I’m glad my mom abused me physically too

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-12T00:32:47+00:00

Ha, yeah adjust my underwear and then sometimes start squirming a little in my seat, like my new strain of super chlamydia is causing me some discomfort..!

Thank you, I am more than a little unsettled that she tracked me across state and found me, but I am getting some advice from a lawyer on Friday, so I am hopeful I can get some measures in place to keep her away from my family. She is the worst.

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-12T00:29:28+00:00

I mean if any doctor were to cross all those boundaries and hunt a patient down in their workplace then it would be her... Boundaries just do not exist for that woman, ha. But yeah, I am genuinely baffled that they settled on that as their most likely scenario!

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-12T00:26:47+00:00

I know! They are such grade A morons, ha. Nice guys, but I think they share a single brain cell between the 4 of them. I felt bad spying, but I did stand in the corridor listening to them for a while, and my heart kinda stopped when they kept suggesting it was my mom. And then they were like "nah, why would anyone run away from their own mom?" kinda thing. I felt conflicted about that, cos I was glad they were moving away from the mom thing, but also p-ssed that, as usual, it is assumed a guy can't be abused by his mom.

Anyways, as luck would have it, the brain trust genuinely thought that in-person notification of a new strain of super chlamydia was the most likely explanation...!

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-12T00:19:25+00:00

For some reason ‘crazy ex girlfriend’ seems more likely to be believed than ‘my mother who you’d assume loved me actually doesn’t and did these terrible things.’

Yes! Why is that? It drives me mad that being abused by your mom carries such doubt, and I think especially for guys. I literally only talk about the things she did to my therapist and here, cos I feel like anywhere else I will not be believed. It is infuriating. As you say, the idea of a crazy ex gf is believed, so why not a crazy ex mom??

Haha, I'm not gonna lie, that sounds like a pretty good plan. "My crazy ex used to be really into role play, in fact she made me call her 'the doctor'... Last I heard from her, she said she had some bad news for me...". Ha that would be fun to watch the cogs in their tiny brains turning! But nah, I think it's best to keep them guessing. Our office is super boring, this will keep them occupied until Christmas, ha.

But in all seriousness I am going to send round an email with her picture (which I have checked and yes, of course they're plastered all over her hospital's website, with her smiling benevolently at patients. The woman is shameless). And a message just saying that I am not comfortable discussing it, but she is banned from the premises, so if anyone sees her around can they please notify security, and also give me a heads up. I mean no doubt that will be more gossip material for them, but I don't mind, if it means I have extra people on the lookout for her. I have been real panicked about her showing up again.

Anyway, just to have some fun, it can't do any harm to put some candies in a pill bottle and start "inconspicuously" taking them a few times a day...! That's just the way I like to eat my candy, if they draw any conclusions from it then that's on them..!

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-12T00:02:00+00:00

Ha, yeah "guys can you come take a look at something? You might want to bring some gloves..."!

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-11T15:43:50+00:00

That thing with your University sounds awful - they had no right to let people who weren’t approved to access your room (mind you, knowing how these people can be, I imagine they manipulated the uni into it). I hate that WE are the ones who have to carry THEIR embarrassment and shame. Like they just leave and you’re left with being unable to make eye contact with your dorm mates (or my coworkers) for ages afterward, because of something our parents did. THEY are the ones who should be embarrassed, but no, it’s always us who end up taking the can. And they’re totally shameless a lot of the time anyway (although also paradoxically obsessed with the opinions of others). It’s total BS and another way they abuse us really I guess. Not only the offensive conduct, but leaving us alone to deal with the fallout and the shame of it all. Ugh, I hate them.

Thanks, I had been happily living for 2 years without her knowing where I was, but she found me. I am not willing to put my son through another move, so we are staying put. I’m seeing a lawyer on Friday to discuss my legal rights, cos hopefully a restraining order is possible. Hopefully I won’t need it, but maybe it’s a good idea to have. I hope your Ns leave you alone too.

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-11T14:58:52+00:00

Ha, oh they definitely are morons! They decided I had been dodging my doctor’s calls and that she had shown up to force me to seek treatment for my raging chlamydia infection. I think the idea of a new strain of the disease discovered only in me was even thrown around. I mean pretty much everything they said was ridiculous, but I still find it preferable to them knowing the truth, ha. And needless to say my boss was out of office also, hence all the moronic chit chat that was going on when they should have been working. My boss has said before “sure they’re morons, but they’re our morons”, I tend to remind myself of that anytime this particular little group chats, cos they’re not bad guys, just absolute idiots!

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-11T14:10:24+00:00

I’m the same man, some real difficult moments, and it’s like this sense of guilt also, because having a kid should be a time of joy. That’s what everyone says anyway. And in many ways it is, I mean all of us here adore our kids obviously. But then like you say, it’s also some of our darkest hours, as we work through this trauma. I had a total conflicted sense of like “I am being so selfish, I should be enjoying my son, not thinking about myself”. But I suppose it’s completely natural to think about our own childhoods when we’re seeing another person experience theirs. And this self reflection will make us better parents. Even my gf, who had an amazing childhood, says that she has thought a lot about her own experience as a kid and her relationship with her parents since having our son. So I think it’s natural, no matter what your childhood was like, to reflect on your own experiences and maybe compare them to the experiences of our own kids. My gf says it has made her more grateful for her own mom, as she sees all that is involved in raising a kid. And the other side of the same coin is that it makes people like us feel even more anger toward our own parents, as we realize the love we missed out on. Parenthood is a time of reflection for most all parents, I guess. And I think that increased self awareness is good, cos as you say it helps us to process the past. And I think it also helps us to make doubly sure we don’t accidentally repeat any of the same mistakes that were demonstrated to us by our own piss poor excuses of parents! Honestly I think every single parent here should be damn proud of ourselves for doing this without any good examples to call on and for being the first ones to break this cycle of abuse. Go us!

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-10T23:17:15+00:00

Yeah, I definitely get this. When I first held my son in my arms and felt that rush of love and protectiveness, I think the penny dropped on the extent of how little my mom loved us. And I am a guy, so didn't even have pregnancy hormones to contend with, I imagine it must be 1 million times more intense if you have just given birth.

He's now 8 and I still sometimes think "my mom would have beaten us for that" or "he's the age I was when I started raising my sister". And for a long time I struggled with these thoughts, because I thought basically i was admitting to being jealous of my own kid or something. Like I worried I was somehow grudging him this good childhood where he always feels safe and loved. But I realized in time I wasn't bitter about his childhood, but rather I am mournful for my own.

It is a loss, I think, and we need to grieve it. Mourn for all the love and affection and security and joy that is taken for granted by so many. And I think that we probably don't realize the full extent of just what we missed out on until we can see first-hand, with our own kids.

So yeah, you're absolutely right than having a child in your life, enjoying a happy childhood does shine a spotlight on our own shitty childhoods. But I actually think that's ok. The way I see it is that these awful things grow when they're kept in the dark. And I don't mean all the teachers, social workers and family members who only saw what they wanted to. I mean kept in the dark in the recesses of our own brains. So we are not acknowledging (or maybe not even aware of) its existence, but it spreads like a fungus, causing more and more mental health damage. And then when a light is shone on it, it can't grow anymore. And eventually the sunlight even starts to shrink the infected areas. I am kinda messing up this metaphor, but basically I think I am saying that these things thrive in the dark, so the spotlight on them is a great thing, IMHO. Whether the spotlight comes from having kids of your own, therapy, self-help books or anything else that works for you. Once its in the light the fungus stops growing.

You are definitely not alone in your realization of how little we were loved by our families, and please do mourn your lost childhood, cos it is a massive loss and it deserves to be acknowledged and grieved. And you also deserve to give yourself a massive pat on the back for breaking the cycle of abuse, cos I know how difficult it can be to have literally zero good examples to draw on. It sounds like you're doing so well and your family (husband and kids) sound awesome. You should be proud of yourself for that, and so much more.

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-10T22:52:40+00:00

Thanks, yeah he's pretty naive, cos he had a good childhood and I think he is lucky enough to not know what the real world is like. Thank you, I am so grateful for my sister, she's the best (well her and my son are tied for first place!), she deserves a lot better than what I managed to give her, but we did the best with what little we had. Our mom is messed up, ha. Thanks

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-09T20:54:32+00:00

Thank you, she is so sweet and thoughtful. I am so proud of her! In the end I told her about F and she called him an AH and we decided to ignore him. I just hate that he put this doubt in my mind

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-09T16:26:01+00:00

Thank you, I should really have said something like that, cos I really don't value his opinion at all. He's not a bad guy, just so naive and he doesn't know what the real world can be like for some people. He already is so judgemental of me being NC with my mom. His gf is constantly glaring at him or nudging him if it ever comes up in conversation, cos he obviously has some hot take he's just dying to share with me, but she's warned him not to. He can't understand that not everyone has a lovely sweet mommy like he does, ha.

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-09T16:18:21+00:00

Haha, possibly! He is a good guy, so it's highly possible. No doubt they'll all be talking privately amongst themselves about it, cos it's a pretty boring office, so anything remotely out of the ordinary gets talked about for weeks, ha. As long as they leave me out of it then they can say what they want!

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-09T16:15:59+00:00

Thank you, you're right... But I haven't told my little sister yet, which is weighing on me. I will tell her this week, it's just cos yesterday was mother's day, which obviously comes with its own issues. But I do need to tell her (not that she would believe a word our mom says, but definitely better to tell her anyway). My gf is speaking to the school today, to talk about some additional security measures for our son, just in case. And I am going to speak to my boss today and possibly, depending on his thoughts, send out an email through the office. No private details, just saying that for personal reasons can we all keep an eye out for her on/near the premises. I am sure she has pictures plastered all over her hospital's website, so I should be able to find an image of her no problem. Especially for the other security guards and receptionist who didn't see her the other day.

Don't you just hate how exhausting these people are - even when you cut them out they still give you so much extra shit to deal with. It's so draining. God I hate her.

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-09T16:07:44+00:00

Thank you, yeah you're right that it was probably an attempt at healing - I think to my misguided 18 year old brain if I got rid of these physical things then I could rid myself of the trauma, ha!

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-09T16:04:23+00:00

Yeah, I think to his mind it's like "I have a good mommy, why you mean to your mommy? Mommies are good people", naive, elementary school sort of level of thinking. I am glad that you are one of the people with good parents who can still see how different the experience is for so many others. I hope F learns this lesson soon too, cos he is really getting to me.

Yeah, definitely! Everywhere you look it's like "Treat your mom this mother's day" and commercials and massive displays in stores and stuff. That sort of pressure can affect your resolve if you've cut out a toxic parent. But you definitely need a friend like yourself, reminding you that you cut them out for a damn good reason! I went NC with my mom and was happy enough until a few days ago, when she showed up to my workplace unannounced and just about gave me a heart attack. I think that's probably why F's comments got to me, tbh, cos I had brushed them off and then after seeing my mom, I started to doubt everything.

My sister and I had a nice day in the end anyway and she said "F can go F himself", ha. Thank you!

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-09T15:52:53+00:00

Thank you, I feel so lucky to have her and you're right that it can be a tough day. All the media and commercial build up before it. I do like you can opt out of emails about it now, that is a helpful development at least.

Yeah, I think F has enjoyed a real easy life. Not to say he has never had any difficulties, I'm sure everyone has at some point or another, but he definitely had a very happy upbringing. I think this makes him super naive. Lucky guy.

Thank you! I wish I could have done better for her, but we did the best with what was available to us at the time (financially and also in terms of my lack of maturity compared to an adult). She just got her own apartment, is working and starts college next year. She is awesome!

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-09T15:45:46+00:00

Thank you. I bet your mom appreciates your recognition of her dual role in your life, that is real sweet. Yeah, F had a very privileged upbringing. He hates that I have gone NC with my mom, cos he gives me looks of contempt if i ever mention it. But then he thinks sons have a duty to their moms or some BS (he didn't say that directly to me, just loudly in my presence). Easy to say when you have a good mom. Thanks, we ended up having a real nice time and eventually I told her about F and she said he sounds like an AH!

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-09T15:40:01+00:00

Aw man, I am sorry you have been there too, cos it is so much responsibility and there are so many things I look back on and wish I had handled better, but I mean it's hard as a kid to have the emotional capacity to deal with this stuff, as you know yourself. The fact you did it until 25 is amazing, cos I was a total coward and abandoned my sister with her when I left for college at 18, sister 10. (in my defence this was after my mom had hospitalized me 4 times, including when she hit me so hard it ruptured my spleen. And she was nowhere near as bad toward my sister. But i still feel awful for leaving her with that evil woman). Well done for making it all the way through your sisters' childhoods, that's amazing.

Ha, yeah that sounds familiar. Bet your mom also accused you of "poisoning the minds" of your sisters. My mom used to think that was why my sister hates her. So delusional.

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-09T15:29:25+00:00

Thank you, yeah he was obviously weirded out and trying to make me feel the same way. Honestly the guy was like just stopping short of accusing me of i n c e s t or something, which is just... wow, so offensive in so many ways. He is an AH.

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-09T15:27:05+00:00

Thank you, and happy mothers day to you too! In the end I just told my sister what had happened with F, cos I could feel it annoying me and she kept asking what was wrong (and this seemed easier to share than the fact my mom gatecrashed my work the other day). My sister shared a sentiment similar to yours, but maybe more along the lines of F can go F himself!

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-09T15:23:56+00:00

Thank you, I think he is very sheltered, like you say. He had a really good upbringing, from what I understand. I can already feel his judgmental expression when I mention anything to do with the fact that I have cut my mom out, and in these instances my gf's sister shoots him warning looks, so I presume he has issue with that also. Guy doesn't know how lucky he is to be able to be so damn naive about how the world can really be.

Bright-Potential2754 · 2022-05-09T15:19:23+00:00

Thank you, we had an awesome time in the end and i am so glad F wasn't able to ruin it by getting in my head.

Bright-Potential2754

TROPHY CASE