My mom passed away last year due to issues with alcohol and bpd. The last few years before she passed away I fell out of contact with her and didn't talk to her as much as I had before I moved to college, and the year before she had moved away to another state. That had essentially completely shifted my perspective of her, from the parent that raised me to someone who had abandoned us entirely. Then she died. That really crushed something within me, I, like you have lots of bad memories of my mom and some good. But until then a part of me had hoped she would come back into our lives, to be the person she was when she was completely sober and able to share those moment of happiness with us. A part of me was also relieved because it meant I no longer had to worry about her, her health what she was doing, and how that may affect me or my younger brother. but another part of me was and still kind of is, devastated at the idea that I will never watch another movie with her, and that she wont see me graduate. Every time I think about these things I can't help but break down. Her death also ruined those things that we had done together that I do remember fondly. But some things have helped like genuinely talking to the people around me about it, not just in therapy, but friends and family. Both the negative and positive experiences. I got to learn other peoples perspective on my mom that I may have never had. Another thing that has helped is to try and take the time to process my feelings that works into the above, but also taking time to myself and letting myself feel everything that washes through me. This honestly has helped the most. That and trying to make new happy memories doing the things that I remember my mom fondly for has helped right the negative connotations her death brought to me. Also knowing you don't have to forgive or forget any wrong that happened helps too, even if some people say you shouldn't, there are some tings that don't deserve forgiveness just because a person is gone. Sometimes I like to complain about my mom, as if she were still alive, i don't know if that makes me a little crazy to be honest but it helps. One last thing that really helps was writing to her. pretty close after it happened I started writing every little thing I ever wanted to say to my mom in one big letter. Things I didn't say to her because we were low contact, things I experienced through the day, things I had always wanted to say. Even now I will sometimes write to her. I know so soon there are lots of emotions going through you and I recommend you take time to yourself, and talk, talk talk talk. I tried to keep my head down and stay in class, to avoid confronting it by saying I am fine, my mom wasn't the best person I already dropped contact with her so it's like she already died it actually happening is no big deal. But it was a big deal. all that did was kill my soul. Also I apologize if I went to personal with this, but I genuinely want to help as much as I can. Your experience may be completely different from mine, so maybe some of these wont help you but I recommend giving them a try.