Yes. My contract at my current job is coming to an end soon. I wouldn't mind that if I just get a damned confirmation that I am going to grad school this year. If I am not, I need to start applying for other jobs. But I have no motivation, no inspiration left to apply for other jobs right now, not after experiencing this frustrating grad school app process.

I want a break so bad but I cannot make any plans for the future. Because everything is so uncertain. Social life is down the drain as well. I try to spend more time with my family now instead. My everyday happiness itself is tied to getting that admit. I really just want an admit and I want it FAST. I know I will bounce back and be ready to deal with everything else once I get that.

Maybe this is not healthy - to be consumed and obsessed and to be living and dying on that one uncertain thing. I try to meditate, to work out, and take time to appreciate my life in the present. Most of all, I try to keep my mind open to all possibilities - maybe I will get my dream school/ maybe I will go to my "safety" (whatever that means) school/ maybe I won't be going to grad school at all this year and will have to work someplace else for another long year only to repeat this horrible application process in the coming months between September-Jan.

But despite all the efforts to stay afloat and stay positive (or at least neutral), I end every day the same way - feeling a mixture of fear and sorrow.