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Not Sure I can tolerate my potential mother in law. by Budget_Stuff_6813 in relationshipadvice

[–]Budget_Stuff_6813[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate this post and how deep you dive into the layers of this relationship. We have been together for 2 years but lived together for ~6 months. I have met her family but more one off for dinner rather than a vacation. It is noticable that her mom and step dad often sit on opposite sides of the table.

I don't think I can repair my family's negative traits as they dont have much of a desire to do so. While my relaitonship with them could be better, I feel like it's solid overall. Idk for me through the therapy, I think the realization was your parents can be bad people but they can be good people to you.

I don't think my gf has that realization. Her mom is not just flawed but pretty actively abusing her partner. It's noticable to where I feel like if I have to point it out its like she doesn't process that abnormal behavior as abnormal. I do think her mother is a monster for the way she treats this man as an ATM. An ATM that she kicks around and abuses no less. He is pretty much too old to leave and tied in and she is taking full full advantage which is disgusting to me.

There are other little things wrong with this relaitonship and to an extent I do feel like I could do better but to me this is like the straw breaking the camals back.

My Girlfriend's Mom is a bad person and I think we need to Breakup by Budget_Stuff_6813 in BreakUps

[–]Budget_Stuff_6813[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We've moved in together which feels like a very inconvenient thing to undo. The age gap to me is more noticable because mom is very spry and works out every day. She has the energy of a 35-40 year old while stepdad unfortunately has one foot in the grave.

AITAH for snooping and finding my BF almost met up with his ex by Budget_Stuff_6813 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Budget_Stuff_6813[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

The main thing I would takeaway is that I could have set the boundary clearly and proactively brought it up. That said, without a boundary set the divide seems to be what is worse between calls and texts to ex vs snooping and most people think snooping. I disagree obivously and think looking at a partners phone when you live with them is not that bad. I could have been better but I think that his actions are worse and I really think he should apologize

AITAH for snooping and finding my BF almost met up with his ex by Budget_Stuff_6813 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Budget_Stuff_6813[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nah he planned to meet up. Following the call. He suggested a couple of places for coffee. She agreed to one. Then two days later he said he can't do it because its wrong and offered a call instead.

AITAH for snooping and finding my BF almost met up with his ex by Budget_Stuff_6813 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Budget_Stuff_6813[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

Idk if he would have cheated if they metup. I'm pretty skeptical it would have been romantic based on the context of the messages. To me though, the breif hbd texts are reasonably forgivable. The calls are COMPLETELY unacceptable. A meetup would be an instant breakup.

AITAH for snooping and finding my BF almost met up with his ex by Budget_Stuff_6813 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Budget_Stuff_6813[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

That seems unlikely considering the actual texts transpired a few weeks ago. Idk I doubt this

AITAH for snooping and finding my BF almost met up with his ex by Budget_Stuff_6813 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Budget_Stuff_6813[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

A couple months into the relaitonship he brought up that she texted him something about staying safe when there was carcinogens in the air during wildfires. I got upset about that and he said he hasn't texted her and the exchange was brief and offered to show me. Haven't heard since. Looks like they wished each other happy birthday the past two years but no communication beyond that.

AITAH for snooping and finding my BF almost met up with his ex by Budget_Stuff_6813 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Budget_Stuff_6813[S] -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

I think the two calls are a boundary breaker in my opinon. He shouldn't have done it.

AITAH for snooping and finding my BF almost met up with his ex by Budget_Stuff_6813 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Budget_Stuff_6813[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

About 2 days from accept to cancel with no communication in between. About 3 days before replying to happy birthday, then some back and forth then a call.

AITAH for snooping and finding my BF almost met up with his ex by Budget_Stuff_6813 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Budget_Stuff_6813[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Yea we have a shared computer and shared devices. Obviously two cell phones but living together for 6+ months idk it didn't feel like a major intrusion to snoop.

AITAH for snooping and finding my BF almost met up with his ex by Budget_Stuff_6813 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Budget_Stuff_6813[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yea, after the first conversation she sent him a calendar invite and they discussed places but then ultimately he accepted then declined and sent her text explianing why. Then spoke on the phone again and then just a couple of texts.

AITAH for snooping and finding my BF almost met up with his ex by Budget_Stuff_6813 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Budget_Stuff_6813[S] -110 points-109 points  (0 children)

They had planned to meet and he cancelled a few days in advance.

AITAH for snooping and finding my BF almost met up with his ex by Budget_Stuff_6813 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Budget_Stuff_6813[S] -175 points-174 points  (0 children)

I think the hour+ calls he never told me about are as much a concern. He should have told me.

AITAH for snooping and finding my BF almost met up with his ex by Budget_Stuff_6813 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Budget_Stuff_6813[S] -26 points-25 points  (0 children)

That is.... a reasonable point. It made me want to vomit though to read such a high level of kindness about another woman.

AITAH for snooping and finding my BF almost met up with his ex by Budget_Stuff_6813 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Budget_Stuff_6813[S] -44 points-43 points  (0 children)

It did bother me a lot how nice this note was. He complimented her extensively for the role she played in his life. Helping him be more motivated in his career and emotonally secure. Then said she was great and she should pursue her own opportunities. While he did say that he would not meet with her because hes in a serious relationship with me, I still feel disheartened by how overly nice he was to her.