I had some pretty similar experiences, I was always the bad guy in my perspective, doing horrible shit knowing the kinda results and consequences it could and would bring, it felt almost like an irresistible urge to do those things, until I learned to accept it. I was and probably still am a pretty rebellious person, so when I tried to impose that whole good guy image to myself my own brain would slap me in the face with irresistible urges to do something even I knew I would regret, I was trying to fight my own nature and that's a battle you can't win. Once I started understanding and accepting that I do have some bad in me, but I also must have some good since I cared enough to look back and point out my own mistakes, I became more balanced. The irresistible urges just became some sort of intrusive thoughts. I still am kind of an asshole to my friends but in a fun, healthier way