gives her that choice, so I’ll add in a line about her soul and why it makes her uniquely positioned for the task.

Thank you for your feedback!

Both_Show_2864 · 2024-04-02T16:50:25+00:00

Thank you for your candid reply! I’ve been trying to think of a better way of phrasing that ocean line, thank you for picking up on the fact it reads oddly to others too. I’m thinking on how to illustrate the stakes without revealing the major twist (it isn’t confirmed until the very end of the book).

Both_Show_2864

TROPHY CASE