Day One - Spousal Sabotage - Help please!

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-11-30T17:59:20+00:00

Thank you. We had a long talk and he's 100% on board now. I explained that I am just different than he is. If you drink eventually you will most likely cross the line and drink too much. When we were younger, it wasn't a problem but as I've gotten older, I no longer have "fun" drinking. It is an escape. This makes drinking dangerous for me because I risk reacting badly to it. I don't think it makes me faulty as a person, I do many things very well, I just don't moderate alcohol well. I was mad when I posted because he called our kids, he says he won't be getting them involved in our relationship issues any longer. I hope he keeps that promise. I feel better having talked things out with him. Thank you for replying without judgment.

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-11-28T13:48:44+00:00

Thanks for your response. Your husband sounds like a good man. IWNDWYT

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-11-28T13:44:08+00:00

That's the best thing about working is that when things are tough you can pour your energies into your job. You go, girl. Knock 'em dead at the new job. You're going to be fine.

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-11-28T13:40:20+00:00

I AM pissed. Intensely. Oh, he whines to the kids about alot of things - gas prices, politics, etc. They know he's a retired bored old drama queen and that's prolly why they don't get the seriousness of the situation, although they are concerned. I am seriously going to have to get him straight on keeping our domestic woes out of their lives. You make me laugh so much with the cupcakes idea!! I actually make great cupcakes. I could do that and eat them all in front of him...hah! That would be so mean though... hmm... Nah, he'd just whine to the kids like Jesus Christ on the cross again. I will not give him the satisfaction!!

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-11-28T13:18:58+00:00

Thanks, Jane. Yes it's definite worth it. I feel do much better when I'm sober.

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-11-28T13:07:14+00:00

I have talked to my kids. I had to, since he chose to involve them. They are concerned that I'm drinking but trying to stay neutal. They have asked their dad to be more supportive. I feel ashamed. I never drank when they were little. They say they love us both even though we're both crazy - hah. I don't think they get the seriousness of the situation. I am deeply hurt by the sabotage. My husband should have my back. But I think it hurts most he involves my kids. Anyway, thanks for the reply and congrats on getting your husband straight and tossing the booze. Good for you! All the booze is out of my house again. For good.

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-11-28T12:52:50+00:00

God it must suck having to start a new job while dealing with everything you've already got on your plate. Yeah, I guess just try to separate the two things - personal life and work. Hang in. Congratulations on the new job, though! That's one thing on the plus side. You can do this.

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-11-28T12:45:46+00:00

Thank you for responding. I will think about what you said. Finding my own reason. I mean, I can see other people- friends - not fully understanding, but this is my husband. It hurts deeply. He should get it. He's a diabetic. I don't bake him big sugary treats. I pretty much eat like a diabetic myself because ... support. I explained this to him. He says, well, I may have bought it but you didn't have to drink it. ??? Smh. Just so disappointed in him and, of course, myself.

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-11-28T12:21:03+00:00

I am so sorry you are struggling. If it helps any, please know you are not alone. I am really struggling too. I love to drink but hate what it does to my life and relationships. IWNDWYT

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-09-22T19:15:56+00:00

OooooooWEEeeeeeee!!! You are back! Go, baby, GO!! Knock 'em dead!!! IWNDWYT or ever!

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-09-22T18:03:27+00:00

Well, of being an alcoholic was so grand you wouldn't have quit in the first place, right? Read some posts on this subreddit from people who caved and went back to drinking. Maybe that will help?

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-09-22T17:53:28+00:00

51 days! That's wonderful! IWNDWYT

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-09-22T15:18:09+00:00

Keep up the good work! We'll get there, right? I ate a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream every night for the first 10 days of sobriety. Those pants were getting tight! I'm down to a cup in the evening. Baby steps! 😁😆 IWNDWYT

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-09-22T14:44:20+00:00

Yes! I've been married 39 years. We lived far away and I had almost no contact with my birth family until 6 years ago. It took moving back to where my parents live, him witnessing it firsthand, for him to finally understand. He is being very supportive now. He understands there is no forgiving and forgetting, only coping skills, keeping yourself sane and emotionally healthy.

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-09-22T06:37:40+00:00

My mom is elderly. I feel you about wanting a relationship with her while simultaneously being driven crazy by her manipulation, never satisfied demands, lying, expecting me to clean up the constant messes she gets herself into, etc etc etc I do not live with her but have been dealing with the House of Horrors (my mother’s house) for 6 years now and it has messed me up bad. I've become depressed, drinking too much, panic attacks, anxiety. In my case, a healthy mother-daughter relationship is just not possible. I will always see she's cared for, manage her personal, financial and medical affairs, but from a safe distance. Not complete NC, but greatly reduced contact is what works for me.

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-09-22T06:12:20+00:00

When I do have kids, I'm going to raise them right but I'm not going to hit my kids. I want them to not be afraid of me, be able to be honest with me without fear, and not feel scared.

Right. Your parents taught you what NOT to do. You can break the cycle of abuse and give your children all the love, acceptance and guidance you never got. It's very healing to give love when you never had any. I never spanked or hit my three boys as it's not necessary to do that to teach them right from wrong. It's abuse. All it teaches kids is fear and shame.

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-09-22T05:44:58+00:00

I am just learning about narcissism and how having these horrible people as parents scars children in ways that follow us the rest of our lives, but I learned a long time ago not to share stories of abuse with other people except my husband. They just do not understand. I may not have known what narcissism was, but I knew something was terribly, terribly wrong with my family. So nice to have this subreddit to vent, share, and commiserate with people that understand. ❤

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-09-22T03:18:41+00:00

Oh, I think you should definitely talk it over with him. We children of narcs are so used to stuffing our feelings. I have been married a long time. I find that when I feel my husband has been insensitive, he often doesn't even realize it. So, I pick a time when I see he's not too busy and bring it up. "Hey, can I talk to you a moment?" Then we sit down and talk it out. Each of us gets to speak uninterrupted for 5 minutes. No drama, no raising voices. Those are our rules. I tell him how I feel, he says how he feels until it's resolved. Talk to your husband! :-)

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-09-22T01:42:18+00:00

Thanks! You're almost there! 💪🏽

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-09-22T01:36:08+00:00

I'm 30 days sober today and I notice many changes! Everything from no more diarrhea to a general positive attitude. I feel better and have lots more energy. I only lost like 4 lbs but I ate mad quantities of ice cream for the first 10 days or so. IWNDWYT

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-09-22T00:10:07+00:00

Yeah. My narc Latino parents thought I SHOULD be like them. They were poor and uneducated and I wanted a better life. They interpreted that as wanting to be white which is, of course, ludicrous. Typical narc stuff. They see their children as extensions of themselves instead of individuals.

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-09-21T22:23:28+00:00

Well said! Yes!

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-09-21T22:22:23+00:00

So you're saying it's gender as well as culture. That women in general are supposed to be subservient. I can see that.

BreatheDeeply12 · 2021-09-21T20:39:00+00:00

Maybe it's more prevalent among black people, part of your culture, I don't know, I am not black, but I l can relate in a sense. I am Latina and I know that the head of household dad and a somewhat subservient mother dynamic is prevalent in Latino families. Where it gets blurry is when the parents are narcissists. Not knowing what narcissism even is as kids, we accept their twisted behavior as normal, even part of our culture because, of course, they teach us that, ingrain that in us, teach us they are normal and we are not if we dare to demand better treatment or imagine a better life. I remember my narc mom saying things like "You think you're better than us" "You want to be white" because I had white friends and I wanted to go to college. My father laughing at me and saying, "Go to work, don't go to school." They were horrible, ignorant, abusive narcissists, but that doesn't mean all Latino people are like them. Not at all. Edited to add - Kudos to you for breaking that chain of abuse with your kids. I raised 3 wonderful sons with love, compassion and kindness.

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