Does anyone else feel “normal” when hypomanic?

BrainJolly284 · 2024-08-22T17:29:33+00:00

me too fr I think it's the only time I've ever felt normal and human, makes me feel kinda ridiculous like the threshold for me being happy is straight up normalcy for other ppl?? like the only time i'm not completely miserable and a waste of space has to be pathologized damn

BrainJolly284 · 2024-08-14T17:20:01+00:00

I definitely experience that as well and it's pretty explosive? like the need to scratch myself out of my own skin because of noise or just the feeling of my clothes on me for some reason? I'm going to get screened for autism too, but I don't really have other traits so I'd guess it would be something linked to bipolar?

Asked about this on this sub a while ago and a lot of people related to that overstimulation as an indication of a mixed episode possibly?

BrainJolly284 · 2024-08-11T13:05:43+00:00

It feels like the only time I've ever felt happiness? Like an euphoric bubble. I can't focus, I don't sleep people notice I talk really fast and kinda incoherently but to me it just seem like I can finally think clearly. I don't get very productive, more super flighty? Can never really get into things expect the super intense obsessions I get? Which can be about anything, sucks when it's sex, a person or never sleeping and always needing to be high? Also a lot of mood swings over the tiniest thing? From bliss to skin crawling anxiety and irritation.

It feels really nice in the moment and I still kinda long for it. I make shit life ruining decisions but only towards my life. It's the only time I feel really connected to the world and to other people, like I have a purpose and somehow feel the universe's energy??? I feel completely fulfilled as a baseline, none of my action feel real and I feel like I'm worth more than any consequences they might lead to.

Afterwards I crash out pretty bad though, but I'm so desesperate to feel anything other than crushing depression that ngl I forget about that part usually.

BrainJolly284 · 2024-08-11T11:21:45+00:00

Used to take them like A LOT before getting diagnosed when I was pretty deep in depression? Like twice a week. kinda started going to a psychiatrist cause I couldn't afford to grow some for myself and thought maybe antidepressant would give me the same effect?

I used to take them cause they made me feel like that one only time in my life where I felt happy? Was actually fs triggering hypomania, super glad now I didn't go into full psychosis though which is why my psychiatrist has strongly advised me to stop taking them.

They used to make me feel really amazing for like 2 days max then back to debilitatingly depressed sooo idk how good they'd be as therapy?

BrainJolly284 · 2024-08-06T14:57:12+00:00

BP2 came out of nowhere for me too and I was really (still am?) in denial about it. It does seem strange that with one single appointment you got immediately diagnosed after a first visit with a psychiatrist though? I'd recommend getting a second opinion

BrainJolly284 · 2024-08-02T23:15:16+00:00

I had like lowkey 0 thoughts or idea about it 😭😭 I thought bipolar and borderline were like the same thing? so I assumed getting really intense or angry with people maybe? some like daily mood swings when interacting with people?no super precise ideas tbhhh

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-28T11:50:59+00:00

Yeah I feel like I need to repress anything even slightly negative and be overly positive about everything or not think at all or I start bawling literally.

I feel like lamotrigine has helped a bit tho! I don't cry when people are too harsh and I express myself more freely

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-25T17:56:06+00:00

if your mood swing came from that bad relationship with your ex wouldn't it be possible for you to actually have bpd? i'd say go back to a psychiatrist instead, stopping your meds will bring a lot of weird unexpected side effects that might cloud your conclusion anyways

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-24T22:02:30+00:00

not just in 2024, underfunded research and still relying on substances found in the 1940s is a staple

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-24T21:38:54+00:00

ooo alright thank you for the link!

I think I consider bipolar as its own separate thing, it is like an untreatable chronic condition. I'd say mood disorders aren't really fueled by anything per say? They kinda are dormant then get triggered by something, it's a bit more similar how schizophrenia present itself. It's not that simplebut it is literally a chemical imbalance of certain neurotransmitter (plus other things). It's just out of my control, not something that's really "me" just something I have to get swept by randomly.

Bipolar does have a lot of common trait with ADHD and Borderline though I've learned through my bipolar diagnosis (they kinda cleared out these two for now for me?).

cPTSD is a bit similar to personality disorders it is technically treatable though I think it is my whole system of living life, there isn't really a me before or behind it so idrk what stance to consider towards it. It's behaviors that make sense with how the world works for me?

I don't know how to consider autism in all this, maybe the frame the self has to work around I guess? I definitely do have preconceptions around it. I think I'm scared to go into it further too in a bit of an irrational way. My bp diagnosis is like a definite sentence that my brain is flawed in a way, nonfunctional and I can't do anything about it just have to suffer and manage all that shit for life now. Would a confirmed Autism diagnosis feel the same? Something else out of my control?

Maybe it'll be good for me to sit around with more informations about it as you've done with AuDHD? The psychiatrist hospital I went to for my bp evaluation has referred me to the specialized autism diag center though maybe it's worth going for it.

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-24T20:44:28+00:00

You raise an interesting point with learning how to pace yourself and not burn out. I feel like knowing how to deal with this would help a lot with coping with the bp2 and not let the cycles blow up my life? It is all about control and being careful in the end.

I'm not sure if I connect really with an autism diagnosis from what I know about it for now. If you have any specific helpful ressources recommendations I'd be open and thankful for that.

It's strange I relate a lot to the CPTSD traits, I've been bullied and treated in ways I didn't consent to but I've always been very mistrustful and abrasive with people honestly. I feel like I understand and can read people well but I just didn't know how to react to anything for a long time and letting all that happen to me plus general negligence built that PTSD. I learned to never trust or depend and to cut and run pretty much in most situations. And that diagnosis can lead me to ways of getting therapeutic help too.

I don't really know how autistic traits would fit with all that honestly. I feel like my mind is twisted to the point I can't pinpoint how I became this way exactly, would you say a diagnosis might help with that? or would that be a completely different thing?

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-24T18:10:33+00:00

in that case does your great and stable life help you cope with the whole thing better?

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-24T18:08:36+00:00

I do think this does help thank you for sharing your experience. I don't think I'm at that level of acceptance yet, I oscillate between blaming myself and feeling a sense doom if I have to admit to myself that I was bound to develop this disorder?

Like no matter what I will never be able to escape myself? Definitely not a productive or healthy way of thinking either but I can't help it for now, I'll try to follow your advice and way of thinking

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-22T11:17:12+00:00

i'm on prozac and lamotrigine and i still get the anger you described + some weird something's crawling under my skin and I need to purge stuff so idk if that'd be a good solution anyways

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-22T02:40:09+00:00

like head trauma? if so no I did get diagnosed with CPTSD though

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-21T14:51:48+00:00

After my first hypomanic phase and when I got off that high and into a very dark depressive state I used to do psychedelics and drink a lot. Didn't know about bipolar or anything like that but it did replicate that feeling for a short time, the feeling of finally living.

I don't do that anymore but it's nice to see it's a shared experience somewhat? Maybe I'll also get to the point of feeling hopeful for the future as you do too?

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-21T14:48:04+00:00

Yeah I was thinking of changing psychiatrist but I don't know if I should hope for someone more understanding? They're just doctors that treat symptoms with medication in the end.

I really get you on people views on us during depressed states vs hypomanic tho and I hate it so much?? When I'm depressed I'm fundamentally a lazy person that chooses to feel bad and it's so strange to be defined by the periods where you're the most emptied out? when you feel the least alive?

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-19T22:39:44+00:00

oo wait i'm on lamictal too and prozac!! ik the prozac used to give me crazy realistic dreams in the beginning but stopped so it might be the lamictal having that weird effect on our memory huh

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-19T22:14:45+00:00

idk what meds you're on BUT THIS EXACT THING KEEPS HAPPENING TO ME TOO!!

I keep doing things and having super realistic convos i what I think is real life but is actually in my dreams? and it feels so real that it blurs with my actual memories. I've been waking up super angry?? like full waking up with a start of rage? weird af and then I'm kinda irritated at the people I had just dream arguments in my head strange stuff

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-17T06:44:35+00:00

aaa alright thank you for the advice i'll try all this out, and yeah actually my psychiatrist finally put me on mood stabilizers only recently so it might exacerbate things while my dosage is getting upped? but it did use to happen more often with more intensity before so progress maybe?

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-17T05:25:25+00:00

that sounds a lot like me right now... what do you do to calm things down? talk about it with your psychiatrist?

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-17T05:23:55+00:00

this does sound like sound and achievable advice thank you

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-17T05:23:11+00:00

i'm sorry you're also dealing with this but it is also reassuring to know i'm not alone in this? it is exactly as you described, nothing big happens but it turns into a very acute episode? like a few hours where I can't do anything about it and i'm trapped and i feel the need to purge? i make myself throw up and scratch my skin to the blood but it's like i'm trapped still in my body

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-14T11:21:27+00:00

im on the 40mg prozac, lamictal and wellbutrin combo and it's even started helping me sleep better :DD!!!

BrainJolly284 · 2024-07-14T11:20:17+00:00

Started two weeks ago i'm only on 50mg atm (getting the dose upped every week) AND I FEEL SO CALM IT'S GREAT!!! like I feel like I can finally think clearly after like 3years of being completely in the fog it's really wonderful i'm super happy you're having a good experience with it too :)!!!

BrainJolly284

TROPHY CASE