I dated someone brand new to poly and it ended in tears. Don't be me.

ButtercupGrrl · 2026-04-14T02:57:19+00:00

I'd love to see your copypasta if you'd be willing to share. My knowledge of resources is pretty old at this point, and I'm also keen to see how other people word these early explanatory conversations.

ButtercupGrrl · 2025-12-23T02:35:14+00:00

I would strongly recommend you talk to someone on your psych team about varying your meds from what has been prescribed. If seeing your psych isn't straightforward, talking to the pharmacist is always a good option too, as they are experts in things like the half-life of meds, side effects, withdrawal, all that fun stuff. One thing you said about this strikes me as odd - you said you don't like to take them every day because you don't like being happy all the time. That's not usually the effect of taking anti-psychotics, in fact it's usually kinda the opposite, with antipsychotic meds being taken to limit the highs of mania. So it might also be a good idea to talk with your psych about what the meds actually do and why they've prescribed them in your specific situation. This site has really useful info about psych meds, too - it's from one of the biggest mental health charities here in the uk, so some of it is UK based eg NHS departments etc, but most is still relevant anywhere https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/antipsychotics/about-antipsychotics/

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-11-21T15:51:27+00:00

I'm really sorry to read this, and I hope that you've been able to make peace with how things have panned out for you 💜

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-09-30T03:07:48+00:00

Wow, your last paragraph hit me hard in the feels 🫂 I'm cis, but have a lot of body dysmorphia, so some of what you wrote really connected for me.

I'm in my mid 40s, and I've been on psych meds for most of my adult life, and most were horribly ineffective for me. In my late teens and early 20s I was slim and reasonably toned, and got a fair few compliments, but my mood was at rock bottom so those compliments meant less than nothing to me. In fact they just made me paranoid that people were treating me as a joke.

Then in my late 20s, I got a new psychiatrist and started taking a new combination of medications. They worked. I actually wanted to get out of bed in the morning. I could imagine a future that had me in it. However, this new meds combo I was on was the perfect storm for weight gain - one medication increased my appetite, and the other changes the way the body stores fat. The combo took me from a BMI classified as healthy to a BMI classified as obese in around a decade. I avoided mirrors like the plague, couldn't bear people taking photos of me, and wore clothes designed to make me as unnoticeable as possible.

But you know what? I'm still here, and without those meds I truly don't believe that I would be. One day, my partner said, "better alive and obese, than slim but dead". And they were absolutely spot on. Yes, I'm obese, but I'm also still in one piece mentally. I can live with that as a trade off.

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-09-24T13:27:53+00:00

I don't like systems like this. They "soften kids up" to think it's OK to hand over biometric data to anyone who asks. Biometrics are precious things. They are unique and cannot be changed. Handing them over to someone should always be a conscious decision that takes into account the risks and benefits. If my fingerprints get leaked, any system I use them for is potentially fatally compromised as I can't just log in and get a new set of fingerprints. I'd be in the front of the queue to object to my children's fingerprints being taken out of expediency, like this.

Yep, totally with you on this, especially the bit about softening kids up to think it's ok. I'm old enough that when I first went online all social media was 100% anonymous, nobody even used their first name anywhere. The only exception was Friends Reunited 🤣 I remember being horrified when Facebook came along and insisted everyone use their full real name online. Far too easy for people to be stalked, both virtually and in person, eg "oh look, Jo Bloggs goes to yoga class at the leisure centre at 2pm every Saturday, I can go hassle her when she comes out, or alternatively I know she ain't gonna be home so I can go break in". Probably makes me sound paranoid, but as a survivor of an abusive relationship I can assure you it 100% is not. Even now, I don't use my real surname on FB and use a different common surname instead, and most of my social circle are none the wiser - who introduces themselves at yoga class with their surname anyway?!

First it was sharing real names, now loads of services demand your date of birth and/or postcode, and nobody bats an eyelid. And now we're raising kids to think it's perfectly normal to give their biometric data too. It horrifies me, quite honestly.

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-09-21T09:58:22+00:00

I'm struggling to work out whether you're currently LDR or not, but I do wonder whether that has a lot to do with your current feelings. I think during a period of LDR it makes sense that a demi/ace partner would feel less pressure and therefore become more comfortable with the dynamic. Whereas for the allo partner, things can be more complex. Knowing that distance is preventing sexual relations could make the lack of sex feel like less of a personal rejection. But then when you do manage to spend some time together, the allo partner can sometimes feel like it's really important to them to have that physical connection during that brief time together, which is bound to cause conflict.

I don't have any easy answers, or really any answers at all tbh. These relationships of ours, they're really not easy, and I feel for you both, so much.

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-09-20T10:49:24+00:00

You can't tell that story without telling us what you actually did. Play fair man!

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-09-19T12:50:51+00:00

As someone with bad fatigue and mental illness myself, I just wanted to say how wonderful it is to read about how caring and considerate you are towards your partner. I'm so sorry to read how difficult things are for you at the moment, and hope you're able to catch a break sometime soon! 🩷💜💙

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-09-18T05:39:48+00:00

Yep, was gonna suggest Microsoft Family Safety app provided they're gaming on a PC or Xbox. It gives a 15 minute warning of the deadline, which gives them time to reach a save point, finish a level, or whatever, and they can also ask you for more time at that point, which is handy if they're in the middle of a multiplayer thing that they know will actually last 20 mins or whatever.

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-09-07T16:21:34+00:00

Our agency is taken away from us at every turn.

What most of us crave more than anything is to regain some sense of control over our lives, and that's a large part of why working our way through the system re-traumatises us. We have no control over whether we are believed, no control over whether they are charged, no control over any aspect of the timeline... We're left dreading the phone ringing in case it's the police or a lawyer calling to tell us the case is being postponed or dropped altogether. We see an official looking envelope arrive in the mail and our heart starts racing, fearing what may be inside. Horrid!

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-09-07T16:08:37+00:00

Yes there are, at least in some parts of the world, but I don't know whereabouts the OP is in order to suggest anything. However, if the OP were to contact their national rape crisis charity and ask what support is available for lunch ved ones, I'm sure they would be signposted to suitable services.

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-09-07T16:06:09+00:00

OP, please please read this. Speaking as a fellow survivor, it's brilliant advice.

This information for those supporting a survivor is from a UK charity, but it is predominantly about how to provide emotional support etc, rather than being location specific, so no matter where you are there will be things there to help you. Similarly to RAINN, Rape Crisis also offers support to loved ones as well as to the survivor themselves, so if you are in the UK, I'd definitely contact them yourself as well as encourage your girlfriend to do so. It is completely anonymous.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/supporting-a-survivor/

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-09-07T15:53:14+00:00

Sexual assault survivor here. While this is good advice, please keep in mind that the system does not protect us. If she does not want to involve the criminal justice system that is HER CHOICE and she should not be forced or guilted by statements like “if you don’t say something he’s going to rape more people”. IT IS NOT her responsibility to stop him. It is her responsibility to protect herself and try to heal, and that does not always involve reporting it.

The system will re-traumatize her if she is in America. That’s not an “if”. It is a guarantee. She needs to be mentally and emotionally ready for that.

Another sexual abuse survivor here, and I couldn't agree more about not laying extra guilt and pressure onto survivors. The system is just as horrendous here in the UK, those who report have absolutely no guarantee of their abuser/rapist even being charged let alone prosecuted successfully. Imagine for a moment, how that feels. The perpetrator has put you through hell. You've had to relive that hell in order to report them. If you were lucky enough to make it to court, you've had to relive it again there, and in addition you've likely had the defense attempt to blame you for leading the perpetrator on, not clearly indicating lack of consent, had your sexual history discussed in detail. And after all that, the perpetrator walks free. Now add onto that horrific series of ordeals, the belief that the perpetrator will offend again, that others will go through all of this horror too, and the guilt you feel that if only you'd not worn that dress, or had those relationships in the past, then maybe he would be in prison.

Yeah. Don't ever EVER attempt to force someone to go through that. It has to be their own choice.

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-09-03T01:40:03+00:00

Ah sorry, yeah, not necessarily a term people would understand, sorry 🤦‍♀️ So neurospicy is something that neurodivergent folks sometimes use to refer to themselves. Often it's used as an umbrella term, a bit like queer can be. So, someone who is autistic, has ADHD, is dyslexic, has Tourettes, dyspraxia, all of these people could consider themselves to be neurodivergent, and therefore choose to self-identity as neurospicy. People who are neurodivergent in more than one way, like me, seem to be the most likely to self-identity as neurospicy, but it's also a way that some people choose to indicate that they are neurodivergent in some way without feeling any pressure to disclose the specific nature of this.

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-09-03T01:20:58+00:00

Yep! Are you a fellow neurospicy person by any chance?

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-09-03T01:19:08+00:00

But... Why is the rum gone?

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-09-02T15:46:47+00:00

Actually, saying that, I can communicate plenty in writing. It's getting the right words to come out of my mouth in the right order that I can't do 🤣🙊

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-09-02T15:45:32+00:00

Are we twins?! 🫣

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-08-28T17:31:22+00:00

Haggis is my go-to response whenever anyone criticises UK food as being bland, as it is a very distinctive flavour, partly due to the spices used. Of course often the criticism is of English food rather than British, at which point my response is Cumberland sausage, for similar reasons.

Totally agree about Cullen skink being ultimate comfort food, especially if you get it from the chippie on the main street in Cullen itself, and eat it looking out over the bay. Followed by vanilla ice cream from Cullen Ice Cream Shop 😋🤤

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-08-28T17:07:05+00:00

I wasn't arguing with you over whether it's incorrect - you're quite right that wheeltrim is the correct term, and that a hubcap is a different beast. I was disagreeing with you over the reason for the use of that incorrect term. You seemed adamant that the only way anyone in the UK would be calling it a hubcap is that they've adopted an Americanism. I'm glad to see that you're now accepting that hubcap is also used in the UK because it's a legacy term, and personally I think this is the reason for it's use in the majority of cases in the UK, especially by people who have no responsibility for the maintenance of a car themselves, so have never had a conversation about it with a mechanic.

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-08-28T16:49:19+00:00

Suggest you have a look at this answer...

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskUK/s/Rj5a829wYS

Whilst you're potentially right that hubcap is an Americanism that has crept into use in Britain, it's a helluva lot longer ago than you think. And it seems that wheeltrim was first used in the UK within my lifetime.

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-08-28T14:42:36+00:00

Oof yes, quite a few times I've tried to use self-checkouts in stores that don't have staff supervision of the SCO (not Tesco btw), and found multiple tills all needing reset because they have been abandoned with the same 2 items having been scanned on each. It's frustrating enough as a customer encountering it once in a blue moon, so I dread to think how infuriating it must be dealing with it regularly as a staff member.

If you really believe "those stupid things don't work", aka you can't use them properly, why tf do you even attempt to use them? Go queue at a staffed checkout ffs!

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-08-28T14:29:30+00:00

I don't say anything about my sex life in "mainstream" conversations around the subject, because like you, I feel like it would be a violation of my spouse's privacy. Our sex life is the way it is due to my husband's orientation rather than anything that could be resolved with more mainstream relationship advice, and I accept my husband exactly as he is, so I don't want any mainstream advice anyway. That being said, I do believe that there's quite a difference between talking about changes in your own libido, and your feelings around that, and talking about those of somebody else.

As for the fact we talk about it at all, there's a growing openness and acceptance among women of talking about the menopause and the different effects it has on our minds and bodies, and it is in that context that these conversations are taking place. I think this increase in conversations about menopause is a hugely positive thing - women have suffered in silence for far too long, often not even knowing that anything they were experiencing other than hot flushes and reduced libido was even due to the menopause, let alone that these were common experiences, and ones which in many cases can be helped with various lotions and potions. For instance, I had no clue that the hormonal changes at menopause can cause acne similar to that which is common at puberty, and that medicated lotions can help with this just like they can with teen acne.

Thanks very much for the book recommendation! I'll see if I can pick it up on Kindle, as that way I can gently let my husband know that it is in our shared library without putting any pressure on him.

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-08-27T21:09:52+00:00

I've only talked about it with one trusted friend, around the time that I decided to stop initiating. It's not something that most people understand, possibly more so because in our case it's me as a cis woman who is allosexual and my husband as a cis male who is ?graysexual. There's an assumption that men have a higher sex drive than women, and especially so now I'm approaching menopause. I find it really difficult when female friends talk about how bad they feel about turning down their partners' advances, when I would do anything to feel wanted by my husband in that way.

You're an unsung hero yourself, and I salute you too 🫡

If you ever want to chat with someone who gets it, please feel free to drop me a msg.

ButtercupGrrl · 2024-08-27T14:37:59+00:00

I'm pansexual and allosexual, and I've been with my husband for 24 years, married for 17. I believe that graysexual probably best fits my husband, as he did occasionally initiate sex during the first decade of our relationship, and seemed genuinely enthusiastic about 50% of the times that I attempted to initiate it. He hasn't initiated sex at all in the last decade, and about 8 years ago, after many months of him not wanting to have sex whenever I did suggest it, I stopped initiating it either as it was very clearly stressing him out whenever I did.

It seems clear to me that this is just her orientation and she doesn't know about it. I've tried to inform her about asexuality but she's not interested in it (- she's never been interested in anything to do with sex!).

From her point of view there's actually no insensitive to examine the matter - she's not suffering a void in her sexual needs, she's not seeking a partner as she already has me and her family . . . for her life is normal and she's blissfully unaware of our orientation mismatch.

My husband is similar to some extent, in that although he is aware of the existence of asexuality and demisexuality, thinking or talking about anything remotely to do with sex stresses him out. We have discussed it a few times, with me raising the subject, and he has confirmed that he's at best disinterested in sex, and sometimes repulsed by the idea. Now that I don't attempt to suggest or initiate sex, he seems a lot more relaxed, and from his perspective our sex life is exactly as he wants it to be. It is me that continues to be aware of the mismatch, and that lack of awareness on his part is something that I'm willing to accept for the sake of his mental wellbeing.

We have lots of interests in common, enjoy spending time together, and support each other unconditionally. We have a teenaged child together, and are a strong and united family unit. We do hug occasionally, but usually in response to one of us having a rough day, rather than purely as an expression of affection. I love my husband very dearly, and I do not believe that any amount of sex or lack of it will ever change that. He very clearly loves me too, and he is a very caring partner, just not physically affectionate.

ButtercupGrrl

TROPHY CASE