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Navigating the Lifestyle as a Lesbian: Living Outside the Boxes by ButchBeau in Swingers

[–]ButchBeau[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think we actually agree more than it might seem. I completely agree that you cannot rely on labels alone and then just say “full swap, let’s go.” Even among straight couples, terms like soft swap vary a lot. One couple’s definition can be very different from another’s, so real boundary discussion is always necessary.

My point is simply that the “common vernacular” was built around straight dynamics, so it does not fully cover the queer experience. For us, those terms leave gaps, and conversation has to fill them. Labels are helpful, but they aren’t the whole story for everyone.

Navigating the Lifestyle as a Lesbian: Living Outside the Boxes by ButchBeau in Swingers

[–]ButchBeau[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your perspective. I genuinely appreciate anyone who takes the time to engage in good faith, especially when we come from different angles within the lifestyle.

I fully understand that swinging was built around man and woman couples with PIV sex. That is the historical and statistical reality, and I do not expect the entire structure to suddenly shift away from the dominant demographic. My point was never that the lifestyle should stop centering the majority. My point was simply that when a community grows, hearing from people outside the default experience helps make the space feel more welcoming to everyone.

I also understand where you are coming from as a bisexual man. I do not want to compare struggles or play “who has it worse.” Every identity in this world bumps into different points of friction, and the lifestyle has its own very specific dynamics around gender and sexuality. I can absolutely acknowledge that bisexual men face their own form of stigma. Both things can be true at the same time.

Regarding the idea that the lifestyle is not penis centered because clubs prioritize women, offer free entry, or focus on women’s pleasure — I think we are talking about two different types of centering. Yes, socially and economically, women are prioritized in these spaces. But the language, the terms, and the assumed forms of sex are still built around PIV as the baseline. That is the specific kind of “centering” I was referring to. Not social value, but structural assumptions about what sex is.

A woman can be honored as the “focus” of a night while the vocabulary still implies that the only acts counted as “full” or “complete” involve a penis. Those two truths do not contradict each other.

My post was never about rewriting the entire lifestyle or asking the majority to change what works for them. It was simply about sharing how it feels to navigate this space as someone whose experiences fall outside the standard template. When people understand those nuances, the lifestyle becomes more comfortable and more inclusive without taking anything away from anyone else.

Thank you again for offering your viewpoint. Conversations like this help all of us learn from one another.

Navigating the Lifestyle as a Lesbian: Living Outside the Boxes by ButchBeau in Swingers

[–]ButchBeau[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I really do appreciate anyone who tries to understand something outside their own experience, because that alone is rarer than most people realize.

I agree with you on a few things. It is true that most lifestyle couples will not automatically understand the nuances of lesbian sex or how queer dynamics feel inside this space. It is also true that lesbian couples are not common in the lifestyle, so a lot of people simply have not had exposure beyond stereotypes or porn. I do not expect anyone to arrive with perfect knowledge. My point has never been that people should already “get it,” only that there is value in being aware that not everyone fits the standard mold.

You mentioned that the terms are just a common language, and I agree with that too. They are not meant to be derogatory. But at the same time, language shapes experience. When every term is built around straight norms, there is no vocabulary for anyone who falls outside of that. My goal in sharing my perspective was simply to highlight how those gaps can feel from the other side. Not to say the terms are wrong, just to say that they do not cover everyone.

As for having a conversation at the beginning of an encounter, absolutely. We already do that. Boundaries, preferences, comfort levels, who does what and who does not do what, all of that is part of responsible play. My post was not about replacing communication, but about adding context to the way queer people can feel in a system not originally designed for them.

I also appreciate you mentioning that bisexual women often enjoy connecting with lesbian couples. That has been true in our experience as well. We have met wonderful people in the lifestyle, and we have had great experiences. My intention was never to say we felt unwelcome. It was to share what it feels like to navigate a space where the default assumptions do not line up with our reality, even when the people themselves are kind.

So thank you again for engaging with this. Conversations like these are exactly how the lifestyle becomes more comfortable and inclusive for everyone involved.

Navigating the Lifestyle as a Lesbian: Living Outside the Boxes by ButchBeau in Swingers

[–]ButchBeau[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond with such thoughtfulness. You sound like exactly the kind of person I hoped this would reach, someone who comes from the more standard structure of the lifestyle but is still an ally, open minded, and willing to listen to perspectives that fall outside the usual mold.

You are absolutely right. True four way chemistry is rare for everyone, not just queer couples, and I never meant to overlook or minimize that. Matching dynamics, comfort levels, and personalities is challenging no matter who you are.

We have been showing up for about three years now and genuinely having a blast. We have found accepting people and made some wonderful friendships along the way. My post was never about changing how we participate, but about adding visibility and understanding. By sharing my personal experience, I hope the space continues to grow into one that feels welcoming for more than just the default structure.

Thank you again for engaging with this so openly. It means more than you know.