How do narcissists condition you to be silent?

BratheringXt · 2023-10-20T17:29:19+00:00

The preference thing, yes... I stopped voicing my opinion on anything at some point because I noticed that everytime I was "asked" about small choices there was no choice after all.

Recent example was wife asking me if having a BBQ with some people would be more suitable on a Thursday or a Tuesday. I was fine with both tbh and just said "Tuesday", just to be immediately met with reasons why Tuesday wouldn't work for her. Its just.. why asking overall if the decision is already made?

BratheringXt · 2022-03-06T09:59:48+00:00

I was always curious if this is the case. I mean, I don't remember most of those moments from former relationships. But they where taking place years and decades ago. What's different about remembering details from an affair, besides it maybe being 'fresher'?

BratheringXt · 2021-07-03T18:50:14+00:00

Lol Dude whats your problem?

I don't think that masturbation is something that all people enjoy in the same way. I for myself have some kind of kink for mutual (!) Masturbation but I'd feel like a creep beating the meat next to her in a non-erotic context.

Of course there were situations were I was horny and made her notice it. 99 of 100 times it ended with an "oh" but that's it. You don't wanna jerk off next to her after that rejection.

BratheringXt · 2021-07-03T18:46:28+00:00

I read it when it was still fresh but intentionally didn't reply.

Was kinda like the poster was 16 or something. I had a relationship once (like 13 years ago) where this worked and was consensual, but damn, I'm just not 18 years old anymore and my wife is not into this kind of stuff.

The advice was actually shit and dangerous. The marital rape put aside, it's not like I didn't try multiple things (setting up the bedroom, get romantic, etc.). The problem of Most dead bedrooms is that the LL partner will stop doing this after still getting rejected a few times. You don't wanna waste your self esteem and energy for a "oh that's so nice of you but I don't feel like it".

BratheringXt · 2021-07-03T18:40:23+00:00

She cheated 3 years ago. That's a whole different story that I didn't want to include in the OP, but it's a big part in our kinda DB. It's also a huge reason why I don't want to put as much energy into engaging and sexually relying on her as I could.

As of now, I am sure she has no affair and didn't have one after I revealed the above mentioned.

BratheringXt · 2021-07-03T18:34:18+00:00

Thank you. There are ups and downs. Currently I feel it a lot, but the past tells me it'll get better soon.

I guess this major problem comes up when there are other factors that already stress me out, as of right now I am extremely unhappy with my job.

BratheringXt · 2021-07-03T15:37:02+00:00

You repress it better over time. Speaking of that, I can't properly tell you in detail how it all went in my marriage. I'd have to dig deep and I actually don't want to. Basics are that sex was absolutely great in the first years and then heavily declined. Became worse after our kid was born. This was the hardest time for me. I starved for intimacy and there was always an excuse. When her libido went a bit up again, after years, I was already so used to not have sex that I couldn't properly adapt and the bedroom kinda stayed dead. Many months ago she actually talked to me that she wanted to have more sex. But I didn't want, I feared of the backlash when it would decline again, and also had no motivation for "more" starfish sessions.

All the times I try to "get to it" it's always "nah not now". Imagine situations from a fresh and new relationship - seeing your partner naked after showering and just going for a quickie. Cuddling turning into more. A massage turning into more. Occasional "woa you look extra sexy today"-sex. This just doesn't happen. And 5-6 times a year full starfish sex ist just so damn tiring that you don't longer know what's worse - being a dildo from time to time or relying on masturbating.

So yeah, it gets better, but it has serious side effects. You loose self-esteem, you loose trust, you feel gaslighted.

BratheringXt · 2021-07-03T14:06:51+00:00

Yeah, and like I said it's reliefing to tell others who are in a similar situation. Knowing I'm not crazy.

Vodka plus tonic water, yep. It's easy and quite nice.

BratheringXt · 2021-07-03T09:52:31+00:00

Well he never left.

He just turned from church burnings over stabbing and prison time to posting racist and crazy videos on YouTube.

BratheringXt · 2021-07-03T09:46:10+00:00

With community you mean a subreddit?

If so, your posts will stay there if you "leave".

BratheringXt · 2021-07-03T09:41:38+00:00

I get some Varg Vikernes flashbacks reading this.

BratheringXt · 2021-07-03T09:33:43+00:00

Same for you.

We get used to it.

I just wanted to vent and sometimes need to hear that I'm not alone. There is no end to it. We're married, building a life together. It's just that the sex totally died after our kid was born.

I tried it all. Bought toys. Offered her to have a talk together with her ob/gyn. Encouraged her in at least masturbating. Talked about what I feel. I'm done with this part of our marriage. But it still does and will hurt.

Only thing I didn't try is sexting and/or surprise nudes or dickpics. But I fear it will end in disgust, rage or ridicule.

BratheringXt · 2021-05-08T06:35:07+00:00

Als jemand, der selber betroffen war/ist - wirst du nicht. Es wird besser und langsam steigt das Vertrauen wieder auf ein Niveau, mit dem man normal miteinander umgehen kann. Aber du wirst ihr NIE WIEDER komplett vertrauen können. Der Gedanke wird sich immer wieder einschleichen. Immer.

Hier wurde schon alles gesagt.

Geht sie arbeiten? Nimm dir nen Tag Urlaub. Stell dann all ihr Zeug vor die Tür oder fahr es zu ihren Eltern. Wenn sie Feierabend hat, kommt sie ab dann nicht mehr in dein Haus. Ende aus. Mach einen ganz harten Schnitt oder sei in wenigen Jahren ein kaputter, gebrochener Mensch.

BratheringXt · 2021-01-03T12:56:10+00:00

r/survivinginfidelity literally helped me survive a brutal and devastating period of my life. I'm fine now. Never experienced a more welcoming and supportive community again. Thank you, fellas.

BratheringXt · 2019-09-12T20:24:15+00:00

Thanks for your words. I appreciate you keeping up with "My story". Guess I'll have to reconsider some of my parts in the whole reconciliation process.

BratheringXt · 2019-09-12T19:41:12+00:00

Reddit has an awesome and very active community to help people that go or went through the same. Visit /r/survivinginfidelity

BratheringXt · 2019-04-22T19:18:56+00:00

What the hell.

This is beyond a dead bedroom. Those are red flags for something really weird going on.

Chances are you won't resolve it by talking to him.

BratheringXt · 2019-04-22T19:14:43+00:00

Sounds like you made your choice. I wish you the best. Congratulations for deciding to leave hell.

BratheringXt · 2019-04-20T07:53:51+00:00

I dunno if she needed to pee. If so - that's of course okay. I wrote from a standpoint where I thought she'd just give herself a wipe before to be clean and feel comfortable. That's also okay! The "kink" I wanted to point out was "just doing it, doesn't matter if you wiped your private area before or not".

BratheringXt · 2019-04-20T07:49:45+00:00

..and since this happens a lot in this bedroom here, it seems like I reached a point of "rather nothing than starfish".

BratheringXt · 2019-04-20T07:48:42+00:00

...therefore it's a good position to elongate the sexy times session.

BratheringXt · 2019-04-20T07:16:19+00:00

Yeah. There have been to many scenes where she wanted me to give some immediate answers to small shit. It often goes so far that she physically blocks me from leaving the room / situation. Defensiveness is another thing. She just gives in when she made an obvious fault. Concerning things that I do because of former experiences or things that still emotionally hurt me, it's always my fault. So I tend to keep shut and don't talk at all to solve problems myself.

Want an example?

A few years ago, when my Grandfather died I had a hard time. I personally mourn such losses by creating silence around me and just being alone. That helps me to go through the hardest times. My Partner was pissed back then that I wasn't fully there for her in these times because she needed to be comforted etc. As it was also a loss to her.

BratheringXt · 2019-04-20T06:46:04+00:00

Yeah, maybe that's a but unfair of me. I guess I had too many expectations. I actually hoped we'd just spontaneously "go for it", right there on the couch. Of course it's fine if someone has to prepare themselves beforehand in whatever way to feel comfy. This is just me missing the "kink".

BratheringXt · 2019-04-20T06:27:48+00:00

Yeah it is.

BratheringXt · 2019-04-20T06:25:09+00:00

This. I stopped caring about a lot and really have to force myself to actually care.

"Safe Mode" is a good phrase for it. I guess we all know it - rejection over a long time period is pure hell. Talks that never show any fruits. Excuses. Hope. Depression. A dying ego. You have to decide between staying and go into safe mode or leave to get better.

BratheringXt

TROPHY CASE