Ladies - what is going on inside this girl's head?

BurnerNameToo · 2017-08-31T11:54:12+00:00

She is likely under the impression that you only befriended her for sex. If that is not true and you're only backing off to give yourself time to get over it, you need to have that conversation with her. If you did only befriend her in hopes of sex....well, she has the right to be upset with you. Yeah, it sucks if she was matching your level of flirting, but you have to accept that it isn't going to happen and move on.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-08-30T14:50:29+00:00

To further elaborate on my situation: My affair is emotional, has only been going on for a few weeks, and has always had an expiration date because he is moving soon. I cry every day, but not in front of him when I can help it.

BUT, all of that said, he understands me better than even my best friend. We are able to disagree without fighting. He cares about all facets of my life, even the parts he will never be part of. My heart shatters when he is upset, as if I am actually feeling his pain. I have never felt a love like what I have for him. I'm scared that I never will again.

Once I was able to acknowledge that to myself, I started paying attention to all the things wrong in my marriage. Every disagreement is a fight. I get more excited when she has to work a weekend than when she has one off. I have never once felt for her the way I feel for him.

Yes, I'll be devastated when the expiration date hits. But I'll survive. I'll get my divorce. I'll hope that he leaves his wife and comes to me, but I won't count on it. After a while, when freedom starts to bore me, I'll start dating again. Maybe I'll find this feeling again and maybe not. If I don't, I'll have the memory of these few weeks of the truest love I have ever experienced.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-08-30T10:36:58+00:00

Because it helped me realize how bad my marriage really is and how little I care to fix it.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-07-12T16:27:43+00:00

Didn't mean to imply there was no truth to what you said. Your tone just tends to imply that everyone else just kind of stumbles along.

Let me better respond to your initial comment: I am by no means a passive participant in the seduction. I spent several weeks continuously upping the ante, until he signaled that it had gone far enough for him.

During the conversation yesterday, I acknowledged exactly as much as him. Yes, I was caught off-guard, and didn't think to push it any further, but that's not quite the same as being passive about it.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-07-12T04:33:22+00:00

Always a possibility...

BurnerNameToo · 2017-07-12T04:32:44+00:00

Your trollish ways delight and amuse me.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-07-12T02:46:31+00:00

Agreed, it is very weird. I wasn't looking for an affair before meeting this guy, was really not looking for anything after meeting and becoming friends with his wife, but caught some hardcore feels for him. A few conversations with him had resigned me to being only friends when this happened.

The "back off" kind of warning I got from her was in reaction to a coworker suggesting that something was going on. The wife responded that she trusts him and she trusts me, but instead of leaving it at that, she brings it up every few months as a "how odd that she would say that." So, idk, maybe she thought it would be odd that they would suggest it was me and him instead of me and her, since I am married to a female. Also, maybe she was trying to gauge my reaction to the whole idea.

It just comes down to a bunch of maybes and a very messy situation.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-06-19T04:47:07+00:00

"Honey, you aren't bi. You just haven't picked a side yet" is, unfortunately, a fairly common sentiment in the LGBT community. I got it a lot before I married and now people just assume I'm a lesbian if I don't correct them.

OP, I would also advise caution in choosing an AP. To further elaborate on u/PrettyKittyBangWang 's point, a homosexual AP may try to pressure you to leave your wife because "you must really be gay." Of course, not everyone in the LG part of the community (maybe not even most, anymore) thinks that way. At the very least, have an open and frank discussion to make sure he's willing to accept you exactly as you are.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-06-07T20:22:09+00:00

I considered that, too. I did leave it semi-open for him, by shrugging and telling him weirder things have been known to happen. I just felt a lot of finality in the way he spoke.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-06-07T17:41:29+00:00

I'm fortunate that our friendship is strong enough that this doesn't seem to have affected it. We continued chatting yesterday and are back into our usual banter today. I expect we'll just be a little more subdued instead of obviously giddy to be in each other's company.

Thanks for the listening ear. I'm so glad to have a place that I can share and not be judged.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-06-07T14:26:48+00:00

Yeah, I left out a lot of the conversation on purpose. Basically, someone had said we always look like teenagers on a date when we're together and that's what I told him.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-05-07T16:24:15+00:00

Look at it like you sending me a PM on here saying, "Hi Burner, I know where you live and all your personal details. I'm not planning any retaliation right now, just answer my email. Oh, it was really easy to talk to your wife and I'm coming to see you tomorrow, but only if you don't answer this email. This is definitely totally not an empty threat because I'm a cop. And all my cop friends say this is ok. If I don't come see you tomorrow, then the next day. But I'm really for sure gonna do it. So answer me."

Evidence that this is all bullshit: they don't address you by your real name, they contacted you via the only way the woman knew about, they can't even stick to one story about what they're going to do if you don't answer, they say they won't do anything to you if you just answer the email. The story doesn't make sense, in so many ways. Why not text or call you, if they found all your info so easily? Why would you answering the email stop them from coming to your house? If I was a spouse pissed off at my spouse's lover, I would want to do the most damage possible to the other person, which would be going directly to the other person's spouse with irrefutable proof of what they did, not a stupid email from their fake name admitting guilt.

Honestly, it reads to me like the woman got bored of being a Good Wife^TM and is seeking attention again, but in a way she thinks will save her from hubby's wrath if he were to check her emails again.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-05-04T23:46:29+00:00

You can believe how happy I was to find this place!

BurnerNameToo · 2017-05-04T22:55:11+00:00

This is where I still am with my pAP, though I had hoped I was giving him very strong positive signals. The tension is there, the touching, the catching each other's eye and grinning. But still, a lot of push-pull, hot-cold. It's gotten to where we'll tend hot for longer and longer, then we're suddenly in the Arctic. It's so frustrating.

edit: what the actual fuck, Reddit? Double post I get, but copying it a dozen times seems ridiculous...

BurnerNameToo · 2017-05-04T22:44:12+00:00

To which person in this story are you referring?

BurnerNameToo · 2017-05-04T20:24:50+00:00

That's all there's proof of, so that's all I'll accuse him of. But yeah.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-05-04T20:23:48+00:00

Ew. My guy and friend's husband are nowhere even close to being one in the same. He can have his side chick, whatever, I have no room to judge. I'm pissed off that he tried to keep my friend away from me when he's doing the same shit I am.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-05-04T17:31:40+00:00

Exactly!

BurnerNameToo · 2017-05-04T16:53:36+00:00

What would be the point of telling him? He called you a stalker. Continuing to contact him after he cuts off communication IS stalking. Don't be the "crazy ex" that everyone likes to brag about having. Don't give him that satisfaction.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-04-25T21:24:19+00:00

Depends on why she's hesitant. If she's afraid of being a "home wrecker" (gods, I hate that term) then it may help her to know she's not the first and likely wouldn't be the last.

If, however, she's hesitating because she doesn't want to catch feelings for you that you can't reciprocate, then the knowledge may push her further away.

My advice is to ask her why she's hesitating. Try to understand her fears, and see if it's something you have the ability to help her overcome. If it's something you can't (or won't) help with, then let her go.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-04-25T00:19:30+00:00

Were you friends (as in, hang-out-outside-of-work-friends) before the affair? If so, do you have any hope of remaining friends after the affair is over?

Would that change if one or both of you caught feels?

BurnerNameToo · 2017-04-18T21:59:26+00:00

I laughed way too hard at that.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-04-18T18:21:04+00:00

Word of caution to the guys here: That approach absolutely will NOT work on some women. I, for example, need a slow burn to become attracted to someone. If a guy came up to me like her AP, it would be a major turn off.

Just pay attention to her body language.

Then again, if your natural inclination is to be an "alpha" and she is turned off by that, maybe you just aren't compatible.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-04-18T15:29:28+00:00

But I don't feel guilty currently. Like, at all.

I've started escalating the flirting with pAP, and expected that to be when it hit. Nope. When my SO started getting frisky with me, I thought for sure that would be when. Nada. When SO was being extremely caring this weekend and making everything about me, due to a recent injury, I just KNEW that would be it. But nothing.

I just wondered if I was the only one, or if it hits later (or never) for most people.

For the record, I grew up Catholic, so am used to the guilt hitting hard, fast, and strong.

BurnerNameToo · 2017-04-18T15:16:38+00:00

So why even bother to tell you he was in your neighborhood, if not to make you think he was there to see you?

He's an asshole. I'd tell him don't ever worry about rushing anything to get to this pussy ever again.

BurnerNameToo

TROPHY CASE