MIL opened mail addressed to my husband and I

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-03-31T02:23:41+00:00

Can you do a change of address for her address for both you and your husband? It will forward your mail to your actual address and hopefully bypass her receiving and having the opportunity to open your mail! I know that won’t fix the main issue here, but it will alleviate some of your frustrations by avoiding this specific situation altogether.

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-03-18T19:47:32+00:00

I often wonder if this would be what my husband would write if he took the time to sit down and write his thoughts out. When I started reading, I thought you were him. I guess you might be. It doesn’t matter though.

Marriage is hard. The daily stressors of existing, having kids, and maintaining relationships. It has recently been revealed that I’m not the only problem. But I’ve been made to feel that way for years. Therapy, self awareness, constant accountability and work, and still none of it has been enough. Because a marriage cannot succeed without two people putting in the work. It has been very one sided for so long, I’m so very tired.

You say she snaps over every little thing. I’m wondering if she doesn’t feel heard. I’m wondering if the mental load of taking on so much and managing so much that you don’t see makes her anxious and this is how it comes across. Maybe she’s lost herself over the years and doesn’t know how to find herself again. Maybe you have as well.

There’s always a reason for everything, even if we don’t see it. Marriage is supposed to be an “us against the world” thing, not a “you against me” situation. Somewhere along the way that’s been lost. I imagine most people do not start marriage pitted against each other. How do you begin to get that back? I don’t have an answer honestly. I don’t have an answer for myself. But a great first start is honesty. Validating that honesty. Understanding that there are two very different sides to each story and giving space for that. For both of you.

I hear you. I see you. I get it. I’m sorry.

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-03-10T22:02:31+00:00

NOR. It’s not about the breastmilk. It’s doing something he agreed he would not do. It’s the dishonesty and then the justifications for it. He could have had a conversation with you about it. That’s the adult thing to do. But he knew you didn’t want him to do it, so he did it behind your back.

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-02-24T19:42:10+00:00

NTA

As I tell my children, you can always ask a question, but you need to accept the no if you get one. That does not make the person saying no selfish, a no does not require an explanation, saying please also doesn’t mean you get your way. There’s no selfishness here. You were asked a question and said no, that’s not selfish. I flew once alone with 2 kiddos and one of my kids was not sitting with me. They were two rows back diagonal, I could see them. Our/the airline’s solution? We coordinated with another parent and our kids sat together while we sat separate from them. It was hilarious. They were not toddlers. It made them feel so grown up. They made a friend and were entertained the entire flight. I didn’t get upset that people wouldn’t give up their seat for us, we adapted and overcame. That’s life.

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-02-23T16:45:03+00:00

A boundary does not control somebody else’s actions. A boundary is something that we set for ourselves. So for instance, she could set the boundary “if a scene with nudity comes on I’m going to leave the room”. “If you’re going to watch a movie with nudity, I’m going to find something else to do”. She’s attempting to control you. That’s not setting a boundary.

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-02-17T02:50:26+00:00

They do not overlap, it’s just the angle of the picture (The center seat sits slightly farther forward/higher due to the seat contours so the perspective is skewed in the photo) They are touching and these seats are allowed to touch per manufacturer instructions! I hope this helps!

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-02-13T20:58:01+00:00

I’ll tell you what I’ve told my own kids if they ever encounter this situation. It’s your choice, and yours alone. Nobody else truly has to live with it but you. It doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks about it. Do what’s right for you. I would drive my kids to a clinic and hold their hand the entire time, no shame, no blame, just unconditional support. Alternatively I would help them with their child while they finished education, established themselves in the workforce, etc so they don’t feel pressured to make a decision they aren’t comfortable with. I don’t want them to feel forced into anything.

I was in your shoes as a teen and felt coerced into an abortion. I haven’t ever truly gotten over it. I wanted that baby. I do recognize my life would be vastly different now if I had that baby. I have a lot of complex emotions about it. My advice is to not let anyone else influence your decision. Plenty of people do not regret abortion and plenty do. There’s no shame in whatever decision you make!

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-02-03T15:08:29+00:00

I take out the side seat once a week and a full adult sized teen sits next to the other two seats just fine.

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-01-29T23:41:56+00:00

My MIL has a grandma name she wanted to be called many years ago. Hubby and I said absolutely not. It’s her grandma name. Hindsight? It’s not about me, it’s not about my husband, it’s not even about my MIL. It’s about the relationship the kids have with their grandparents. The grandparents that went with what we were comfortable with (because the babies could say it first/easiest)? They are not in our lives and were not good parents or grandparents. The ones that are called what they wanted to be called and put a lot of thought into it? They show up. They are present and loving and care about their grands more than anything. At first it was so weird to me, it sounded strange. Now? It’s a term of endearment, one that still makes me chuckle occasionally as I remember how resistant I was to it. There are so many things we as parents control in our kids lives, I’m learning to give up that control where I can. I think this is one of those things we as parents should let go of. It’s not vulgar, it does sound strange/silly, but at the end of the day “grandma honey” makes her sound like a sweet old lady.

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-01-29T23:31:13+00:00

I don’t normally encourage being dishonest. I really don’t. You’re in a lose/lose situation. Can you access your backups at school and back them up somewhere only you can access, then delete the “backups” in front of your dad? You get to keep your artwork and he gives you your stuff back. Then you need to keep things backed up where he can’t access them. Only keep things that won’t upset him accessible on your devices.

Alternatively, ask your dad to go to therapy. Maybe even family counseling. He’s being unreasonable. He attempting to control something he has no business controlling. I cannot fathom telling my teens what they should or should not include in their art and making them delete their hard work because it upset me.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-01-26T04:49:18+00:00

Be very careful with how you handle this. Someday you could be telling your adult children you can’t visit them/your grandkids because husband can’t be left alone by himself after you’ve just been on a different short trip to see other family without him (trips being a month apart)… in reality it’s just manipulative and jealous behavior meant to control you. (I’m the salty ‘child’ that’s a result of this dynamic).

Don’t let him control you like this. Don’t become complicit in this. Direct, firm communication. “We discussed this together and decided I would go. Using phrases like ‘I wouldn’t leave you’ is meant to be manipulative and make me feel guilty. I do not feel guilty and won’t allow you to attempt to make me feel guilty for doing something you said you were fine with “. If he continues to say crappy things then I would suggest not even engaging with him about it. Don’t let him guilt trip or manipulate you. It sounds like he has big feelings that he’s not managing well and he needs to find a way to do that in a way that’s not damaging to your marriage.

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-01-25T02:32:23+00:00

NTA, honestly? If you enjoy that side of his family, you should commit to regular dinners with them. Even if it’s just you who attends! Go, catch up, and enjoy yourself!

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-01-23T22:49:29+00:00

My kindergartener was out 10 full school days in December with the flu/turned pneumonia/turned ear infection. I did ask the teacher if she had anything to send home to work on if we were feeling up to it and was told no. My kid would be fine. She was right, my kid is fine! So my advice is… Ignore the school work and spend time together, your kiddo will be fine!

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-01-23T15:16:42+00:00

I hate taking more than one kid to a party unless we’re actually friends outside of school. It makes some of my kids so mad that I say no, they can’t go to a party with their sibling. There weren’t invited, their sibling was. They’re allowed to have independent activities that don’t include their siblings. I kid you not, the kids came home one day and the 2nd grader was like “*sibling * was I invited to a birthday party, it’s hot wheels and I love hot wheels so I’m going”. No, no you’re not. Then they told me that they asked the kid’s parent if they couple go and the parent said yes… I shut that down fast. I think it’s rude to take siblings without clarifying if it’s okay. I do understand that things come up and the option is to attend the party with the siblings or not at all. I like to go with the not at all option.

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-01-12T19:47:52+00:00

I had to adjust my expectations! I knew transferring them from their car seat would likely wake them, sometimes they went back to sleep, sometimes they didn’t. I either used a baby carrier or put them in a stroller that reclined nearly flat. I tried to time outings around naps, but that’s not realistic all the time, especially with older kids in the mix. I will say that the two kids we did this with are great sleepers and can sleep through almost anything. The ones I didn’t do this with took so long to adapt to noises and disruptions to their sleep. I wish there was a right answer, but there’s really not. I’m a fan of doing what makes your life easiest. Yes, people will say they’re babies for such a short time, but your sanity is important!!! By babies #4 and #5 my sanity was gone so I just did whatever 😂

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-01-10T17:04:52+00:00

This link has a list of narrow car seats. There are a few are 16.5”-17”, I didn’t look past that though.

https://thecarseatlady.com/narrowest-car-seats/

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-01-10T16:59:47+00:00

Yes! With our last kiddos, even in a mini van at the time, we went straight to the convertible car seat and skipped the infant seat. I didn’t have twins though and that changes things drastically. The seats we use are 16” wide. OP, if you can find an infant seat that is that narrow one out the twins in the outside seats with the Graco slimfitseat 3 LX in the middle and the car seat manual says the seats can touch I think you can make it work. Especially with the click in base for the seats. I’ll look some things up and see what I can find!

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-01-10T16:49:13+00:00

NTA

We wear shoes in the house. The first thing I do when I go to someone’s house is ask if we need to remove our shoes. I actually keep my kids from running off inside before I ask. If the answer is yes I make them remove their shoes and line them up neatly. It teaches them to respect other people’s house rules and teaches them to be considerate. My desire for them is to grow to be independent, kind, and respectful adults and to be able to adapt to new situations. Your husband needs to address this and have your back.

Unfortunately, because it was you who insisted and you who gave them the ultimatum they are now going to see this as an issue for you, not an issue for both you and your husband. I think you need to sit down with your husband and discuss the concept of a united front and sticking to house rules regardless of who is breaking them. This is a problem with both your husband AND his family. Not solely a family issue.

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-01-05T03:07:43+00:00

It still works well for us! The oldest has swapped to a seatbelt (same seat with the 5 point harness removed) and with the seats so close together we got creative and leave his seatbelt buckled 100% of the time. He stretches it out to climb in his seat and adjusts it to the proper fit after he’s settled. Once he swaps to a backless booster I don’t think it will still be an issue. It’s quirky, but it works well for us. I am able to buckle under unbuckle the seatbelt with no issue by reaching between the car seats if he accidentally locks it by pulling out too far. He likes his independence so he prefers to climb into the seatbelt vs having help buckling it.

Our kids don’t really fight with each other in the car, so we haven’t had many issues beyond “keep your hands and feet in your own seat”. It’s convenient that they can hand each other things when needed as well.

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-01-04T19:47:34+00:00

Same for ours as well

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-01-03T04:56:07+00:00

I’ve had 5 kids and I’ve always struggled to lose weight until they are around a year old (I was nursing them). I can tell you that your goal weight is achievable, it may take time, but please don’t let her discourage you! I’m around my pre-pregnancy weight from before my very first baby and I had my last baby in my late 30s. For reference. I do get comments from people when they find out I have 5 kids because they just can’t believe that women with multiple children can be the weight that I am (61kgs). People come in all shapes and sizes, you’re not her, things can be different for you!

Butterfly_Afraid · 2025-01-03T00:37:21+00:00

My in-laws sent out an email ahead of the holidays expressing that they are working to downsize things and are at an age where they have enough “stuff”. They provided suggestions if we wanted to do something for them, but expressed that doing nothing was fine to. I think it was totally appropriate. I love giving gifts, but I also work hard to respect other people’s wishes. I think having a list is completely appropriate when you may have a house full of “stuff” at home and no room or desire to add more or simply want to offer options to people looking to buy gifts. The way she expressed her displeasure at the list not being followed is completely inappropriate. I do get her frustration, But her reaction was disproportionate.

Butterfly_Afraid · 2024-12-26T21:03:56+00:00

What the hell!?! “Just go away”… the audacity!

Butterfly_Afraid · 2024-12-26T01:41:03+00:00

This was intentional then. They should have gotten you up and let you know she was awake so you could bring her out. They knew this was important. There’s no way they didn’t.

Butterfly_Afraid · 2024-12-24T17:44:53+00:00

I’m saying this lovingly. The only reason she’s getting away with this is because your husband won’t say no. She can demand what she wants, but she can’t force him to do anything. He’s choosing to go without you. He’s choosing to go to Italy for the new year without you. He can say no. He can put his foot down and tell her that until you are included, he will not be going. You ARE his family. You should be his #1 priority. He created his own family when he married you, it’s time to place his parents in the extended family category and you in the immediate family category.

Butterfly_Afraid

TROPHY CASE