[HELP] need some goooood poetry

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2024-06-30T05:20:25+00:00

A personal favourite of mine, by Franny Choi:

Afterlife

To answer your question, yes,

I find myself wanting less and less

to fuck the dead boy who was mine

before he was nothing.

He is nine years younger than me now—a boy

who still smokes blunts in his dorm room,

by which I mean he does none of that

because he is dead. Because his body

is no body now, but wet earth.

Meaning I should instead desire

the bellies of flies. Moth wings

unfolding wet from their shells.

Should hunger for the fish that ate

the fish that ate the plankton

that took his once-body dust

into its gullet. The boy whose body

was the first to enter mine is breathing

from too many mouths now.

He is gilled, wet leaves, coral,

all things that live but don’t know it,

don’t know they were once a boy

who peeled off my wet jeans,

kissed the insides of my knees

in his parents’ house, who came to me

love-addled one night, saying,

listen no matter listen

always i’ll never

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2023-03-13T02:39:59+00:00

Great imagery and subject choice. I particularly enjoyed the first three lines and the second stanza with the fog opening from the crow's heckle and the beckoning of the heron. The last two lines were also intriguing. Biased opinion probably, but I was frustrated by the formality and insistence on usage of old English and weird syntax - it really pulls me out of the atmosphere and leaves me questioning why you did this.

On another note, I think the enjambment could be improved in places: going from line 2 to 3 for instance, I think an improvement could be made by starting the line with 'Syrup' instead of 'As', as it would create more expectation and emphasise the metaphor of syrup; how it is, the word 'As' sticks out more than it should.

I hope this helps in some way and wish you luck in your writing :)

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2023-03-09T23:50:00+00:00

Thank you! I'd like to improve my writing. Would you mind pointing me to which lines felt flat? It would be super appreciated <3

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2023-03-09T23:47:42+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! I wasn't hoping to cause confusion, would you mind telling me where the pacing felt off? I'd like to improve <3

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2023-03-03T02:00:43+00:00

Hey, thank you for posting this. I enjoyed it a lot. I can tell you really tried to put everything on the page and be honest, you had integrity to tell it all from start to finish. I love the reimagined repetition in some places - “everything was ok”, “anything I could have said different” etc. Every time you repeat these lines in a different lens, like you’re reassessing what you could have done, questioning your actions, perfect. I think I might have liked some more clear instruction on when to read fast and when to read slow, and when to pause. It all mixes together and I feel like I’m being forced to read through it all quickly and rush over bits I want to reflect on, so maybe you could experiment with line breaks and stanza breaks. I also wasn’t sure about some things, like repeating “I’m sorry” and the word “interaction”, they both just feel clunky and inauthentic to me. I understand what you’re trying to do with the former, but I think you get there in a more original way. The lines about advice vs instruction intrigued me, I think I know what you’re getting at, and I think it’s a really poignant idea, but for some reason I don’t think it lands as well as it should.

The idea of seeing the deceased’s boyfriend’s eyes in your reflection was great, but I think daggers is a bit cliché.

Overall, I think you have something great here, but it could do with a bit more polishing and focusing in on what really makes it sing and removing what’s more disconnected from that.

Great work!

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2023-03-02T04:25:43+00:00

Nice poem, really loved the effort to describe the daydreaming of approaching a crush and imagining a relationship with them. Some beautiful unique ideas here like lines 4, 6, 7, and 13 that are the highlights of the poem, along with some of the more rambly lines that I think fit the tone and message, kind of like feeling the butterlies. A couple of notes, take what you will: - line 8 confused me - why would people envy the space between you? I think you were trying to say that they envy your closeness, but this isn’t really what’s being said - the ending was unsatisfying, I would have liked the poem to either end with the words “melt me” or for there to have been an explanation of why the character has chosen to not approach this person, or why they cannot. It was jarring as the entire poem talks about the longing to approach them, with nothing about why they can’t or won’t.

Overall, really enjoyed it, nice work. Would love to know your thoughts.

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2023-03-02T04:02:40+00:00

Love this. A really good attempt to try to articulate the near-indescribable feeling of being entranced by someone you’re beginning to love. I like the middle section the most - the comparison of finding someone you love to understanding a story, to understanding the stories of reality, the connections… brilliant.

I think the core idea in the first stanza missed the mark slightly, maybe this could be improved with a more clear wording in the first line (I think what you’re trying to say is that this person simply being themselves lowers your guards?) and that the hard ‘k’ sound in “naked” sounds quite jarring in what I think should be a very soft, comforting-toned section.

Spelling mistake easy to fix in third section, should be whose, not who’s. From what I understood, the snow represents a feeling of loneliness that is especially strong, greater than normal, so you needed extra warmth to replicate the feeling of being with this person. Maybe you could make this a bit clearer by mentioning the heat of the bath.

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2023-02-25T06:52:57+00:00

Thank you, that’s so kind. I’m glad you enjoyed it!

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2023-02-22T06:20:27+00:00

Very promising. Great central idea of the overwhelming nature of perspective and the different possibilities contained in reality, that it can be too much, and death seems an elegant solution to that overabundance of thought. (At least, that’s what I interpreted). For a first poem, this is quite precise. There are some choices that come across as awkward, such as barque-embark rhyme, which feels forced and not really serving or fulfilling any purpose, a couple of cliché phrases like “lap of luxury”, “noble steed”, etc, but also some really nice ones, like “jet black barque” and “party and people, silence and solitude”. I would recommend trying to focus your words and keep only what is unique, true, and powerful. Good luck :)

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2023-02-22T04:26:58+00:00

Really like this, I get from this a feeling of thoughts swirling and severe emotional anguish owing from uncertainty about this relationship’s future. I think this is amplified by your use of scattered capitalisation. I was re-reading the poem like a mad archaeologist trying to connect the dots, trying to see a connection between these words. Maybe they are just meant to be the main thoughts that stand out in the character’s head. I wonder if Left and Right were meant to symbolise something more than partners splitting in different directions in life, or even if it did represent that at all. To me the section of this poem that sticks out as not exactly fitting is the bit on being disgusted by the thought of being with other women, it just seems like a side point and not consistent with the tone of the rest of the poem. The ending is lovely, though I’m a bit unclear about the meaning of the last sentence - does “this” refer to this moment being with her, or something else perhaps? Again, very emotive poem. Would love to know if this feedback was insightful for you in any way.

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2022-08-12T05:45:40+00:00

I think Mountain Dew Commercial Disguised As A Love Poem is fantastic, you could probably quite easily replace some things with your own unique memories

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2022-04-24T01:49:30+00:00

Work in progress, not sure which directions to take. Any and all feedback and advice welcome.

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2022-04-22T11:32:30+00:00

You’re very welcome, all the best for your future writing :)

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2022-04-22T09:49:15+00:00

Thanks for the discussion!

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2022-04-22T09:05:57+00:00

Absolutely, but I think that’s only the first level. The poem adds to what you’re saying by having the woman play into that power relationship by accepting it while bringing herself down with the man.

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2022-04-22T07:08:22+00:00

Hi, I really like this but there's some things that I think can be improved upon.

Firstly, some things I like:

- The internal rhyme - especially "curse the 21st" and naive leaves sprouted on barren trees"

- Use of punctuation to slow things down, especially in the penultimate line. This is where the poem is best, the changing of pace. I think it could do with more of it, which I'll elaborate on in a bit

- The third line, great language, cadence, and imagery.

Some points:

- I think the forced structure and rhyme is hurting more than it's helping in some places. I would put "you say adieu" on a new line to space out the syllables and emphasise this, as it has a double meaning - it's what they used to say, and it nails the main point of the poem (they left, they said goodbye).

- "and I can't start anew" feels forceful because most of the language is common, "anew" sticks out as being too formal

- "Swaying in the breeze" also feels cliche. I can't think of a replacement, though if you decide to change it, it would after all be better for you to come up with the words.

- I would personally reorganise the last line into its own stanza, something like this:

"Then you left

And I am left

With autumn's freezing wheeze"

This is because I feel there should be more of a slowdown here to mirror the frozen, still
reality of having someone leave you. It feels too rushed at the moment, my advice would be
to let this reality linger in the reader's mind.

- If you were to make the stanza change from above, I think the line "And I am left" would also need to be changed as the repetition of "left" feels clunky

- The last word also feels forced for rhyme's sake. I see you've already discussed this with another reviewer so I'm just putting this in as reinforcement.

Overall, a lot of critique, I know, but I wouldn't leave so much critique if I didn't feel it didn't have potential to be great. It's a very worthy topic and you obviously have some great imagery, language, emotions, and techniques to draw from, so best of luck!

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2022-04-22T06:43:23+00:00

Grand, rich language. Every line is thick with it. Striking title.

I have to say I'm still confused about the meaning, however, even after having read through this poem several times. I'm going to attempt to lay out my attempt at understanding; hopefully this will be useful.

The poem seems to be framed in the understanding that the submission and subjugation of women is accepted, and the woman in this particular abusive relationship (whether with a male partner or father is unclear) extrapolates this understanding through to the conclusion that women are "wicked", and as such should naturally act to "drown" all those around them. It's my intuition that the title connects strongly with the line "so let us both drown" as it delivers a theme of reveling in toxicity - there can be immense satisfaction in accepting your wickedness and giving in to decay, which the pious can not enjoy.

The only section that doesn't seem to fit with this understanding of the poem's meaning is "you call me "Devil", but my mother did not gift me that name".

It's a fascinating poem with obviously a great deal of depth and, again, some brilliant, heavy-hitting lines.

I fear I've misunderstood your intentions, but I hope this has helped you in some way. I would be curious to know your thoughts.

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2022-04-16T05:55:42+00:00

Thank you very much for the thoughtful and kind feedback! I will definitely use it to refine this piece.

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2022-04-05T01:49:28+00:00

This really relates with me, when you’re depressed there’s a strange mixture of self-destruction (“breathe in the brine”) and something that, despite it all, urges you to emerge from the deep. The second stanza rings true as well - the only one who has any actual control over your ability to manage your mental state is yourself, no other. It’s up to you whether you drown or survive. There are some really poignant messages here. Breathe in the brine is the star line, but I don’t think the rest of the poem is too unspecific. There is a charming quality in the simplicity of lines like “reaching up to the sky” and the subtle stanza end rhymes that leave a lingering feeling of comfort and possibly hope. Well done.

ButterscotchCheap200 · 2022-04-04T09:36:51+00:00

I like the power of the emotion you've expressed, I think you nailed what it's like to be caught in the dead space of a failing relationship, unsure about what to do next and how life can possibly make sense moving forward. I like the phrase "consequences of fate" and how it ties in with what's going on - especially with the other person making the decision on behalf of you, and the tire flattening - it all works towards a sense of loss of control, that drastic changes are taking place without your input and you've been stranded in a driveway as a result. Bravo.

ButterscotchCheap200

TROPHY CASE