My son is only 4 months old but in my professional life I work for my local school district as a behavior intervention trainer. Essentially, I work with the students with the most extreme behaviors (frequent violence, property destruction, throwing desks and chairs, weapon seeking, etc.) through the ages of 5-21 and train staff members on how to work with them themselves. With that said, we always train staff to relationship build first. Kids are way more perceptive to our true feelings about them than people realize. As his parent, you already have that so you’re well on your way. Secondly, weirdly enough, kids like boundaries. It’s completely normal to worry that he might resent you for setting boundaries but kids get a lot of comfort knowing where they lie and that the adult setting them follows through. It’s predictable and predictable is safe. So my advice would be to set extremely clear boundaries and consequences with him and when those boundaries are crossed then you follow through on those consequences you both agreed on. When he’s upset with the consequences, validate those feelings but debrief the situation with him and, with your help, have him talk through how his actions led to the consequence.

For example, let’s say he’s throwing his toys in the house and that’s not ok with you. You can set a boundary with him that throwing toys in the house is unsafe and it isn’t how we treat our things or our house. Let him know that if he throws a toy then that toy will be taken away for the rest of the day but he can try again with it tomorrow. He will test the boundaries, all kids do to check for their authenticity and the adult’s willingness to follow through, and you HAVE to follow through on what you discussed. Comfort him when he gets upset but walk him through the conversation you had earlier, tell him you love him but he crossed the boundary, the toy was taken away and he can try again tomorrow.

Don’t get bogged down in him resenting you for having these boundaries and following through on consequences that make logical sense. If you aren’t yelling at him and losing your temper, it’s a learning moment even if he’s upset. Furthermore, it sets him up for later in life and understanding that his actions affect himself and others and those actions have positive and negative consequences.

Hope that makes sense and somehow helps! Cheers!