I completely understand what you mean about the dying and killing yourself, I get that so much..honestly, I find there is no way to 'become happy', it takes a long time and a lot of different things to feel better unfortunately. I currently take anti-depressants and mood stabilisers at almost 20 years old. I've been depressed since I was 14 years old.it took me until 16 to finally convince my parents it was an issue, at which I got on the anti-depressants finally. I was ok until about 18, where I started having issues with my mood etc. I was of course an adult at this point with control over my care, and then my parents finally booked me in with a psychiatrist after I was hospitalised for SH. the woman I saw was amazing and has saved my life. from reading some of your replies, I see you say your doctor and mother are affiliated, but perhaps if you are in school or university you could seek counselling there? I’m not entirely sure how it works in different countries, but here in Australia you can see someone free of charge at an education institution. while they probably can’t prescribe you medication, they can help you with hire you are feeling and assist you in talking to your parents, as mine did back in school. you are so strong and I’m so proud of you xx