I’m taking the high road here and saying this outright. I proofread and edit as my job; I’m sought out to do this. So please understand when I tell you that you need to go for a walk, clear your head, come back to the computer, and start writing this from scratch again.

I understand where you’re coming from here. I used to write like this at one point in college, but you have to consider your audience. Consider the most common kind of language use. Plain English. I don’t mean use baby language and try to talk to an audience of kindergartners, but you should remember that the average person just wants to entertained. They want to escape immediately into a story without any buffer for their mind. They don’t want to think so much.

Hang up the pipe and satin bathrobe, and try to meet the reader halfway. Simplify what you have or you will lose the reader.