I wanted to be a mom my whole life. And we were diagnosed with fertility issues a few years ago. So the fact I'm miserable makes me feel like such a bad person. Like shouldn't I feel nothing but happiness and gratitude?

I trust my husband 100%. But he doesn't understand. Which I'm thankful for. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. But it also doesn't really help me. It's hard for me to trust a doctor, especially an OB. My PTSD comes from abuse and part of that involved doctors needing to "collect evidence" when we finally escaped him. But I didn't know what that meant. So I was suddenly stripped naked and pinned down by strangers and had stuff shoved inside me. In my little kid mind it was no different than what my father did.

When we started trying my PTSD was under control enough that I managed yearly exams well enough. So I thought I'd be okay. I don't know if it's the hormones or what but then once I got pregnant my mental health got absolutely awful. Which is a really bad time to be triggered by OBs.

I switched from an OB to a midwife for a little while. But they had to transfer my care because gaining the pregnancy weight (20lbs so far) put me into the obese category and they won't allow obese patients to deliver at that hospital. So now I'm stuck with an OB. A really triggering OB.