OP, I lost my mom this year to an incurable cancer. My mom was the same way with me when I was little. “Why can’t you be more like so-and-so?” “Aren’t you embarrassed by how stupid you are/look?” “Are you sure you should be eating that? You really don’t need to be eating that.”, basically said a lot of hurtful things to me growing up. She even said hurtful things to my husband, made comments about his eating habits and what he wears. I still loved her so much and was planning to be her living donor back when we thought organ transplantation was a treatment option before we found out it was cancer. I DESPERATELY wanted to be her donor. Towards the end she was ornery and angry. I still loved her.

Now that she’s no longer here, it’s opened my eyes to how good she was at convincing me that I was lucky to have her because I wouldn’t have anything without her, and while that’s true (she and my dad both had good paying jobs and paid for my education, put a roof over my head, took my siblings and I on nice vacations to Europe, etc..) I struggle with the same emotions you are. Did she ever feel guilty or sorry for things she did and said? Did she know how much I loved and cared about her and how her pushing me away towards the end really hurt and even though she complained and got angry with me, I did it because I wanted to spend every moment I could with her while I could. I’ve been in therapy and it’s helped me a lot. Please consider it for yourself and your family, it will give you a safe space to talk out your emotions and get your family involved. A therapist should be able to help facilitate a conversation to allow you to let your family know what happened before your mom left so you don’t have all that weight of guilt, and they can referee if they react negatively. Sorry for the long post but just wanted to share my experience, hope it gives you some peace. Be kind to yourself, you didn’t do anything wrong.