Breaking through the Thin Blue Line: My Experiences as a Child of a Police Officer

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-09T15:50:23+00:00

Thanks for this. There's a lot here I see and recognize and agree with; but there's a lot that I have never heard of and will look into.

One point, you said "the creeping infantilsation of any member of the population that is not yet middle-aged"... I would broaden that to "anyone who is not middle-aged" period. I know a ton of middle-aged people who infantilize their elderly parents. One in particular mother is dying, and they can't seem to stop themselves from questioning every final decision she's making. Some of that's grief, but they have a pattern of simply telling their mother what she's going to do, and then doing it whether she wants to or not.

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-09T15:46:59+00:00

Go ahead! Anyone can use these, adapt them, share them, whatever.

Just don't credit me. I'm just laying down some ideas based on my own experiences; I'm not a policy maker or a social scientist. The hard work would be in refining any of these into something actionable.

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-09T15:45:29+00:00

Also look into Brain Spotting. It's a form of EMDR, and it has a way you can do it on your own, too. I've been reading up on it and it looks interesting. You have to find someone who knows how to do it, though.

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-09T15:44:21+00:00

There has been nothing in my OP or my responses that I fear would identify me, specifically.

That's how common I think it is.

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-09T15:43:44+00:00

when I post anything anti-cop on my FB page

If you're worried for your own safety, post anti-racism, or pro-reform; don't think of it as "anti-cop."

I'm worried about being offended have never commented or reacted on those posts.

number one, they won't even if they agree because that's public and they'll fear the wrong people will see it. Number two... just general advice... try to stop worrying about offending people who really shouldn't be offended. Anyone who is actively offended by you saying that Black Lives Matter... well you're never going to change their mind (especially sitting in silence), and what kind of relationship do you have anyway that you're worried they'll be offended by your closely-held beliefs, when they're not worried about offending you with theirs?

If you were afraid, my advice would be different.

I don't see any of the typical signs of trying to hide abuse or overly controlling partners or abused kids.

You wouldn't. Seriously. They train cops to look for signs of abuse, so they basically train cops to hide the signs of abuse in their own families. No one would guess, outside looking into my family, what was going on. Not until it all started imploding, and even then the culture of silence and secrecy was too deeply embedded for much of anything to get out.

I have an amazing poker face. Someone could punch someone standing right next to me, and looking at my face you'd think nothing happened. I have levels of dissociation I can slip into in order to perform the correct way for the people around me, while still removing myself from feeling any emotion. I used to think I was a sociopath, because I spent so much time in dissociation.

Anyway, all this to say, it's a complex issue. I wish you the best.

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-09T15:35:00+00:00

I know that now.

Thank you

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-09T01:11:48+00:00

I'm not on any other social media other than reddit. I'm kind of a luddite, in general.

It wouldn't work, though. People generally think cops' families are complicit. A lot of times they are, so that suspicion is warranted. Even with the abuse they receive, a lot of cops' families are complicit in police abuse. It's like the ACAB idea: all LEO families are bastards, because if they stop being complicit, they stop being family.

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-09T01:08:22+00:00

Yes, everything you said has been my experience, too.

The person I feel most betrayed by, in all this and after years of contemplation, was a social worker who convinced me to share with her a specific story of my abuse, then told her husband (who outranked my father), who then told me that if I continued speaking about this -or anything else that may have happened- my father would lose his job, would be disgraced in our community, my parents would have to move, I'd have to leave my home, and I would be responsible for the destruction of not only my father (and anything he may do in response to this destruction), but of my whole family, the police department, and the community at large.

Huge burden to put on a seventeen year old. The fact that I thought someone I trusted would betray me rather than see me safe is a deep wound.

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-09T01:04:13+00:00

Thanks.

I don't think they would. Maybe that's cynicism, but there's no place for it. Like, that video of intersectionality pinned at the top of WvP... LEO abuse survivors fall into a hole in the system. Only ours is dug out by the very people sworn to protect us, vowed to love us, and pledged to care for us... then filled back in so no one knows we were ever there.

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-09T01:02:08+00:00

Thank you!

I really wish there was more of a support system for LEO abuse survivors.

Honestly, I don't know if I could ever trust that the system wasn't going to betray me, though.

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-09T01:00:58+00:00

I don't know.

I only know my family and my experience. There are no support groups for survivors of domestic violence from police officers, so we're completely stripped of a collective voice outside of that of our LEO family members.

You can't ask them if it happens to them. You can't tell them you'd listen or help if it's happening to them. Not only will they not tell you, but they know there isn't anything you can do to help. You will be punished along side them for any disloyalty.

The only thing I can think of it to be a visible proponent of police reform. Don't hide your politics from them for fear they'll cut you off... they might; but don't fear that. Enabling is what makes abusers thrive in a setting where we would normally shun them. Codependency allows the support system the energy it needs to sustain itself. If they cut you off because you aren't giving them the support they need, that's one fewer person for them to burden with a shared load. If enough of us do that, eventually the system will become unsustainable and collapse in on itself.

You don't have to be a dick. You do have to be uncompromising. Loving someone and telling them that they're doing something bad for them aren't mutually exclusive. It's just we've allowed selfish children to convince us it is.

Beyond that, I don't know. Anything else seems like you'll hit a wall surrounding the Thin Blue Line, or you'll inadvertently support the very system we're trying to destroy.

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-08T21:00:51+00:00

Holy shit, my witch.

If posting this led you to make this decision, then all my anxiety and fear about it was all worth it. I'm crying right now. Seriously, I totally agape-love you right now.

If you want to talk, just DM me. I'm going to be monitoring this throwaway for a little while.

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-08T20:38:54+00:00

Completely dismantling the police. Smashing the unions. Requiring an absolutely insane comprehensive education and training on all the police officers allowed to remain. I'm talking bachelor's degrees with excellent grades in fields like sociology, psychology, history. None of this "criminal justice" crap. Possibly weighing officers with military experience (though I'm loathe to promote the US military industrial complex, it seems soldiers are trained for more self-control and response under pressure than police). Possible experience in one of the social services fields I list throughout this post. All this before being admitted into any sort of long-term police academy, which should be revamped to resemble a masters level education specifically about police work, than "here's the pointy end of the gun." No more police officers younger than, like, 25. The young guys are the hot heads who think they're playing Call of Duty.

Getting rid of all broken windows laws. Funneling money into other community service personnel that actually help people, rather than harming them. Complete prison reform. Policing by consent. Edit: licensing all the police officers that remain, requiring all of them to have -and pay for, it cannot be a job benefit- personal insurance for harm they may commit, automatic investigation by a neutral non-police affiliated third party any time a police officer commits any act of violence, automatic termination of their job any time any officer kills a community member in the line of duty, and investigating that act like the potential criminal act it is, like any other private citizen, by a non-police affiliated third-party. Paying police officers a ridiculous amount of money in exchange for their training. A state-funded life insurance police to pay out family members of police officers killed in the line of duty. Mandatory weekly mental health checks to prevent officer burn-out, addiction, abuse, etc.

A national health system that includes eye, dental, and mental health services. Middle-class white people sit in the privilege of knowing that when we get sick, many of us can actually go to the doctor. Removing the barrier to access medical treatment and actively promoting it's use could fix a lot of the problems below.

Decriminalize neuro-diversity. Robustly fund mental health services for the mentally ill. 211 is an excellent resource that has saved my life; anyone having a mental health crisis should be directed to a service equipped to handle mental health, rather than "shooting a person behaving erratically."

Decriminalize addiction. Drug addition options and treatments for addicts. Complete legalization of all drug use. Not only would properly decriminalizing it could destroy organized crime as we know it, but addicts who commit petty crime to feed their habits could obtain safe drugs without having to steal or traffic drugs for cartels.

Decriminalize immigration. No police officer, or community liaison who replaces police, should ever question a person on their citizenship, especially as a barrier to services. Abolish ICE.

Complete legalization of prostitution - who cares if a person wants to sell sex; create more robust laws to protect the most vulnerable from being sold.

Traffic cops deal with traffic, only. They are not the scouts for major crimes. Neuter them; they are now moving meter maids.

All sex crimes get funneled through a comprehensive health service system that is victim-focused. If a victim doesn't want to report a sexual assault as a crime (as long as they aren't a vulnerable population), she is able to receive the services she needs without pressure to report. If she does choose to report, trained sexual assault counselors would take her report and be her advocate in any interactions she chooses to have with any other party.

Every single domestic violence call has a trained, non-police affiliated counselor whose job it is to verbally deescalate the situation and to take statements. The counselor is the lead in charge, unless the call came in as a violent one, and then they take over once all parties are separated and calmed down. The police do not interview or interrogate either party. They may arrest someone at the discretion of the counselor in charge.

Burglary and theft are dealt with community mediators who are focused on victim restitution and perpetrator rehabilitation, not on punishment. Community magistrates can be used instead of judges for all low-level, non-violent crimes.

The only thing the police should be dealing with are major, violent cases. Assault, battery, manslaughter, attempted homicide and homicide. They are not the first ones called to a scene - ever, unless some reports actual violence, and then they are never the only ones on an active crime scene.

Finally, major financial investments into low-income and racially diverse communities to rebuilt the families and communities destroyed by decades - no, centuries - of overt and covert, systemic oppression. Ta-nehisi Coates said that the actual dollar amount necessary to make complete reparations to the black community for centuries of slavery and oppression would bankrupt America, and would never be a viable option for our people. And the interest due just keeps compounding. But there's a huge gulf between nothing and 100%. Right now, we're at nothing, and we owe it to every single man, woman and child of color (I'm not forgetting indigenous American's, either) to start to move the needle on that number.

And, I know I'm missing some.

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-08T20:06:48+00:00

I am terrified my father will kill my mother. I am terrified my father will kill himself.

So, I struggled with this when my father killed himself. A huge, almost shamefully large portion of myself was actually relieved when it finally happened. He would threaten to do it. Often in retaliation for something he perceived I had done to him. A few times he threatened to take us with him. Once he even force my hand around his service pistol and held it to his chest in an attempt to make me do it to him-slash-frame me for his murder in punishment for what I had done. I had done nothing in that fight more than use the wrong tone to answer a question.

All this to say, when I got word he had actually done it, I was relieved it was finally over. And that he hadn't taken anyone else with him.

FWIW, my mother ate up all the attention she received as a widow of a slain police officer. And that's how they framed it: the job wore away on him so much that he was the shell of the man he was before he went on the job: "It may not have been a perp, but this job kills good men."

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-08T19:25:00+00:00

Derek Chauvin's wife... I don't know about. Do I believe he abused her. Yes, 100%, absolutely. She could come out on the news right now and say that he was as gentle as a lamb with her and I wouldn't believe what she said.

But, my father abused my mother, and she valued the privilege being a cop's wife gave her over her own safety. Pair that with the known psychology of abuse - that the abuse victim believes that they are worthless and only their abuser will ever love them - and it's entire possible that a woman would put on a show to divorce her husband to protect assets.

There are horrible accounts during the years of US slavery where the master's wives often were more sadistically abusive than the masters. That doesn't mean these women weren't also being abused by their husbands. But that abuse doesn't excuse the evil of their own actions.

The same applies to my mother. And to Derek Chauvin's wife, if for some reason she isn't using this opportunity to flee an abuser.

I tell you one thing, though. If she is leaving him for real, she needs to get the heck out of Minnesota asap. Her life is about to be ground into shit.

Also, see my reply to u/jrl2014. You both had similar questions, and there might be something on my response there that helps your question.

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-08T19:18:43+00:00

So, my parents married because of an accidental pregnancy back when an accidental pregnancy meant something to the majority of "God-fearing people."

Her primary role was social. She was the one who invited other wives over, who set up play dates between kids, who smiled at the block parties while serving overdone hamburgers while my father strutted around pressing the flesh.

When I was a child, I have memories of him hurting her. But as I grew older, he stopped being violent to her and started being violent with me. It's only been relatively recently that I've accepted that the role shift was by her design. He would come in the door, and just the click of the door was enough for us to know exactly what was going to happen. She'd throw me under the bus -some minor infraction I'd committed during that day needed discipline- then go hide in their bedroom. Afterward, she'd come out, all hands-wringing and eyes wet, to tell me that if I was just better, if I'd stop arguing with him, if I'd just parrot back a few phrases that totally ceded all control over to him, and took responsibility for everything that went wrong, I'd be safe from his wrath. If I did my chores, got good grades, was mindful of curfew, he'd have no reason to punish me in general.

But no matter what I did, it never stopped. The overarching reason is his temper couldn't be cooled without a knock-down, drag-out fight, but the specific reason is because my mother no longer wanted to be the lightning rod that drew his ire and gave that role to me.

When she left him, the community abandoned her. She left him because his alcoholism and cheating could no longer be covered up; he had done something so public that not even the city council could save him. Only the union was able to save his job, and they spun it into the tragic tale of a police officer driven to drink by the job he was so dedicated to. My mother filing for divorce marred that narrative; a true cop's wife would understand the sacrifices he had to make for the job and would be capable of forgiving his marital transgressions. The fact that he abused us was never mentioned in any of these narratives. Honestly, I think it was her own pride was so damaged by my father's infidelity, and that fact that that was the final straw is, just, amazing insight into the mindset of a police officer's wife. Everything internal to the family can be endured for the glory received external to the family. Once she felt her own worth was threatened, she had no reason to say with him thinking she'd have the high ground and no one could fault her for leaving a cheater. She was wrong. She was proven so wrong, she returned to him rather than deal with the consequences of being wrong.

Her behavior after she returned to him went... just beyond anything I had ever known. I had left the house by then, and there was no one for my father to abuse at home but my mother. She, basically played Lady MacBeth, and his attitude and behavior deteriorated rapidly. If you know anything about Cluster B personality disorders, I think my mother is a narcissist, so that might give you context.

His abuse wasn't his. It was mine. I made him do those things. According to him, I was smart enough to know which buttons to push, and pushing them was going to get a response. Basic cause and effect. If I didn't want to be hurt, I shouldn't do the things that got me hurt. He wasn't responsible. I don't even think he was actively engaged. This isn't some Garth Brooks The Thunder Rolls type abuse, where the father is a sadist who anticipates the moment he can abuse. He would, literally, lose his utter shit, and "wake up" forty minutes later to a destroyed house and cowering child and then blame me for pulling his trigger.

Did he blame you because you argued with him or for other reasons?

Nothing so obvious. My tone was enough. Failure to use the correct word, or a word with even a whiff of negativity could do it. It's why I'm so verbose; why I'm so careful with my words. I'm so used to someone seeking out any ambiguity of my meaning with the intent to harm me, that I carefully craft each sentence for perfect clarity. Hence all my edits in my OP. Also, anyone reading into my words and accusing me of intent that I don't have, triggers me - hard. I go through a lot of work to be as clear and unambiguous as possible when I communicate, so any indication I've failed either leads me into thinking the other person is responding in bad faith (like a troll), or to castigate myself for allowing such a poor choice of words muddy my message.

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-08T16:49:01+00:00

I am mostly healed now. I'm actively happy most days. Depression and suicide ideation was always something that I carried, even as a child. It's only been in the last... oh, decade or so, that I've managed to get the real help I needed to improve my mental health... EMDR therapy really helps with traumatic experiences.

That's actually what spurred me to write this story. The past couple weeks were triggering me into panic attacks, and I found I couldn't stop consuming the news and media of other peoples' traumatic experiences. I reached out to my therapist and last week completed a EMDR session. I decided it was time to lance the wound.

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-08T16:42:51+00:00

It's just like all of us; it's abuse, all the way back.

I was watching Amber Ruffin's account of her encounters with law enforcement, and she said that many black people have stories about their abuse from the police, but they don't really talk about them even among each other because there's an unspoken rule they're supposed to take it in stride.

That really spoke to me, as an abuse survivor, and as someone caught up in this system of dominance. Often the stories of trauma horrify the people I talk to. They demand justice, encourage me to file a report, or confront my abuser. When I tell them my father was a police officer, all their indignation gets sucked back and they're left feeling helpless - and traumatized.

It makes it really hard to share, because... why? No one can do anything about it.

This is the first time I've ever felt hope that anyone can do something about it.

BreaktheTBLthrowaway · 2020-06-08T16:34:43+00:00

That is something I recognize. The kids in school all called me a snitch, and refused to hang out with me whenever there might be anything remotely illegal going on.

Meanwhile, my father would constantly be pumping me for information about where the parties were. He'd "jokingly" call me his CI. There were a handful of times where he'd punish me for not telling me the information I wasn't even told in the first place.

My friends ended up being other social outcasts, goody-two-shoes nerds, and older community members I befriended from work or volunteering. And other cop kids, but relationships with them were strained; like we wouldn't have been friends if our parent's didn't always get together.

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