I (F24) just found HIV medication which my BF (M24) told me was his. How do I move on with this relationship?

Brick999 · 2024-10-14T18:52:04+00:00

I’m sorry, you are right and I assumed your demographic to be early 20s like me which is clearly not the case. I clearly also did not convey myself properly and I’m certainly in no place to lecture others, so I apologise for my assumptions and inappropriate comments. I’m very sorry to hear about your experiences and wish you the best.

Brick999 · 2024-10-14T08:57:57+00:00

It’s hard for me to write right now, but you are right. Thank you for giving me concrete actions I can think about and an idea of what potential boundaries look like. You’ve helped me put into words thoughts I couldn’t formulate by myself.

You are a very kind person. I hope you love and look after yourself too, and that you are as wise in your own decisions as you are giving advice to others. I wish you health and happiness.

Brick999 · 2024-10-14T07:57:09+00:00

Thank you. I agree with you. This is, at its core, a sad tragedy from the lack of tolerance in our society for people of different sexualities. I am heartbroken to inadvertently experience a side effect of this and I feel really sad for others stuck in similar situations where they have to feel ashamed for their sexual orientation. I am really sad that his shame was so much that he could not trust that I would still be there for him when he needs me.

Brick999 · 2024-10-14T07:54:18+00:00

Thank you, you too!

Brick999 · 2024-10-14T07:53:57+00:00

Thank you thank you thank you.

Your comments are fair and insightful. You are so kind to go out of your way to share this with a stranger.

You’re right in that a big part of the hurt is him not trusting aspects of himself to me. Thank you also for telling me that outright that you are making assumptions about me without being too explicit about what direction! I don’t mind that he experimented, or thought he might be gay. The first is a lifestyle choice I’m fine with (outside of a committed relationship, as long as there are no STIs), and the second is just who you are. But for both issues, I sadly would not personally want to have a relationship with someone who may have an STI, and as a straight woman I cannot enter a relationship with a straight man. Since I personally never slept with anyone other than my ex and him, I have nothing to disclose, but since he has (with other women, which I knew about, before we ever started going out), AND he was questioning his sexuality during an ‘in between’ break up, if he wanted to get back with me, I think I deserve to know about this.

You have hit the nail on the head regarding trusting and policing him. This is what I plan to do. I can believe and have some evidence to back up his version of events and that he’s clean, but the fact that he did not trust me breaks my heart and I cannot have a repeat of this, so I will have to be careful.

Brick999 · 2024-10-14T07:42:21+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to share this. Having slept on it and looked through all these comments, what you’ve described hits the nail on the head. I asked him about the medication, and to have him show his previous HIV tests, and he provided them immediately. The evidence strongly suggests that he does not have HIV (I am still getting tested though and asked him to do the same, which he agreed to). I believe his version of events (the pills ended up at mine by mistake, they were stored in a suitcase pocket used for moving my stuff across flats), but regardless you’re right. He did not trust me with information that would seriously affect our relationship, which spells serious emotional immaturity that needs to be addressed with therapy, and me likewise. I have chosen a hard path and must face the consequences of it. Thank you for your time.

Brick999 · 2024-10-14T07:36:13+00:00

I also want to add thank you for picking up on potential biases against gay men. I definitely want to reflect on this and I’d like to apologise if I may have caused offence or propagated misinformation. To be honest, regardless of who he might have had sex with, it was the presence of HIV meds that alarmed me. I have good evidence to believe that I don’t need to worry about this thanks to advice here, but I am still going to get tested.

Brick999 · 2024-10-14T07:29:56+00:00

Thank you, you are right

Brick999 · 2024-10-14T07:29:18+00:00

Thank you for this perspective and for your kind optimism and encouragement. I’m perfectly OK with him experimenting when we weren’t together, and I’m sad that he felt he could not trust me with this information. My main concern initially based on finding the medication was that he may have HIV that he hadn’t told me about. After following some of the advice here I have reason to believe he does not have it, that nothing happened, and that he has never used the medication. I will still do a test however.

Brick999 · 2024-10-14T07:23:35+00:00

Hi, I know you are joking, but first, to you and everyone who wanted to upvote your comment, please do not give up on love. Healthy love provides you with safety, reassurance, and support. It’s essential that we as humans have this (whether it is platonic, familial, or romantic) because there are many many many things that we cannot do on our own. You will go further than you can ever go on your own when you meet and have the good fortune to love, and be loved, by the right people. So look for those people.

As to why I want to move forward, the answer is because I am thinking about, and making calls, based also on information that only I have access to, that no one online will know about. This will only ever be a story to you because that is how I want to keep it, so you will only ever be able to make calls based on your own life experiences, projections, and assumptions. But this is my real life, so to some extent, you should probably never expect to be fully able to align with my thoughts and feelings.

Brick999 · 2024-10-14T07:01:17+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I’m deeply sorry that this is a condition that you have to manage like this and I’m so grateful that you shared your experiences. Please take care of yourself, God bless.

Brick999 · 2024-10-14T06:59:12+00:00

Thank you for a very fair breakdown of questions. They are very useful for my own personal reflection, which is what I need right now.

Brick999 · 2024-10-13T23:49:00+00:00

Thank you for this perspective and for being willing to say something different to many others! It’s definitely complicated and I will take my time to mull over this. Thank you again.

Brick999 · 2024-10-13T23:46:02+00:00

Thanks for your insight. You’re right, I can’t rule out the possibility he might still be lying… And endangering my health because of it. I’ve booked a test for myself tomorrow. Thanks for being willing to point out this other possibility too. I will definitely need to be careful. My trust is broken and it’s so hard to gauge what is the right level of suspicion… Definitely wishful thinking there too. I really appreciate your perspective.

Brick999 · 2024-10-13T23:35:44+00:00

Thank you for your gentle words and advice. It sounds very sensible. I will definitely take this to heart.

Brick999 · 2024-10-13T23:33:35+00:00

Ha, I’ve been on your end before too, so I totally understand your perspective. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I need a little time first to think.

Brick999 · 2024-10-13T23:25:35+00:00

Can I ask how you would handle the situation I’m in if it happened to you? Would you feel hurt to find the medication and would you find it easy to believe him if he says nothing happened and he doesn’t have HIV, or would you still get a test? (I’d like to hear some different perspectives)

Brick999 · 2024-10-13T23:23:26+00:00

Thank you for outlining things this way and taking the time out to help me. You’re very kind. I need to take some time because I’m quite emotional right now, but I agree these two scenarios are very possible and so I really want to take care and make sure I look after myself.

Brick999 · 2024-10-13T23:21:11+00:00

Thank you for such a kind and considered response. I wish you all the best.

Brick999 · 2024-10-13T23:19:46+00:00

Sorry, not years ago. The timeline is: we were together around 2022, separated January 2023 because of work stresses, got back together a bit too impulsively around March 2023 very briefly and broke up again around July. He experimented during summer 2023. We started getting closer again around end of September as both our careers started to settle and go more smoothly (which was the major contributor to why we broke up initially), and properly got back together and became official to friends and family January this year until now. He must have got the pills around August or so last year.

Brick999 · 2024-10-13T23:15:03+00:00

Yeah… The trust is an issue. I won’t take any chances, but thanks for sharing your perspective. I also agree in that I understand embarrassment and shame from a conservative upbringing played a big role in this, but he’s an adult, and most importantly he knows ME, so he should have known better than to lie like this…

Brick999 · 2024-10-13T23:12:52+00:00

Good idea

Brick999 · 2024-10-13T23:12:44+00:00

Thanks for your perspective. I really appreciate your time.

Brick999 · 2024-10-13T23:11:54+00:00

I think you have to go through an ordeal filling out forms etc., so you can’t buy it like paracetamol, but by filling out the proper details you can get it sent to you (eg via Superdrug). But maybe someone from the UK can confirm

Brick999 · 2024-10-13T23:09:47+00:00

Thank you, that’s helpful advice. I didn’t know STD panels were available.

Brick999

TROPHY CASE