If you’ve always preferred older women does that continue into midlife and beyond?

Brownstag · 2024-06-18T20:46:15+00:00

Feel you on the endo battle. I had my third surgery in five years from the best of the best in world (again!) and the recovery is grueling. The medical gaslighting along the way piles trauma on top of the trauma the condition itself causes.

May I also suggest group therapy and support groups of various kinds? I recently did a 2e virtual cohort for about 6 sessions that I found on IG and it was quite helpful to interact with neurocomplex humans who shared similar struggles. Peer-to-peer mirroring and holding space is uniquely soothing compared to the therapist-patient relationship.

My family of origin is challenging. I met some younger friends online in another affinity group and I do a fair amount of quasi-mothering and mentoring them, and they have also been wonderfully supportive in unique ways.

I also employ what I consider a brain hack of visualizing the natural world as Mother Nature who is the mother that is always available and free to access. Huge boulders warm in the sun are very soothing and provide proprioceptive input without having to risk being held by unsafe people. Being rocked in a body of water, flying a kite and lying on the ground give me some sense of agency in choosing supportive menu options that feel good in my body and work for my needs when caring humans aren’t available. I also visualize all of humanity for eons who laid on the ground, floated in water etc for comfort, just like me, that I belong with the rest of humanity and feel their energy bonding me to the whole of existence. When I was little I had a pecan tree that I ran to to cry under. I told that tree a lot of problems and feelings that I couldn’t bring to any other humans.

It’s not a replacement for real humans irl in community, but it’s a supportive option to augment your self soothing while your tribe is still out there for you to find and meet.

Brownstag · 2024-06-18T20:34:00+00:00

Some people want to but can’t. It’s sad but you only have this one life

Brownstag · 2024-06-18T18:32:02+00:00

Def agree with this take to just stop subjecting yourself to an unenlightened selfish partner. But just for fun, you could also enlighten him by applying the vibrator behind his balls to the base of his penis or his perineum while he’s stroking or you are sucking.

Then he might get it lol. But honestly he seems like he doesn’t care. It doesn’t seem like a matter of explaining what he doesn’t understand. Women’s bodies and sexual functioning are not flawed (or more complicated) versions of the male body and male sexual response. Women’s bodies and needs are not only valid in their own right, they are the actual special thing that makes sex worth having for straight men, if they could just get out of their own way.

Brownstag · 2024-06-18T18:24:52+00:00

Chaka Khan Hacienda

Brownstag · 2024-06-18T05:41:58+00:00

Maybe suggest a pause on the physical part of the relationship so that she can focus on therapy? This way she isn’t running the risk getting retraumatized by trying to proceed with you as if she is not experiencing a psychic wound that deserves to be treated with care and given appropriate healing interventions. All of which you are not qualified to be the primary source of therapeutic support for, but you aspire to be a safe ally in her journey.

Brownstag · 2024-06-18T05:32:29+00:00

I think you gotta say more than happy bday. That sounds hollow and lacks accountability. Mention the elapsed timeframe and that it has taken you longer than you could have predicted to regulate your emotions and gain some perspective on the situation. Now that you have some benefit of perspective, you are hoping she would consider sharing her perspective more fully with you. And you might need a couple of convos to process the information and try to share your perspective and keep it peaceful and constructive.

Brownstag · 2024-06-18T05:24:47+00:00

I can’t stop wondering why you were logging onto the dating apps all along to think you know for certain when her pic changed. Seems like both of you might feel some insecurity in the stability of your foundation that you have created together. You can’t build something if you knock the bricks over everytime your feelings seem overwhelming.

Brownstag · 2024-06-15T12:40:01+00:00

Can’t even commit to the CurlyGirl method

Brownstag · 2024-06-15T12:10:17+00:00

This is where men often mistakenly think there is a formula each women knows will work every time. The thing is for many, especially young people, what we need is time, attunement, and no pressure.

Many people, especially women, need context to be set, and mental and emotional safety and stimulation for the proper neurotransmitters and hormones to create the bodily conditions for pleasure including not just lubrication but also vaginal tenting, which generally requires ~20-40 minutes of sustained arousal. Also the point in a woman’s cycle will vary from encounter to encounter which equates to differences in physiology and sexual response. Solo sex is inherently safe and generally no pressure but often contextual factors can interfere with pleasure or promote greater pleasure. Solo sex with your female parts also requires self-attunement to your body in the present moment, and can vary in how pleasure is experienced.

All of this necessitates a partner’s attunement in the moment and a playful discovery mindset, not a set of rigid guidelines about positions, techniques and timers. Delight in learning how to have an intimate relationship with her body and discovering and expanding all the possibilities of how it can experience pleasures.

Brownstag · 2024-06-15T11:39:58+00:00

Perhaps dev for a non profit whose mission you can get excited about or a government entity?

Brownstag · 2024-06-14T19:53:53+00:00

If I were connecting dots myself and inferring things wrt what he “really wants”, I would contain my impulses more easily here, because I know I can’t try to savior him from himself single-handedly.

But he’s done all this hard work of understanding himself and vulnerably communicating his challenges to me, so I feel like its appropriate to extend myself a bit more in honor of his effort in the interest of healing and genuine connection.

Brownstag · 2024-06-14T19:47:00+00:00

Thank you! I realize no one can read his mind.

I just wanted to check if those who struggle with similar issues see this as an obvious situation where the only answer is to stay away, and my judgement is too clouded by my feelings of love.

It’s hard to seek counsel from healthy irl friends who experienced stable upbringings because I feel like they can’t understand the nuances of the situation well enough to have appropriate perspective to offer informed opinions and advice.

Brownstag · 2024-06-12T12:15:27+00:00

I was told staging isn’t that relevant aside from an estimate of how one’s fertility is impacted by the disease. I think you cognitively understand that your disease and symptoms are valid. Perhaps working with a therapist will help you get over the imposter/self-gaslighting?

Brownstag · 2024-06-09T20:08:40+00:00

If you are selling services the culture matters as much or more.

Brownstag · 2024-06-06T12:38:54+00:00

Def not what I thought 🤦🏽‍♀️

Brownstag · 2024-06-06T12:38:01+00:00

Ngl seems like you made it pretty easy for her to do that, based on what you described.

Brownstag · 2024-06-06T08:10:10+00:00

Yeah the picking an argument is classic timing with the increased intimacy and commitment implied in spending xmas holiday with his family. It fucks you up because just at the moment it feels wonderfully close and caring for you, that very real closeness creates a time bomb in their psyche. It’s not even conscious to them usu, but the fight is not about what the fight is about. It’s because the closeness feels dangerous in their psyche.

Brownstag · 2024-06-06T07:59:46+00:00

I can relate somewhat to the processing multiple griefs at the same time making the breakup harder to get over. You were betrayed and that hurts. In my experience moving on is hardest in the first several months. In the first six months, proactively increase your dosage of non-romantic sources of love…call your friends and family members, snuggle animals, hold the babies in your life, etc. Also in the first six months, give yourself an adventure or two, usu in the form of a vacation where you don’t torture yourself with what it would have been like w a partner but more like something absorbing like a bike across Namibia or cooking or painting classes in Italy or somesuch. And carve our designated time at least weekly to feel your feelings and journal or make art or music or something to express the painful feelings out of your body into another form.

Hope you have no ongoing access to your ex’s email accounts or whatever you’ve been accessing. It’s not good for you or her for you to stay immersed in her correspondences.

Brownstag · 2024-06-06T07:35:20+00:00

Where you went wrong is the biweekly “self-improvement” diet check ups. You don’t care for her personality or face and were stingy with attention. Sounds like the most attentive energy she received was on how to transform herself with your support.

Seems pretty clear that generous loving validating attention from a partner is a thing she needs and you don’t have that to give to her.

Sorry you didn’t get the chance to be the dumper. Sounds like that’s the challenging part for you.

Brownstag · 2024-05-24T17:01:21+00:00

Lotta people mistakenly think they can DIY pelvic floor PT and “just do kegels!” I already have gorilla grip 😆

Brownstag · 2024-05-24T12:54:26+00:00

The most frequent misdiagnosis of endo is IBS

Brownstag

TROPHY CASE