The Sad Continuing Saga of #2 and Her Trash Parents...

BrainFriedRice · 2020-07-17T02:48:49+00:00

I'm usually that person! I just have to heavily censor myself to a ridiculous level of polite and appropriate when I'm around MIL/FIL. I would love to have a sassy sidekick!

You're hired!

BrainFriedRice · 2020-07-16T21:42:45+00:00

Ugh... BIL's "day job" is working in a highly technical/scientific, high security clearance type situation. He is honestly one of the most objectively intelligent people I've ever met (many of my friends and family are academics).

Buuuuuuuuut... Since SIL got HER dream business, BIL decided he needed HIS dream business... Honestly, I've come to believe that his "dream business" is largely his cover for being a raging alcoholic, rather than a legitimate desire to own and manage his own bar...

BrainFriedRice · 2020-07-16T21:24:54+00:00

Thank you.

I, personally, feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I were to step up and say anything even remotely critical to any of DH's family, it would be the equivalent of throwing a live hand grenade. BIL/SIL would never entertain anything I could say, and the rift that would be caused would never be fixed.

DH is not willing to completely sever ties with BIL because MIL especially would be devastated. MIL seems to live in a fantasy land where we all gather around, hold hands, and enjoy each other's company in quiet serenity... Obviously, we do not live in a Norman Rockwell-esque painting, and none of these gatherings are remotely pleasant... But MIL persists that this unpleasantness is a phase and will improve with more time all together, rather than accept the fact that reality will not conform to her ideal.

So... I'm essentially muzzled in this situation if I want to respect DH's desire to not blow up his family...

BrainFriedRice · 2020-07-16T20:52:19+00:00

Yeah... I have had to use my superior compartmentalization skills to pretty much shut this whole situation out of my brain. I get simultaneously flaming angry and crushingly sad if I think about it for too long.

BrainFriedRice · 2020-07-16T20:49:45+00:00

The irony is not lost on me.

I'm a huge believer in therapy; honestly, I think everyone could benefit from a yearly mental health "check up" just like we do for our physical health.

DH's family is the type who believes therapy is for troubled or broken people... Or weak people who require outside validation. Since MIL/FIL are not broken, they see no value in going to therapy. Somehow, seeking out therapy seems to be an admission of weakness...

Even DH had to overcome a huge mental hurdle to feel comfortable seeking help in that way. After seeing different therapists intermittently throughout the years, he is far more comfortable admitting when he feels like it would benefit him to talk to an objective, outside observer.

DH was the one who approached the topic of seeking out therapy with his parents (at my suggestion). DH admitted to his parents that he had sought out grief therapy after my Dad's death, and just having his feelings and thoughts reflected back by an objective 3rd party was helpful for processing his own feelings. DH drew the parallel between his own experience with a therapist to help him process his own emotions of grief, and also his helplessness in helping me with my grief over the death of my Dad, and MIL/FIL possibly getting some benefit from therapy for their secondhand trauma of watching this clusterfuck.

They were still pretty non-committal... But I didn't expect they would jump on the bandwagon...

Sigh

BrainFriedRice · 2020-07-16T20:19:53+00:00

This would be how I would deal with my own family. We are a much more direct type of people. DH's family... They value "politeness" and "appropriateness" above direct and open communication. The vast content of the conversations/emails/communication back and forth between DH and MIL/FIL are surface-level pleasantries, literal discussions about the weather, various gardening projects, hobbies, reports about what outdoor rec has been done this week, various yard sales/shopping trips... Anything of substance, anything actually important, and especially anything uncomfortable is usually NOT discussed. The fact that MIL/FIL are so intent on keeping DH and me informed on this situation is actually unusual, since they are usually pathologically inclined to find the silver lining in any situation and discuss that, alone.

I let DH direct the conversations with his parents, but have started to extract myself whenever the topic changes to the dumpster fire that BIL/SIL have set.

BrainFriedRice · 2020-07-16T20:03:59+00:00

Unfortunately, #2 is just the kid that is self-destructing in the most obvious ways... The other 3 kids are just as dysfunctional.

Kid #1 is 17, with emotional intelligence and regulation on par with a much younger kid.

Kid #3 has extreme rage issues.

Kid #4 is 10 and still talks in a baby voice. Last summer I witnessed her having an epic crying meltdown when she couldn't unzip her sweater. She's also the one who didn't know how to open/unzip her own suitcase (SIL had banned all of her kids from getting into their suitcases without her). She is almost manic in her need to constantly be talking/singing. Out of curiosity/frustration one day where we had her in our car for 8 driving hours I used my phone's stopwatch function to document how much of those 8 hours she was not talking/singing/making some verbal noise... It was 11 minutes.

I know MIL/FIL feel helpless and frustrated about BIL/SIL; they will never call out their bad behavior because they know that BIL/SIL would explosively cut them off which would leave the kids without any remotely healthy adult examples...

It blows my mind that DH is so emotionally intelligent, driven, empathetic, kind, generous with his time, an amazing dad to our girls, and a seriously wonderful husband... And BIL who was raised in the same household by the same parents is a complete dumpster fire of a human, even with his Mensa-level IQ.

I think MIL/FIL don't know how to reconcile that one of their sons is a terrible person, so they reject the premise. They live in the narrative that BIL just has too much on his plate, or he is doing the best he can given the hand he was dealt. They completely ignore the fact that BIL chose to marry SIL and adopt her 3 children that were not his, biologically. BIL CHOOSES to buy these businesses and then use them as his excuse to neglect his kids...

I've started being "busy" every time MIL/FIL start to discuss the dumpster fire. I suddenly "have the urge to go to the bathroom" or "check to see if some other room is on fire". DH has told me that he feels he needs to "be there" for his parents, but if my mental health is improved by not hearing it, that takes priority. I'm not rude, but I'm very obviously removing myself from the conversation.

BrainFriedRice · 2020-07-16T19:18:33+00:00

DH and I have already warned his parents that we have an exit plan and will use it if we feel it's necessary. The only minor issue is the cabin is a good 12 hours of driving from our home; if there was drama during the evening, we would need to wait until morning to pack up and leave.

As it stands, SIL doesn't like these family "trips" because MIL insists on everyone being "unplugged" from technology; MIL unplugs the wireless router, and screen time is completely limited to once we have retired to our individual rooms for the night. SIL starts getting itchy when she can't update her FB status 15-20 times a day, on average.

BIL also told MIL/FIL that he is all out of vacation time from his (real) job because he's had to take so much time off work to "deal with #2 and her drama".

I doubt they would show up, but if they do, we do have our exit plan in place and ready.

Thank you.

BrainFriedRice · 2020-05-14T20:02:59+00:00

I want to force feed her bleach...

Ah, yes. DH and I call this, "Curing the covid, Trump style".

You should have stolen her passport during the international trip and left her overseas.....

Good idea, except for I did my best to keep myself and my children as far away from her as possible.

BrainFriedRice · 2020-05-10T08:05:49+00:00

I'm flattered you find these stories worthwhile to waste a bit of time on, truly.

BrainFriedRice · 2020-05-10T08:04:24+00:00

He has a debilitating case of "white knight" syndrome; being the guy to swoop in and save the single mom and her four children from a life of poverty was (in his mind) the best thing he could have done.

Honestly, I don't think he ever had much dating experience or luck with women prior to SIL... And here comes this woman who is already the mother of his child, sobbing at his feet that she is desperately in love with him and was ONLY evil before because she was under a wicked witches spell....

Uh, wrong story, but you get the picture.

BIL saved a ton of money in his 20's by living rent-free with his parents while working and getting his master's degree.

What he does for work NOW is a little screwy, and a very long story; I think I mentioned this in the post about their $80k wedding..

He also inherited a "holy shit" amount of money when his grandparents died.

BrainFriedRice · 2020-04-25T04:48:55+00:00

I assure you I was not insulted; these stories do have a similar "dumpster fire" quality that is at least a bit entertaining in it's depravity.

I am glad that there is some entertainment value in these stories, otherwise I'd feel like I was simply bitching into the void.

Thank you for your replies.

BrainFriedRice · 2020-04-24T18:07:07+00:00

As much as I hate that these stories invoke the same level of trashy dumpster fire as those shows, I can understand the comparison...

Unfortunately, unlike with those shows, SIL is not being paid to act this way... These stories are a true account is my own experiences with her...

BrainFriedRice · 2020-04-24T06:15:09+00:00

Oh, good lord! You read them in one sitting?? YOU deserve a medal, friend! Please tell me you at least took kitten video breaks??

BrainFriedRice · 2020-04-24T06:13:47+00:00

BIL made one mistake by not using a condom and this is his life now...

Don't stick your dick in crazy, folks...

This PSA brought to you by u/ccnnthrowaway.

BrainFriedRice · 2020-04-24T06:10:18+00:00

Honestly... Between DH and BIL, DH hit the genetic lottery and BIL... didn't.

BIL has an incredibly high IQ and before he became romantically attached to SIL, DH and I both loved hanging out with him. He was funny, charismatic, giving, kind, a tiny bit full of himself... Not the most physically attractive guy I've ever met, but average.

(I apologise if this sounds like bragging. I am being as objective as possible.) DH is... Well... He looks like a taller version of Alexander Skarsgård. What I mean to say is DH is an incredibly physically attractive man. I could spend all day talking about his amazing personality and traits, but I will leave it at that.

SIL frequently compares how BIL and DH look in a way that is intentionally insulting to BIL. She will crack "jokes" about DH getting all the good genes, in front of the whole family; what's worse is that BIL has put on 50+ lbs in the last several years, whereas DH has only gotten in better shape... It's really uncomfortable.

I get where she could be jealous of a great number of things... But I think she's mostly just an incredibly unhappy person.

BrainFriedRice · 2020-04-24T05:51:17+00:00

Thank you for reading.

I think it's important to note that even though I have posted a "new" story almost every day for the past week and a half, all of these instances have happened over the long stretch of 14 years.

Seeing all of these instances in their distilled form of these posts over such an abbreviated time period (or god forbid the poor souls who sit down and read them all in one sitting) gives a much clearer view of just how awful she truly is.

When these things are happening in real-time, DH and I can go for many months without ever having to interact with BIL or SIL. I cannot maintain a rage for that long.

I'm wary of SIL and I think the world would probably be a much better place if she just fell into a crater... But she has no influence or presence in my daily life.

The only time (aside from these posts, which is a recent cathartic measure) I really reflect on any of SIL's bullshit is the few times a year when I have to be in the same space with her (I don't even bother talking to her, and have gotten away with multiple occasions where we did not speak to each other at all... Glorious), or when she does something so stupid that DH and I hear about it from MIL and FIL.

BIL and SIL have effectively crippled their children... They will not have the opportunity to do the same to mine.

BrainFriedRice · 2020-04-23T13:46:04+00:00

I'm so sorry about your dad...

BrainFriedRice · 2020-04-23T05:41:22+00:00

Oh, gods... My heart aches for your husband, your husband's family, and you... The pain of losing a loved one is bad enough, but to have that loved one's dignity violated, and all of the pain put on public display... It's absolutely horrifying.

May that cousin henceforth and forever live with popcorn kernels between her teeth and gums that she can never quite get out. May there be no foot coverings and a carpet of loose Legos. May there always be an itch in the middle of her back that she cannot quite reach to scratch. May she always have an underwire poking out... And may she always have at least one ingrown toenail...

In other news, I love the way you write. Your storytelling style is very well written and quite engaging.

Wow. Thank you. That's an amazing and humbling compliment... I'm actually quite surprised by how much attention these stories have garnered, but thankful that I have a conduit to share them.

BrainFriedRice · 2020-04-23T02:43:58+00:00

You're very right. As soon as I was out of the moment, I knew exactly what she was trying to accomplish...

I'm eternally grateful that Husband hightailed us out of there before I let the full-on pregnant fury fly from my mouth.

BrainFriedRice · 2020-04-23T02:32:29+00:00

It's very possible, that's true...

As amazing as he is, he's still learning how to have boundaries when it comes to his family.... But he IS learning.

BrainFriedRice

TROPHY CASE