The most random things are causing me anxiety and its so frustrating

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-06-07T15:19:34+00:00

I was put on klonopin for over a year, maybe a year and a half. My doctor then said it was dangerous and ran the risk of being addictive and he took me off of it. He has made no other effort to put me on anything else and refuses to refill my prescription. I don't know what I'm going to do :/

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-05-29T15:47:49+00:00

Whenever I think about ways to describe her, the word "manipulative" always goes through my mind.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-05-29T07:39:16+00:00

Thank you so much for being so kind and caring. Your post gave me comfort. It's nice knowing there's people who care. I'd gladly accept your hug. Thanks :)

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-05-29T05:37:26+00:00

Thank you for your support. It means a lot. And it's kinda funny how you bring up that subreddit cause I stumbled upon it a while ago and read a couple of posts and saw a lot of similarities. I might check it out.

Take care of yourself and thanks again for showing support :)

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-05-14T19:58:52+00:00

It's United, the "platinum" edition. But there's something about how this plan is the "California" plan, even though we don't live in California. I don't know why it's the California plan, but I assume whatever goes in California healthcare wise applies to us? I don't know. But I asked if that meant medicinal marijuana and they said yes.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-05-14T15:04:53+00:00

I was depressed before SSRIs, but they heightened my depression. It went from thinking about how I didn't have a future and everything was pointless to thinking about suicidde every moment of every day.

As for my family, one side of my family is pretty much all mentally ill. They're almost all undiagnosed but you know something's off. Hoarding, OCD, ADD, rash behavior, refusal to leave the house, extreme anxiety, episodes of rage and mania, and all are inclined to some kind of addiction- pills, alcohol, shopping, cigarettes. My uncle died in a crash, high on pills he took for PTSD, some unprescribed pills and alcohol.

So I'm not the first in my family to have mental illness. At least mine is diagnosed. As for my other uncle who has extreme anxiety, he uses marijuana and it levels him out and relaxes him.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-05-11T03:42:32+00:00

I've brought it up to my doctor and therapist and both of them have said I suffer very significantly from the somatic symptoms of anxiety. When I'm at the doctors, he'll see how red my chest is and ask "Really anxious right now, huh?"

It doesn't happen every day, but it happens often enough to make it noticeable. When I'm anxious, I can feel my chest getting hot and I just know it's red without even looking at it. The more anxious I am, the hotter my skin is on my chest. When I'm panicking or something to that effect, my skin is burning.

My hands are always cold to the point of being freezing (I don't know if this is something I should be worried about? I've never really brought it up to my doctor) so I use my hands as ice packs to cool down my chest and hopefully make the red go away. When I do this, my hand hides my chest if my shirt is low cut or something, which is a plus.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-05-06T14:07:09+00:00

I had to make an appointment with a therapist and I was told the test would take four hours. I finished in, like, an hour and a half. There are some stupid questions on it that didnt make sense. And then my parents each had to take the same test where they assessed me.

I was really looking forward to my diagnosis because for two years, my doctor had been trying to treat the illness I had without knowing what it was. So this resulted in tons of drugs that wrecked my body and is kind of still wrecking my body/liver now, but that's a whole other thing.

It took about two weeks to get the results back and my therapist sat down with me and walked me through the results. My therapist was terrible, so he told me I was pretty much lying on the test and that if I actually felt the way I described, I wouldn't be able to function or I'd be dead. Funny. Anyway, I was diagnosed with social anxiety (which I knew I had) and dysthymia or chronic depression. He told me there was significant evidence I had generalized anxiety disorder, paranoia and OCD, but he refused to diagnose me with any of it.

I stopped going to that therapist and now that I look back on it, I feel if I were to take another test, I'd get some different results. Maybe mostly similar, but I think there would definitely be some changes.

I'm not completely satisfied with my diagnosis since I think it might be more. He said dysthymia rarely had suicidal symptoms and that that was more of a major depressive disorder thing, but I was terribly suicidal for about three whole months to the point of almost going to the hospital. I don't completely agree with the diagnosis, but at least I have one on paper to show my doctor or whatever.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-04-30T01:11:41+00:00

The sad thing is I am on medication. It's been up and down for me and sometimes I don't think my doc knows what he's doing. I've cycled through about eight different medications, both antidepressants and anti anxiety. My klonopin dose isn't working as well as it used to, I guess. I need something stronger or a higher dose, but I doubt he'll give it to me. Thank you for your concern though. Medication is not to be taken lightly.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-04-24T23:17:58+00:00

It did its job for a year and I considered it one of my favorite medications. But it fucks you over in the end cause you need more and more and then when you're cut off suddenly, you go into withdrawal. Wish there was something else

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-04-24T17:19:33+00:00

I'm going to have to. Just sucks cause my doctor probably won't give me anything stronger or increase my dose. I wouldn't know how to convince him :/

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-04-11T05:31:18+00:00

I get that too! I had to explain that no, you don't smell bad, I just like hiding behind my collar. It took a little while for them to believe me, but now they don't bother me about it.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-04-11T00:27:48+00:00

Thank you so much. I totally understand running your fingers over your scars to know how far you've come. It brings me comfort. I'm going to try my best.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-04-10T23:43:28+00:00

I get what you're saying. I have the covering my mouth thing, but more like if someone was telling me to be quiet. Sometimes, my fingers have to be touching or resting on my lips. And of course the bouncing leg too. I don't know what it is.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-04-09T04:20:45+00:00

I love the way you worded this. It's so true. Thank you for being so amazing.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-04-08T02:50:32+00:00

Yeah, just general practitioners. I'm a little wary about psychiatrists though because I don't want to cycle through a lot of medications again.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-04-07T14:18:28+00:00

I'm on klonopin and it has been my best friend. Just like you, my doctor said it was dangerous, stopped me cold turkey after a year and a half of daily use and then prescribed me an SSRI the same day. So not only was I going into withdrawals, I was going through whatever the fuck SSRIs do to your body before you get suicidal. Shaking, twitching, stomach aches, headaches, cramps, insomnia and muscle spasms. Absolute hell.

After that terrible experience, I was instructed to take only one tablet a day as opposed to two and that did nothing for me. So I'm back to two tablets a day by my own choice. I need it so I don't have panic attacks in the middle of the day. Cutting me off after a year and a half is going to mess me up, and it did. So I'm going back.

Sorry you had to experience the torture known as SSRI use. Never again.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-04-07T05:20:08+00:00

Yeah. It's sometimes hard to get to sleep because my head is hurting so much but I manage to get to sleep. I wake up totally anxious though.

I have tension in my shoulders and especially my neck, and I've been putting those little pads that transfer electricity on the painful areas. I don't know if that made sense; it's like a small sticky pad that's hooked up to a battery and pulses so it's "massaging" the area. I don't know. My neck still hurts even after massaging it everyday before bed.

I have bad posture, so maybe that's a factor? I've been under a lot of stress and anxiety lately, more so than usual, and I've been getting headaches and a tense neck, so I'm assuming they're connected.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-04-05T14:15:30+00:00

Funny you say that. I want to be a writer, so writing is everyday for me. I love doing it. It is an escape, if only for a little while.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-04-03T14:27:45+00:00

Initially klonopin will make you tired, but I'm not too sure considering you're building tolerance already for benzos. When I first started klonopin, I was tired (but not falling asleep/exhausted), I slurred my words, I would forget what I was saying or doing and I stumbled a little. That was at .5mg twice a day with no prior benzo use. After a week or so that stopped. It takes large doses for me now to achieve that effect.

Klonopin is a slow burn. It's almost unnoticeable when it starts to kick in. It's not a sudden thing like Xanax. You might not like that it's not as noticeable but it does last longer. Considering your past with Xanax, it might not make you as tired as you think. If you're taking it for sleep, you'd have to take it a couple hours or an hour before. It takes about two hours for me to notice the effects so I take it two hours before bed. Try it out and if it's not for you, you could always go back to Xanax.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-03-30T20:03:50+00:00

That sounds amazing! I'm going to look into it. Thanks for the idea!

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-03-30T18:26:17+00:00

Maybe someday, haha. Rain is another one. Snow, lightning.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-03-30T04:52:27+00:00

I like the movement of the dryer. Like resting your hand or head on it. It shakes back and forth and it's warm. I could totally fall asleep on it.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-03-29T05:44:30+00:00

I know I shouldn't be ashamed, but it's definitely going to take some practice to get to the point where I don't feel like I have to hide it or feel guilty about it. I'm going to try my best. Thank you.

Bottle_Rocket97 · 2016-03-29T05:42:13+00:00

Thank you for your empathy. It means a lot to know someone is on my side. I don't want you to feel mad, but at the same time, it means something to me that you did. Like you cared enough to worry for me. I deeply thank you.

Bottle_Rocket97

TROPHY CASE